This is the time of year where things are tested- your culinary skills for one thing, tick, the thick- 'I am brilliant I can do anything, I have the patience of a saint, I am perfect' face on, which can be tiring to wear for more than a weekend. Throw in people coming and destroying routines/ putting things in the wrong place, doing things at the wrong time, being ill all over the house, wanting to cut up vegetables in different sizes and quantities to what you would normally do for your own dinners. Add to that a fraught relationship with your own parents, who for different reasons temporarily annoy you, and then for a good measure flatten this down with some in laws, who only know part of you, and your parents, and who you are being hospitable to, sharing life with all it's up's and downs for 5 days. Then add in the cold, snow where you have to be inside all the time because being outside means being freezing, and also can I add, that I live in a place where nothing surrounds me, such as shops/things to do. Add to that the tiredness that comes from hosting.
And what do you get? An annoyed/frayed/stretched to the limits host, trying to make and keep everyone happy, but in the end not actually doing any of that, but nicely ticking the opposite box of annoying everyone, getting angry and alienating my family, and my husband, and the final result to all of this- hating myself. How did it get to this? She can do it at any time, she gets herself wound up and then dominates all discussions and scenes by her crying, and then I am seen to be the bad guy in it all by being mean to her, but I know that this is all an act, and she can manipulate any situation to her own device. This creates such a horrid atmosphere, and by the way, this is Christmas. So, people have gone to bed early in order to get away from the chaos and horror that is my relationship with my mother. There you go, I've said it.
Monday, December 27
Sunday, November 14
light to show me the way
Sorry I haven't blogged for a while now. Basically some great things have begun to happen for us. I have got a job at the moment- albeit one from an agency and one that may face government cuts (which we will know about in December).
So a breakdown of what's happened since the last time I blogged:
August late- I got shingles. This is when I thought that enough was enough, and that I couldn't actually go any further along the same path without re-addressing some issues. Which came to me through God via a TV show called Being Erica. It was an episode where Erica went back in time to a place where she had everything that she wanted. She then lost it all and came back to the same predicament that she was facing in the present time which was a lack of a job- she got sacked. But the difference was that she begun to do something about it. I decided then to do something about my situation. I still have small doubts about my own suitability/ ability full stop to do this- but basically I have applied to do a PGCE course. Craig is supporting me all the way which is brilliant. And I feel that our marriage is bringing us closer together.
I ahve doubts about certain aspects of teaching- but I am willing to give it a go, because I think with God's help I can overcome these issues and become a competent teacher of English. I am waiting on some universities to get back to me and I am also going to keep applying for any teaching assistant jobs that come up, as I would love to do a GTP.
We are settling into Stoke now, well I feel that we are pushing ourselves into it. It seems to be working to some extent. Today was the first day that I helped out in the church youth group and Craig was on the doors.
I'm also very much getting ready for Christmas- which is outrageously early for me, but we have lots of people coming around and I feel that organising it is taking up a lot of my thought time- it's almost like I need a calendar separately for that, which I might well make tomorrow at work!
I am enjoying my work, I feel that I am making a difference. I really like it.
I thank God for giving me a job and bringing me to this place. I am seeking His face for the next step that He will have me take, and I am asking and praying for light to show me the way.
So a breakdown of what's happened since the last time I blogged:
August late- I got shingles. This is when I thought that enough was enough, and that I couldn't actually go any further along the same path without re-addressing some issues. Which came to me through God via a TV show called Being Erica. It was an episode where Erica went back in time to a place where she had everything that she wanted. She then lost it all and came back to the same predicament that she was facing in the present time which was a lack of a job- she got sacked. But the difference was that she begun to do something about it. I decided then to do something about my situation. I still have small doubts about my own suitability/ ability full stop to do this- but basically I have applied to do a PGCE course. Craig is supporting me all the way which is brilliant. And I feel that our marriage is bringing us closer together.
I ahve doubts about certain aspects of teaching- but I am willing to give it a go, because I think with God's help I can overcome these issues and become a competent teacher of English. I am waiting on some universities to get back to me and I am also going to keep applying for any teaching assistant jobs that come up, as I would love to do a GTP.
We are settling into Stoke now, well I feel that we are pushing ourselves into it. It seems to be working to some extent. Today was the first day that I helped out in the church youth group and Craig was on the doors.
I'm also very much getting ready for Christmas- which is outrageously early for me, but we have lots of people coming around and I feel that organising it is taking up a lot of my thought time- it's almost like I need a calendar separately for that, which I might well make tomorrow at work!
I am enjoying my work, I feel that I am making a difference. I really like it.
I thank God for giving me a job and bringing me to this place. I am seeking His face for the next step that He will have me take, and I am asking and praying for light to show me the way.
Monday, August 23
arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I don't actually know how much more I can take of this. I was given some work last week, had an interview last week (hearing from them in 2 weeks time) and had an interview today. It's not like I'm not trying, it's just that it's not working. Either I am doing something wrong, or they just don't like me. I'm still waiting to hear back from the one today, but I have absolutely no clue as to how I've got on. I could do the job, but the interview process was rigorous, you had to complete a task and present it back to the interview panel. I was actually quite calm about it, which was good, but I have no idea as to what they were looking for, and looking back I could have added so much more.
I am sick of not having a job or an income. I just want to go to work, come home and have an income so that we can save up for a mortgage/the future. I just don't want to keep worrying Craig, I am frustrated too, he doesn't want to see me sad, so at the moment it's a lose lose situation. I mean we're not struggling, but we're not flourishing either. It's totally frustrating (I know I've just said that, but I'm trying to underline this).
I think I can do this job, and it has enough to keep me interested. The only thing is that when I was there they knew the person that was going to be interviewed next, so that can be a downpoint, as they already know that person.
I have no idea as to how I got on though, it's 50-50 whether I get it or not. I would enjoy having the larger income for a bit and Craig would be more comfortable, leading to a better marriage. We can get onwards and upwards with our lives, at the moment we feel like our lives are on hold.
Totally frustrating.
I am sick of not having a job or an income. I just want to go to work, come home and have an income so that we can save up for a mortgage/the future. I just don't want to keep worrying Craig, I am frustrated too, he doesn't want to see me sad, so at the moment it's a lose lose situation. I mean we're not struggling, but we're not flourishing either. It's totally frustrating (I know I've just said that, but I'm trying to underline this).
I think I can do this job, and it has enough to keep me interested. The only thing is that when I was there they knew the person that was going to be interviewed next, so that can be a downpoint, as they already know that person.
I have no idea as to how I got on though, it's 50-50 whether I get it or not. I would enjoy having the larger income for a bit and Craig would be more comfortable, leading to a better marriage. We can get onwards and upwards with our lives, at the moment we feel like our lives are on hold.
Totally frustrating.
Thursday, August 12
Hissy fit over
Ok, so my hissy fit may be over. I get so frustrated sometimes that I cannot seem to find a decent enough outlet, that's healthy! So blogging is good, and also ranting a little bit. Craig has been amazing this week, so caring and supporting. He's learning! And he's also learning how to let go of the situation. This can only make us stronger. Next week I have some work, and I have an interview coming up and also some possible work at a school as a nursery nurse and also from my temp work - I have potential work in a council too coming up. It's looking a bit brighter.
Tuesday, August 10
I want off
So, just a little update on what's happened since the last post. Basically we had a gret time at Keswick in the Lake district, and we had a good time wth our friends and learning from the bible, and we had some good chats too. During that week, I had an interview that I spent a lot of money to go to, on the train, to be told that I hadn't been successful, and that I should probably go for a teaching assistant job (I didn't tell them that I had been trying to get a TA job for a while now), and that in the school as a receptionist I would probably experience some kind of career frustration, and that as I had to move with Craig's job that it was time for my own career. I was thinking please, just give me a job. I suppose at the moment we have no other responsibilities other than feeding and clothing ourselves, so taht's helpful. But we are living on a shoe string, with no financial savings to be saved. We are putting off our future day by day and month by month. We are missing out on opportunities to go on holidays without potential kids, and we're not taking them. I feel like at the moment we're putting life on hold till I get a job. This is not right, and not healthy surely to be living like this. Life should be fun, shouldn't it? And although Craig is putting a brave face on it, I know that he is worrying deep down, or there's stress there that I've caused. And it is putting a strain on us. I just really want a job now that I can have as a career, something that I would really enjoy and just want to do for years and years and want to get better at it, and work hard at it, and master it. This is what I really want to do. I want to achieve something in my life, and I feel that sitting around doing nothing but fill in application forms and go to interviews that tell me I didn't get the job are not heading in the right direction. I've tried most if not all things that I can think of to get a job, I've been called a 'strong candidate' and I've been told not to give up on my dream as being a teacher. When I think about being a teacher, I can see lesson plans and what kind of trips the class could be taken on etc etc, and I want a career. I want something that will be fulfilling in my lifetime, to look back and say that's what I've done, I've contributed to society, I've made a small difference. I just want the opportunity to do that.
I think my last option is coming up, and that is to get a crappy job during the week, and on saturday and then have one day in a school to keep up my experience and then apply for a PGCE for sept 2011. That's all that I can think of doing. If I don't get in, I don't know what else to do, and if I can't get a job out of the end of it, then I really don't know what to do. I will be qualified and be doing nothing, I think that is one of the fears that is holding me back.
I want to be proficient at something and then train others, or teach them in it. I am willing to take advice. I am sick of sitting at home doing didly squat and working my time around what I watch on tv and also doing the washing up before Craig comes home.
I understand that this is probably something that will help me to engage with other people later on in life, but I'm sick of it, I want out, I want off the ride please. I don't like rollercoasters, didn't I say?
I think my last option is coming up, and that is to get a crappy job during the week, and on saturday and then have one day in a school to keep up my experience and then apply for a PGCE for sept 2011. That's all that I can think of doing. If I don't get in, I don't know what else to do, and if I can't get a job out of the end of it, then I really don't know what to do. I will be qualified and be doing nothing, I think that is one of the fears that is holding me back.
I want to be proficient at something and then train others, or teach them in it. I am willing to take advice. I am sick of sitting at home doing didly squat and working my time around what I watch on tv and also doing the washing up before Craig comes home.
I understand that this is probably something that will help me to engage with other people later on in life, but I'm sick of it, I want out, I want off the ride please. I don't like rollercoasters, didn't I say?
Thursday, July 29
I normally like pickles, but not when I'm in one!
So, I apply for around 20 teaching assistant jobs, and hear nothing back from any of them, then I apply for three jobs last week (not teaching assistant ones) and hear back from two about interviews, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT? I mean that's mental!
So, I hear you say, well done, brilliant, but the crux of the matter is that one of the interviews is next week, during the only week of our holiday (and we're in Keswick) and we have to get back to Stoke, well the outskirts of Crewe to be precise, which will take us (I say us because I can't drive) 2 hours and 40 minutes, including the fact that we have to come out of our holiday to commute to a potentially stressful situation. One option is to try and get public transport down, the other is to drag Craig away from his only week's holiday to make him do a four hour commute for me and for him to miss out on a day's worth of stuff. I am willing to come down on my own, and there may be potential there, but other than that I have no real idea as to how I could do this! Help?!
So, I hear you say, well done, brilliant, but the crux of the matter is that one of the interviews is next week, during the only week of our holiday (and we're in Keswick) and we have to get back to Stoke, well the outskirts of Crewe to be precise, which will take us (I say us because I can't drive) 2 hours and 40 minutes, including the fact that we have to come out of our holiday to commute to a potentially stressful situation. One option is to try and get public transport down, the other is to drag Craig away from his only week's holiday to make him do a four hour commute for me and for him to miss out on a day's worth of stuff. I am willing to come down on my own, and there may be potential there, but other than that I have no real idea as to how I could do this! Help?!
Monday, July 12
Fantasmagorical
I must admit that I have borrowed this from somewhere, but I just wanted to be able to remember this so that someday if we ever have children, we can re-capture the magic of this photo and re-create it, to give them an amazing memoryThursday, July 8
when you knock, wait for someone to answer!
Our Mr. Landlord (who by all means is very nice normally) came around unannounced today to measure our french doors because they are basically crap and need replacing. I don't know whether he thinks of us as small children but he sure treats us like it. Firstly, Craig rings to tell him about the French doors and then Craig arranges a time for him to come round... Friday. Today is Thursday. He turns up, knowing that he can't get in to do anything but wanders around the back of the garden to measure the french doorsfrom the outside. Then he tells me that Craig had the keys so he couldn't do anything today. It breaches the contract when it says that the tennant should be able to enjoy the property, he is therefore trespassing surely. He is being so rude, and it's so belittling, he is patronising us and forcing us to think about the end of our tennancy. I tell you what sunny jim, we will leave when we want to, and even if you pushed the other couple out, you can't do the same for us. I am so mad angry. He then proceeded to knock on the windows rather than the front door, he should have just knocked, and then waited like any other sane person. I could have been ill and lying there in my pj's in a duvet for all he knew. He can't just come around and do this.
Wednesday, July 7
bleurgh!
This de ja vous is becoming so depressing; the same monotonous voice rings in my head: no post today. I don't know what I expect to come through the post, maybe a confirmation letter or at least a letter of acknowledgement that I've actually spent time completing an application form to send in to your establishment, but I unfortunately have not been successful at this time... In the month that we have been here the only job I've got a response from was the recruitment offices that I've signed on to. I have three weeks work in a special school as a temp receptionist until the end of term as the person before was bored out of his tree (so it seemed from his previous emails that were not destroyed inform me). I know there are people in a worse situation, and I am only small, I don't take up too much room, you can put me in the corner of a house and leave me if you wish, I don't eat copious amounts, I don't spend much, if at all anything, so I am quite easy to keep. I just wish I had a fulfilling job that was full time, or the equivalent to full time pay so that we could start saving and actually accomplish things in our life that we want to do. It gets you down, I know it's only for a time and I do have my more positive days, this one is swinging in that direction of positivity, it's just I'm getting a little tired of my own potential not being used to its fullest. I know what potential I have, and I wish someone else would see that in me and hire me to do a challenging job that I could handle and show off my best aspects. I want to know the best thing I am good at, and just go for it. I want to go back to when I was smaller, when I had more time to think what I wanted to do with my life, and try different things out like art and writing, and an internship at a publishers or an advertising company, so I wouldn't be stuck here knowing what I could have done and achieved and regretting it.
Saturday, July 3
Ready
I don't know why this has come about, but maybe it was amixture of things that I have done today. I feel ready to move on now. I think it has to do with dropping the stuff that I've been carrying for a while and being ready to pick something else up. I am ready to be me again. I think I have been trying to be me for a while now but not knowing how really, but now I've remembered or it's been given to me, I feel that I can be me again!
It's taken a few years, and some healing and a lot of writing too, but I feel there, at the brink of an adventure. I think it was a mixture of writing the first blog of today (which is now at the count of 3!) and that had a cathartic affect on me. Then I went to tidy up some things, which always helps your own state of mind and motivation, and then I worshipped God which also helps! And then I re-read the beginnings of this blog that was 6 years ago! Man that was a long time! And now I am writing this! I feel that the occasion should be marked in some way! I don't know how though. Maybe at some point i'll have a little celebratory drink or something!
I feel freer than I have done in a while, free from my own past and decisions that took me down a deviated path, but now I feel like I've learnt some more things that have been beneficial to me at this point in time so that I can finally move on! I may well read this back in a couple of years or so and chuckle to myself at the way that I wrote I feel like I've learnt things, as I re-read my earliest blogs on here today I said that I had learnt a lot of things, but I suppose you are still learning all the time, and you can't expect to know everything anyway, no one will!
I can't believe I've blogged three times in one day. I want a holiday!!!!!!!!!! - just a random thought, not just because of the amount of work that it takes to write three blogs!!! :o)
It's taken a few years, and some healing and a lot of writing too, but I feel there, at the brink of an adventure. I think it was a mixture of writing the first blog of today (which is now at the count of 3!) and that had a cathartic affect on me. Then I went to tidy up some things, which always helps your own state of mind and motivation, and then I worshipped God which also helps! And then I re-read the beginnings of this blog that was 6 years ago! Man that was a long time! And now I am writing this! I feel that the occasion should be marked in some way! I don't know how though. Maybe at some point i'll have a little celebratory drink or something!
I feel freer than I have done in a while, free from my own past and decisions that took me down a deviated path, but now I feel like I've learnt some more things that have been beneficial to me at this point in time so that I can finally move on! I may well read this back in a couple of years or so and chuckle to myself at the way that I wrote I feel like I've learnt things, as I re-read my earliest blogs on here today I said that I had learnt a lot of things, but I suppose you are still learning all the time, and you can't expect to know everything anyway, no one will!
I can't believe I've blogged three times in one day. I want a holiday!!!!!!!!!! - just a random thought, not just because of the amount of work that it takes to write three blogs!!! :o)
worshipful
Shaking like a leaf
Afraid to lift my eyes
Afraid of all your glory
Ashamed of all my pride
Then you call me in
To your holy place
I fall down,
Down on my face
And I'm begging you for mercy
And I'm begging you to forget everything that I've ever done
And I, I, I, I tremble
And I, I, I, I, tremble
I am just a man
Showered in your grace
You're the Holy God
Your glory fills this place...
(Audio Adrenaline Tremble)
__________________________________________________________
I need your love,
Like a desert needs the rain
I need your touch
Like the fire needs a flame
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know
Heaven
Come cover me, like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning steals the night
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know,
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you
Is heaven I want to know.
Heaven.
(Heaven by Hillsong United)
_________________________________________________________
Two beautiful songs of worship that I was listening to, and wanted to share with anyone who came across this blog by accident. The first had got me thinking about the prevous blog that I wrote, we should all be in a state where we are trembling at the awesome Name of God, let alone anything else. Secondly, the song entitled Heaven is just a beautifully written one, comprising of a longing to be with God and poetic lyrics, it's one of my favourite worship songs.
Afraid to lift my eyes
Afraid of all your glory
Ashamed of all my pride
Then you call me in
To your holy place
I fall down,
Down on my face
And I'm begging you for mercy
And I'm begging you to forget everything that I've ever done
And I, I, I, I tremble
And I, I, I, I, tremble
I am just a man
Showered in your grace
You're the Holy God
Your glory fills this place...
(Audio Adrenaline Tremble)
__________________________________________________________
I need your love,
Like a desert needs the rain
I need your touch
Like the fire needs a flame
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know
Heaven
Come cover me, like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning steals the night
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know,
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you
Is heaven I want to know.
Heaven.
(Heaven by Hillsong United)
_________________________________________________________
Two beautiful songs of worship that I was listening to, and wanted to share with anyone who came across this blog by accident. The first had got me thinking about the prevous blog that I wrote, we should all be in a state where we are trembling at the awesome Name of God, let alone anything else. Secondly, the song entitled Heaven is just a beautifully written one, comprising of a longing to be with God and poetic lyrics, it's one of my favourite worship songs.
Treadmill thoughts
I feel like some sort of sadist, I keep re-visiting other people's hurts and play all the possibilities I can think of, over in my mind as to how something like that happened. They were the perfect couple it seemed, a really well loved couple that most if not every other couple looked up to. I know I did. They were eloquent, new, fun, creative and passionate to see miracles and live for God. Now they are a broken family, one with two children and the other with a strange re-wiring of his brain; how can one person do a total flip and then not even land in the asme place, but somewhere different to where he began? That's the only way I can get my head around it at the moment. And I don't even feel like I should be thinking or writing about this subject, I mean he was only a friend, but it has affected me so much and that is why I write, to purge all ideas and things from running treadmill like in my head (the point goes over and over in my brain but because I don't understand it, the thought goes nowhere and I end up covering the same ground over and over and over till I'm so tired of it that I will myself to forget but then confusion and curiosity rise up like unwanted cousins and pull me onto it again). I doubt I will ever get any clarity on the situation as I'm not likely to veer communicate with him again, and if I were to, I probaly would never broach the subject. But I feel in some way that I bought into the franchise of what he was offering; a new experience with God on a relational level that was exciting. His passion and charisma were intoxicating and you could never get enough of what he was saying, I wanted to read every thought and musing and collect them all in a little bag for safe keeping. But when I look back now, how much of it was true? I mean to say that whatever he went through to get to the stage he is at now is a totally different place to where he began, and so was there any validity in his thoughts or musings? If there was no validity behind it, then the time and effort spent absorbing it becomes wasted and foul smelling. Forgive me for this crude outburst, but I am still trying, in vain to get it sorted into my own head how this happened, which I admitted before that I would probably never know, but I am an external thinker and I sometimes need to get it out there, even if no one else reads this, I think it will be a fairly beneficial exercise to complete. So there you go, selfish reasons! Anywhoo, back to the subject at hand. I feel that if I don't have an answer about it, then it will keep going round and round in my head with no resolution. I still don't know why he did it. Why would you leave something which was full of promise and hope and joy and love and future for something which has no joy but fleeting lustful bursts of satisfaction, no stability, no love, no future, no hope and no promise? Does he even realise these things? I hope and pray that he does. He has left all of this in an attempt to find himself, to be selfish? To be loved by many? To experience different partners in an attempt to find something that he already had, but was much better? For a person that was so intellectual surely this is a truly stupid thing to have done. But I am judging and that isn't right. I shouldn't judge. It really has taught me a lot about having role models, people who you think you can second guess their every move can sometimes really shock you. You sometimes get what you wish for; she wished always for true love which in my opinion can only come from God, and what happens? What she thought was true love was taken away from her. You would not want to ask and pray for that because as we know, if you ask for patience, God gives you a situation that you can be patient with (a trying situation) if you ask for more love, then He will often give us an unloving situation that will cause us to choose to love, etc etc, so you would never ask for true love... for the truest of loves comes from God and we are all sinful in comparrison, so we will never be able to experience true love unless it is from God; and so He might allow us to realise this through many ways and maybe that is what happened, everything was stripped away so that she could realise that her only true love was indeed from God.
But surely it was not fair to bring about a downfall for this to be made clear? Obviously I am not God so I have no idea the ultimate reason that this happened. I pray that I will be able to lay it down as it's clearly not healthy to be thinking about it as much as I do. This has helped me to be able to purge myself of thoughts, and its kind of helpful also that no one reads this as it is really judgmental. I'm sorry if anyone does indeed read it, and know of the people involved. I never wanted to be incriminating or point the finger at anyone, but I needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading!
But surely it was not fair to bring about a downfall for this to be made clear? Obviously I am not God so I have no idea the ultimate reason that this happened. I pray that I will be able to lay it down as it's clearly not healthy to be thinking about it as much as I do. This has helped me to be able to purge myself of thoughts, and its kind of helpful also that no one reads this as it is really judgmental. I'm sorry if anyone does indeed read it, and know of the people involved. I never wanted to be incriminating or point the finger at anyone, but I needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, June 30
'growing old disgracefully'?
When I'm older I may feel the freedom to say and write what I really think. Even though I know that this blog is not read by anyone other than me I don't want to take the risk of spilling out everything for a passer by to read. Not that I've got any huge secret to hide away from, but that my reputation is such that you shouldn't maybe divulge everything that you think/do/say/act! I think that this is a reaction to what I saw last night on television, it was entitled 'growing old disgracefully' and was about a 92 year old lady who was an editor who began writing in her eighties. One is never too old to begin something new! My Gran had help with her reading at the age of 60. She is someone who will always provide me with encouragement and certainty of this fact that no one is ever too old to try anything. She is dyslexic and can use a mobile telephone to text (she is now 82 and is no less amazing than when I was younger). At one time she was really keen on getting a laptop and going on the internet, but I think as my Aunt is less worried about technological advances (she has a mobile but it is never actually on!) that she has given up this hope of becoming a cyber granny or silver surfer! (I prefer the term cyber granny!) Now she is satisfied with owning and using a digital camera and printing out her own pictures. I don't know how often she uses her mobile phone now, but I suppose she turns it on to see whether she has any texts now and again. She takes art classes and sings in a choir and has the most active social life that someone of her age might want or need to have. She lives close by family and I bet she loves every minute of it, she is normally busy with her daily activities and if she's not out and about she is phoning and visiting friends. She is truly an inspiration and has been ever since I was small. She never fails to amaze me, the way that she is so independent but in a good way. The only thing is she will rarely buy anything for herself, if it's a treat that is, she is a saver and has been since she was little and brought up during the war.
I have just seen a job advertised in the newspaper to do with rehabilitating older people back into the community. I would love the opportunity to do this job, as I have a great affinity with the elderly, but feel that I will possibly need a car or some other form of transportation to get around.
Today also, I got offered two different jobs from the agencies that I have signed up to, they all seem keen to get me work which is really nice. I begin a three week receptionist/admin duty at a speical school in Leek which I will be able to get to on a bus hopefully (when Forrest recruitment send me a confirming email, which I hope will be soon!) I am really looking forward to it, I might even be able to get a few little numbers of new clothes to spice up my professional wardrobe, as it seems a bit sad at the moment.
I think if I could do any job in the world it would be a mixture, I would foster some kids, look after the elderly in some way, be a teaching assistant and an editor on the side, you never know, in this lifetime I may be able to do all 4 at some point!!! lol, I will keep you posted and updated on my progression, but at the moment things are looking good, and I am waiting to hear about a possibility at Blackfriars School as a SEN TA, so I hope to hear from them in a positive way soon.
Anyways, should really sign off now!
I have just seen a job advertised in the newspaper to do with rehabilitating older people back into the community. I would love the opportunity to do this job, as I have a great affinity with the elderly, but feel that I will possibly need a car or some other form of transportation to get around.
Today also, I got offered two different jobs from the agencies that I have signed up to, they all seem keen to get me work which is really nice. I begin a three week receptionist/admin duty at a speical school in Leek which I will be able to get to on a bus hopefully (when Forrest recruitment send me a confirming email, which I hope will be soon!) I am really looking forward to it, I might even be able to get a few little numbers of new clothes to spice up my professional wardrobe, as it seems a bit sad at the moment.
I think if I could do any job in the world it would be a mixture, I would foster some kids, look after the elderly in some way, be a teaching assistant and an editor on the side, you never know, in this lifetime I may be able to do all 4 at some point!!! lol, I will keep you posted and updated on my progression, but at the moment things are looking good, and I am waiting to hear about a possibility at Blackfriars School as a SEN TA, so I hope to hear from them in a positive way soon.
Anyways, should really sign off now!
Friday, June 25
The Stokie Way
I feel like I'm getting the hang of living in Stoke now! I had the funnest bus ride I've ever had in my life, and I feel like after that I have been incorporated seamlessly into the fabric of life here and all that comes along with it!
So, your mother always told you to refuse sweets handed to you, well today I ignored that in the hope of making a new friend/acquaintance! As I was on the bus this loud charismatic character stepped on and in a shouting kind of voice spoke with all but me who was on the bus and seemed to know people quite intimately. I have come across some strange characters in the few weeks that we've been here, and this was definitely one to remember.
The whole bus was his soapbox and he would speak his mind, even if that meant to insult (almost) someone else's dress sense! Anywhoo, that's not the guy that offered me the sweet, he was sitting quite quietly in the back of the bus, well towards the back, just a seat or so in front of me, but on the other side, and he handed everyone on the bus a sweet, and then looking back towards me, I saw him think about offering me a sweet too, he had a big bag from the Longton Market, and it was open today and I've seen the mound of coloured sweets and toffees that you can get there. He had a big bag of sweets that would probably last him quite a while (that is if he didn't give everyone he met one each!) And as he reached out the bag to me I smiled, said thank you and took a green sherberty one, it was lovely! But the strange thing was that my mind went back to the times that my mother had told me to never take sweets from strangers, but as an adult I suppose you can make up your own mind, and I'm still here, there was nothing poisonous in it, or any ulterior motive than that he didn't want me to feel left out!
Also another thing that made the journey fun was that I had absolutely no idea where I was going, the bus driver was driving us down what seemed to be a long ride that had little to no bus stops actually around, but people were getting on and off the bus at different intervals, with no bus stop signs about! Then he drove down a beautiful piece of countryside, you know the one I mean where the roads are narrow and trees cover the road like gorgeous arches, where at times only dull greenish grey light would be able to filter through, the roads that awake your imagination and bring you back to all the good old fairy stories that you used to hear and then as you were old enough, to read. Anyway, there were also fields on either side, and the lush deep smell of the earth being baked on a hot June day, mixed with the smell of animals doing what animals do best (to me that is the smell that reminds me most of summer holidays at the Isle of Wight where we used to stay on our friends farm, in other words, lovely!) And then we came up to a place where I recognised the name, and then I realised that this was the unknown road that went past our own road and into a place where we had not yet ventured, it was so exciting being on a bus that took me so close to our house without even realising where we were going or whereabouts in Blythe we would end up! And I got to know what was on the other side of that road that we never go down, its full of lovely little country lanes and walks and farms and glorious smells and fields and the great outdoors!
I am pretty sad aren't I, writing a blog about a road, big whoop I hear you say, but as my life has turned the corner into this little cul-de-sac juncture, these things seem more poignant, and this is the stuff that makes me happy, being in the deep countryside, knowing that it is all around you and that the air you are breathing has no chemicals, or hardly any pollution in it form fumes form cars, and the stillness is touchable, you could sit there and thoughts would fly freely into your mind with little to no coercion, and you would be able to take yourself anywhere you wished. I only wish that I had a dog or something to take for walks now, and now I understand why there have been horses riding up and down our road, because of this beautiful little piece of land right near to us. It's so freeing to think of it!
I think that in my genes I have a longing to get back to nature, or greenery or fields etc, and that when I see them something awakens inside me and it brings me to a really joyful place.
Sad I know, but I don't care!!! :)
So, your mother always told you to refuse sweets handed to you, well today I ignored that in the hope of making a new friend/acquaintance! As I was on the bus this loud charismatic character stepped on and in a shouting kind of voice spoke with all but me who was on the bus and seemed to know people quite intimately. I have come across some strange characters in the few weeks that we've been here, and this was definitely one to remember.
The whole bus was his soapbox and he would speak his mind, even if that meant to insult (almost) someone else's dress sense! Anywhoo, that's not the guy that offered me the sweet, he was sitting quite quietly in the back of the bus, well towards the back, just a seat or so in front of me, but on the other side, and he handed everyone on the bus a sweet, and then looking back towards me, I saw him think about offering me a sweet too, he had a big bag from the Longton Market, and it was open today and I've seen the mound of coloured sweets and toffees that you can get there. He had a big bag of sweets that would probably last him quite a while (that is if he didn't give everyone he met one each!) And as he reached out the bag to me I smiled, said thank you and took a green sherberty one, it was lovely! But the strange thing was that my mind went back to the times that my mother had told me to never take sweets from strangers, but as an adult I suppose you can make up your own mind, and I'm still here, there was nothing poisonous in it, or any ulterior motive than that he didn't want me to feel left out!
Also another thing that made the journey fun was that I had absolutely no idea where I was going, the bus driver was driving us down what seemed to be a long ride that had little to no bus stops actually around, but people were getting on and off the bus at different intervals, with no bus stop signs about! Then he drove down a beautiful piece of countryside, you know the one I mean where the roads are narrow and trees cover the road like gorgeous arches, where at times only dull greenish grey light would be able to filter through, the roads that awake your imagination and bring you back to all the good old fairy stories that you used to hear and then as you were old enough, to read. Anyway, there were also fields on either side, and the lush deep smell of the earth being baked on a hot June day, mixed with the smell of animals doing what animals do best (to me that is the smell that reminds me most of summer holidays at the Isle of Wight where we used to stay on our friends farm, in other words, lovely!) And then we came up to a place where I recognised the name, and then I realised that this was the unknown road that went past our own road and into a place where we had not yet ventured, it was so exciting being on a bus that took me so close to our house without even realising where we were going or whereabouts in Blythe we would end up! And I got to know what was on the other side of that road that we never go down, its full of lovely little country lanes and walks and farms and glorious smells and fields and the great outdoors!
I am pretty sad aren't I, writing a blog about a road, big whoop I hear you say, but as my life has turned the corner into this little cul-de-sac juncture, these things seem more poignant, and this is the stuff that makes me happy, being in the deep countryside, knowing that it is all around you and that the air you are breathing has no chemicals, or hardly any pollution in it form fumes form cars, and the stillness is touchable, you could sit there and thoughts would fly freely into your mind with little to no coercion, and you would be able to take yourself anywhere you wished. I only wish that I had a dog or something to take for walks now, and now I understand why there have been horses riding up and down our road, because of this beautiful little piece of land right near to us. It's so freeing to think of it!
I think that in my genes I have a longing to get back to nature, or greenery or fields etc, and that when I see them something awakens inside me and it brings me to a really joyful place.
Sad I know, but I don't care!!! :)
Friday, June 11
born in the UK
Having been born in the UK I didn't think it was possible to get to a place where you would actually have a culture shock. Living in Stoke is goign to be so different than Chester, or even Aylesbury for that matter. To be honest, if I don't get a job soon I don't know how I'm going to survive, sounds a bit dramatic, but my own mental health is seriously diminishing. I need to do something productive with my time. I nearly got a panic attack just going into town today, that could have been for many reasons, but I'm sure that the job is playing a big factor in this. Also I feel alone in my decisions, Craig seems stressed out when I talk to him and our money situation isn't helping. It's just a major catalyst in this situation. He's not happy soemtimes and takes it out on me which I'm not taking. I don't know whether he knows he is doing this, but I will point it out to him, and not stand by while he blames me for things that are not my fault. grrrr
Friday, May 21
School visit today!
Today I went to a lovely little primary school which totally intimidated me primarily because the standards and achievemtn ratings were so high. As we were waiting to get shown around the school we were inadvertently listening in to a year 6 class practising a performance of Oliver! and it sounded great. The children seem to love this school so much which is the best way to gauge whether a school is good or not. The head seemed lovely as she showed us around. Although as I was in a group with NQT's, she wasn't overly interested in me, and it seemed like she was abit offish with me. Maybe it was because I was dressed like a teacher and not a teaching assistant (I really need some smart clothes but not formal ones.) I should have worn something different today and if I could have changed that, I definitely would have. But anyway, I don't know whether I make a good first impression. I tend to sit back and take in all the information and whilst I do this I can look a bit serious, but I am just absorbing all of the info and I shouldn't be judged on that. I was trying to look smiley and ok with everything though! But one other thing that did not seem to go in my favour, the child that needs 1-1 support was not very receptive towards us as a group, and the headteacher wanted to see how I interacted with him (which was no interaction) but as I read in the application form they will offer training relating to ADHD which will help!!!
It is just 20 minutes from the place that we are going to move into, and although it is not full time (20 hours a week) and not a permanent position, I think it would be a brilliant chance to learn and get thrown in the deep end! (I might regret saying this!)
Signing off now! Will let you know what happens, if anything! x
It is just 20 minutes from the place that we are going to move into, and although it is not full time (20 hours a week) and not a permanent position, I think it would be a brilliant chance to learn and get thrown in the deep end! (I might regret saying this!)
Signing off now! Will let you know what happens, if anything! x
Tuesday, May 18
I wont be afraid, for Jesus you are with me holding me close.
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Oh Lord, my God, how majestic is your name in all the earth, at your Name the earth trembles and demons flee. At your Name captives are freed, those who have grown cold will suddenly feel warm and come back to you. Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your Name in all the earth.
You will lead me beside these still waters, restoring my soul. You will personally see to it that our soul is refreshed, our humanity is once again given to us so that we can see the things that get in our way, ostacles such as stress, and overcome them.
We will lack nothing. Nothing at all. We gain everything. 'I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever'. Things are temporary, what matters is eternal.
Lord, please help me to have this perspective on my current situation. I would really value a job that I would love to do (i.e. teaching assisting) but if you have something better in mind that I have not thought of or even considered, then may it be your will. It would be great to know!
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Oh Lord, my God, how majestic is your name in all the earth, at your Name the earth trembles and demons flee. At your Name captives are freed, those who have grown cold will suddenly feel warm and come back to you. Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your Name in all the earth.
You will lead me beside these still waters, restoring my soul. You will personally see to it that our soul is refreshed, our humanity is once again given to us so that we can see the things that get in our way, ostacles such as stress, and overcome them.
We will lack nothing. Nothing at all. We gain everything. 'I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever'. Things are temporary, what matters is eternal.
Lord, please help me to have this perspective on my current situation. I would really value a job that I would love to do (i.e. teaching assisting) but if you have something better in mind that I have not thought of or even considered, then may it be your will. It would be great to know!
Monday, May 17
Who am I to judge?
Curiosity has got the better of me recently, I have been nosily trying to dissect something that I didn't truly understand (and didn't want to fall into the same pitfall trap as someone I know) but after looking and trying to look for reasons, and then finding the reason and being overwhelmingly shocked about it, I have decided that the best thing to do is to leave well and good alone. I don't know whether it was the best thing to do in heinsight to look for the reason as it has done nothing for me (not that it should have) but I realise now that I am more naive than I thought.
I admired someone who has totally turned their back on everything they once believed in. I am not going to pretend to even understand this, how someone can do a 360 degree turn and come to a different point and leave something that was so good behind. I say 360 instead of 180 because it was such a turn that it needed more than that to underline that own fact.
All I can think is that someone needs a bit of help, and by that I mean psych help. But as my ittle suggests, I am not one to judge, I can just offer my own musings as to why. I thought before that finding out would help me to lay the situation to bed, it will take time to do this as it just wont sleep just yet. I just wanted to apologise really, for thinking things and thinking I know better.
I admired someone who has totally turned their back on everything they once believed in. I am not going to pretend to even understand this, how someone can do a 360 degree turn and come to a different point and leave something that was so good behind. I say 360 instead of 180 because it was such a turn that it needed more than that to underline that own fact.
All I can think is that someone needs a bit of help, and by that I mean psych help. But as my ittle suggests, I am not one to judge, I can just offer my own musings as to why. I thought before that finding out would help me to lay the situation to bed, it will take time to do this as it just wont sleep just yet. I just wanted to apologise really, for thinking things and thinking I know better.
Tuesday, May 11
Ode to our home
Our little house has served us well,
But little was it's name and
How we need a bit more space
To build and love our bigger place
But we will not forget our home
The place we forged our married life
We will remember with fair fondness
And we with longing longness miss Chester.
But little was it's name and
How we need a bit more space
To build and love our bigger place
But we will not forget our home
The place we forged our married life
We will remember with fair fondness
And we with longing longness miss Chester.
Monday, May 10
Pretty please?
I could actually really do with a job please, I don't know how else to ask, I've prayed for it specifically, we've prayed together, do we need to pray more? Do I need to pray alone? Does it need to eat so much into our savings that it's not even funny anymore?! I don't know what else to do/where else to go? All of the options seem to be out of reach, there are lots of jobs going in Cardiff but none-few going in SOT, what is up with that? Please can I have a job so I do not go totally insane!? I am doing things this week, but when I go to SOT I need a permanent job with something that I would enjoy doing.
Wednesday, May 5
curtains and washing machines
So, we went to see the houses last night and what shall I say; the first one wrong location, new build, quirky rooms (which I like) good view, no washing machine though or curtains! Our second viewing was in a gorgeous place, really nice views with lots of greenery around, but the house was a wee bit small. There was a glass wall as well which was a bit gross. It was too much for what they were asking per month though, and no washing machine or curtains again (what is it with washing machines and curtains!?)
We have a lovely viewing up for tonight, which I can't make as I am at work till 6pm, but Craig is looking around and then hopefuly I will be able to have a look on thursday. It does look good in the photos, nice bay windows, good garden at the front, small garden at the back but big enough for entertaining and having a BBQ :O) I hope that the rooms are big enough and they do indeed have curtains in place and a washing machine!
Apparently the house is in a nice area, hopefuly close to amenities and schools that I could potentially work at.
Will let you know how it goes!
We have a lovely viewing up for tonight, which I can't make as I am at work till 6pm, but Craig is looking around and then hopefuly I will be able to have a look on thursday. It does look good in the photos, nice bay windows, good garden at the front, small garden at the back but big enough for entertaining and having a BBQ :O) I hope that the rooms are big enough and they do indeed have curtains in place and a washing machine!
Apparently the house is in a nice area, hopefuly close to amenities and schools that I could potentially work at.
Will let you know how it goes!
Tuesday, May 4
Househunting part 1
This has become my therapy at the moment, to be able to write a 'diary' form of what's going on is helping a little, but sometimes I suppose it can be counter-productive, it can hi-light how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and this can be a bit destructive. It can also magnify situations and make them grow so they become quite overwhelming, because my writing is so important to me it is quite powerful too!
Myself and Craig are going to be looking around some properties today in Stoke, and we're looking forward to seeing some of our choices, we've actually come across a bit of a bargain that has just been added to the website, and it looks really nice. Only thing is that we are not really in a good position to negotiate the price as we have noted our interest quickly. But still if we can get it for that price, it has a garden (yay!) and a lovely amount of bedrooms, it will just be so great to have some more space! and to be able to have people over (and maybe even a housewarming party!) :O)
The only minor problem is that I have no real job prospects there. I mean I am signed onto an agency but they are taking their sweet time in finding me any work! We shall see what happens and I'll probably blog later on in the week as to what is going on with our househunting escapades!
Myself and Craig are going to be looking around some properties today in Stoke, and we're looking forward to seeing some of our choices, we've actually come across a bit of a bargain that has just been added to the website, and it looks really nice. Only thing is that we are not really in a good position to negotiate the price as we have noted our interest quickly. But still if we can get it for that price, it has a garden (yay!) and a lovely amount of bedrooms, it will just be so great to have some more space! and to be able to have people over (and maybe even a housewarming party!) :O)
The only minor problem is that I have no real job prospects there. I mean I am signed onto an agency but they are taking their sweet time in finding me any work! We shall see what happens and I'll probably blog later on in the week as to what is going on with our househunting escapades!
Monday, May 3
Anonymous
Misses an old friend who inspired me so much and helped me through a rough patch in my faith. He was not just inspirational, he was a great role model (his relationship with Jesus was so real and accessible - by that I mean he didn't pretend to be something else other than a human being faltering through life but holding on to God, because nothing else matters).
I would chat with him about science and physics and he would get so passionate about those things which was really refreshing to hear about and chat about too. Now, he is incommunicado, non-contactable, 'lost' in our hi-tech big brother style lives, it's quite a feat I suppose!
Something happened that really shocked me, and rocked my faith too, and that is why I have to be so cagey about who he actually is (and I don't even know what happened) but it must have been bad. That's all I know.I hope he's ok and that his faith is still strong.
I would chat with him about science and physics and he would get so passionate about those things which was really refreshing to hear about and chat about too. Now, he is incommunicado, non-contactable, 'lost' in our hi-tech big brother style lives, it's quite a feat I suppose!
Something happened that really shocked me, and rocked my faith too, and that is why I have to be so cagey about who he actually is (and I don't even know what happened) but it must have been bad. That's all I know.I hope he's ok and that his faith is still strong.
Naive? Me?
I knew I chose the blog name for a reason...
Sometimes I can be too gullible for my own good, or trusting, whatever you want to call it, that's what I have just been. So, I thought that we would be headed to Cardiff, but it turns out that that is just a vague pipe dream, and not the firmest of realities which I thought it was before. We are still waiting to hear back from this dude about the job, but in all honesty so many people would have gone for it, so the chances of actually getting this job is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying its impossible, but it's highly implausible.
But I'm not doing too badly at the moment, I'm coming around to the idea of living in Stoke. I spoke to a close friend and she helped me to get my head around it :O)
Signing off now...
Sometimes I can be too gullible for my own good, or trusting, whatever you want to call it, that's what I have just been. So, I thought that we would be headed to Cardiff, but it turns out that that is just a vague pipe dream, and not the firmest of realities which I thought it was before. We are still waiting to hear back from this dude about the job, but in all honesty so many people would have gone for it, so the chances of actually getting this job is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm not saying its impossible, but it's highly implausible.
But I'm not doing too badly at the moment, I'm coming around to the idea of living in Stoke. I spoke to a close friend and she helped me to get my head around it :O)
Signing off now...
Thursday, April 29
Coming apart at the seams
I feel like I'm being slowly torn apart, I cannot contain everything I have inside of me, all of my gifts and talents, but I end up sitting here doing nothing, wasting time. I hate wasting time, I like to be busy and use it well, and I ind that when I use my time and I am busy I do more with my time as I know I haven't got much of it, but it's so depressing when you sit here and the hours go ticking by and you think what have I got to show for today? And you think to yourself, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Was I even here? Did I make a difference in my surroundings today? Did others notice me? Did anyone care? Does anyone actually care how I feel about things, I want to make a decision about my future and what I want to do, to take hold of it and form it and create something beautiful with it, but all I get is wait, wait, wait, stop not now, wait. I'm fed up with Wait, I'm sick and tired of no, not now. What is going on? I feel like I'm going slightly insane. I want to go to Cardiff, I don't actually want to live in Stoke. But is it the case that the grass is always greener? I don't want to get my own hopes up, but this is how I feel. I am beginning to feel slightly suffocated in this decision, there is so much at stake, so much that I need to think about. So much that I don't know about. I feel like I'm a passenger in my own life, and I'd prefer to be the driver, or at least the map reader so I know which direction we're headed in. At the moment I'm just like a little child strapped into the back seat, no idea of where I'm going and my 'parents' aren't telling me, they're just expecting me to tag along, and I don't particularly want to do this tagging along business, I want to choose what I do and where I go. And I feel like i'm being torn apart at the seams, all my stuffing is beginning to fall out and I look tired and worn.
I want to travel, I want to make a difference in this life too. I want to be taken seriously and actually listened to and heard and respected by those around me that help me to make these decisions. (I temporarily forgot how to spell that last word, so sorry if it doesn't read properly) - see I am mad, I am talking to myself cos no one reads this anymore! If you do, let me know it may help!
I want to travel, I want to make a difference in this life too. I want to be taken seriously and actually listened to and heard and respected by those around me that help me to make these decisions. (I temporarily forgot how to spell that last word, so sorry if it doesn't read properly) - see I am mad, I am talking to myself cos no one reads this anymore! If you do, let me know it may help!
Waiting
Waiting
Seems like the longest time
To reclaim what’s really mine.
My destiny, future and job all wrapped up in one.
Why has this become
Such a difficult time?
A time where I have a schedule of what to watch on telly.
Thinking that I could go for a coffee with a friend,
But none reply.
I feel slightly depressed, de-motivated, un-used, ‘un’
I would love to look at myself from God’s perspective,
See what He thinks and makes of this.
Of Chester, Cardiff, Stoke
Which of these is best, A, B or C?
Floating in this liminal land,
On the threshold but never knowing
With this limbo frame of mind
Which way we’re going.
Hopefully somewhat soon
A light will come to guide us
The direction will become clear,
We move and we are happy with where we are.
We are used well, and we fulfil that next step in our life.
We know what God sees in us and we can reach that potential.
We know the way to go.
But for now,
All I can do is wait.
So this is how I feel, I wrote it just now. It best explains what I'm going through at the moment.
Seems like the longest time
To reclaim what’s really mine.
My destiny, future and job all wrapped up in one.
Why has this become
Such a difficult time?
A time where I have a schedule of what to watch on telly.
Thinking that I could go for a coffee with a friend,
But none reply.
I feel slightly depressed, de-motivated, un-used, ‘un’
I would love to look at myself from God’s perspective,
See what He thinks and makes of this.
Of Chester, Cardiff, Stoke
Which of these is best, A, B or C?
Floating in this liminal land,
On the threshold but never knowing
With this limbo frame of mind
Which way we’re going.
Hopefully somewhat soon
A light will come to guide us
The direction will become clear,
We move and we are happy with where we are.
We are used well, and we fulfil that next step in our life.
We know what God sees in us and we can reach that potential.
We know the way to go.
But for now,
All I can do is wait.
So this is how I feel, I wrote it just now. It best explains what I'm going through at the moment.
Tuesday, April 27
These are the lyrics from Mumford and Sons The Cave
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Mumford & Sons The Cave lyrics found on http://www.hibeamlyrics.com/the-cave-lyrics-mumford-sons.html
This song is pretty apt for the period we're going through at the moment. I've felt that for a long while I've had to hold onto hope to get through tougher times. But I feel like I'm coming out of the cave now. But now is the time where I am craving freedom, and living my life as it is meant to be lived. The Maker's hand is surely a reference to the Creator God? I have found immense strength through the pain. There's so much linking this song to my life at the moment. Loving it!
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand
So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say
Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Mumford & Sons The Cave lyrics found on http://www.hibeamlyrics.com/the-cave-lyrics-mumford-sons.html
This song is pretty apt for the period we're going through at the moment. I've felt that for a long while I've had to hold onto hope to get through tougher times. But I feel like I'm coming out of the cave now. But now is the time where I am craving freedom, and living my life as it is meant to be lived. The Maker's hand is surely a reference to the Creator God? I have found immense strength through the pain. There's so much linking this song to my life at the moment. Loving it!
But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart Luke 2:19
Just listening to 'These are the days of Elijah' and thinking about a friend who might have lost his way in the faith, and praying that he will stick close to God, as he brings such a fresh insight from the Word.
And I'm so excited about the thought of going to Cardiff. I can't hold it in. It's like I feel that God has sealed this and stamped it with all that He has got and given us. I feel that my life has been leading up to this decision and moment to move. Me and Craig are so excited about this prospect, and as I've already stated in this blog, the amount of opportunities that we would have with heading in that direction would be so good. I could see that all of my gifts will be used to His glory and praise. For He has placed so much within me that I could live out so many lives potentially that would be juxtaposedly different but I believe that in some way they can all be brought together. It would just be so amazing.
Thank you father, you are so good to me. I believe that you gave me Craig to fulfil what you had placed within me (so many different things and longings) and you created me to be the visionary one but Craig to be the one that grounds me in reality and helps me to see things through to the end and helps me to see how things would play out.
Also, even thinking about Cardiff I am so enthused about it, it gives e creativity here and now, it gives me the words, thoughts and pictures about what could be. My life could be so much better there. Our lives would be so much more used there. It would be immense to think about all of the possibilities and outcomes that we could have there.
Father, may you help us to realise this dream and make it a reality for us. I want to glorify your Name for as long as I live here on earth, and I want our children and our children's children to glorify your Name also.
Just looking and considering this amazing verse in Luke 2:19 'But Mary treasured these things and pondered them in her heart.' - Go dhas said some of the most awesome things to me in the past couple of years, and I have treasured these things in my heart. If you know me and are reading this and thinking what are these things, feel free to ask me, I will let you know.
Right, I'm going to get back to worshipping God! (cheesy!) x
And I'm so excited about the thought of going to Cardiff. I can't hold it in. It's like I feel that God has sealed this and stamped it with all that He has got and given us. I feel that my life has been leading up to this decision and moment to move. Me and Craig are so excited about this prospect, and as I've already stated in this blog, the amount of opportunities that we would have with heading in that direction would be so good. I could see that all of my gifts will be used to His glory and praise. For He has placed so much within me that I could live out so many lives potentially that would be juxtaposedly different but I believe that in some way they can all be brought together. It would just be so amazing.
Thank you father, you are so good to me. I believe that you gave me Craig to fulfil what you had placed within me (so many different things and longings) and you created me to be the visionary one but Craig to be the one that grounds me in reality and helps me to see things through to the end and helps me to see how things would play out.
Also, even thinking about Cardiff I am so enthused about it, it gives e creativity here and now, it gives me the words, thoughts and pictures about what could be. My life could be so much better there. Our lives would be so much more used there. It would be immense to think about all of the possibilities and outcomes that we could have there.
Father, may you help us to realise this dream and make it a reality for us. I want to glorify your Name for as long as I live here on earth, and I want our children and our children's children to glorify your Name also.
Just looking and considering this amazing verse in Luke 2:19 'But Mary treasured these things and pondered them in her heart.' - Go dhas said some of the most awesome things to me in the past couple of years, and I have treasured these things in my heart. If you know me and are reading this and thinking what are these things, feel free to ask me, I will let you know.
Right, I'm going to get back to worshipping God! (cheesy!) x
Thursday, April 22
Soooooooooooooo Annoyed...
Right, so I should have maybe said something to my current employers about working in an agency, (the agency needed a reference just to see whether I had actually been working there) - but it wont affect my work there at the moment, and also they just need to write one and send it, they shouldn't have lied about sending it out last week. That is just wrong. Sorry but that has annoyed me so much, yeah maybe I should have talked to them, but they could have mentioned it to me/ or asked me? And now I have to bring up the subject and I'm not going to like doing this. Thing is the manager would have thought he sent it off, but it probably got 'intercepted' by the assistant manager, who thinks she rules the place(!)
I cannot wait to finish working here.
I cannot wait to finish working here.
Monday, April 19
The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate Slow to Anger Abounding in Love
So, just as an aside, me and Craig are thinking of moving to Cardiff. This is a bit of a secret at the moment, so if you happen to know me and read this then please kind of keep it under your hat so to speak, but I feel the need to share it just to see if anything becomes clearer or changes as I write.
Basically me and Craig feel that Wales is where we've been drawn to, I have felt this from quite a young age and this has been something that keeps coming back to me every now and again. I am reminded of the part in the bible where Mary 'treasures these things in her heart' that's exactly how I feel about Wales. I have also heard that it has been prophesied over me that my son (who doesn't yet exist) will have a heart for Wales. Coincidence? I think not. The only thing is I can't remember who prophesied that over me. It could be one of two or possibly three people, but does that really matter? What matters is this: Craig saw a job posted on the internet that he liked and was in Cardiff, and he phoned me and asked me about moving to Cardiff - now this is VERY unlike Craig, he thinks about things and over-thinks them, he is not spur of the moment spontaneity man, but yet here he is expressing that he feels a weird sensation when he looked at this job, and he really wants it.
Another thing that I should mention is that when we visited Cardiff at one point Craig said that he could see us living here, or he could see himself living there again. I didn't know what to think at that point but I was open to it.
Ok, so the biggest draw for us to that place is the opportunities that would open up to us, here I will number them (not in priority order):
1.) There are a number of jobs that have come up for a teaching assistant, and we know someone who is involved in the schools over there so we would have a good contact.
2.) It is near the sea! - I love the sea, and this may sound like a bit of a rubbish point, but I feel that our quality of life would go up considerably: firstly I can meet with God quite easily on a beach (I love the surroundings, I love praising God and spending time in His presence in a place like that) Secondly as a sub point: I gain creative ideas from being in beautiful surroundings and when I am happy or sad that will be a good generation for writing/painting/drawing/ writing poetry etc... Thirdly as a sub point, I will so enjoy being near a beach it will be lovely to just go and spend time there, walking, reading, maybe taking a dog for a walk, praying etc.
3.) We have links with Ignite which is a Christian organisation that we have helped out at before, and Craig grew up with them basically. Nigel J is a travelling pastor with Third Day and he has opportunities galore to go on mission trips, and in the past he has suggested that me and Craig could lead some trips in the future, which would be so good. Also we could help out at the Ignite Hope and any youth events that they put on in Cardiff.
4.) We know a lot of people already who live there and who we like a lot so we have friends there already- and funnily enough it is closer to my parents than it was when we were in Chester (I'm already talking as though Chester was in the past tense!)
So, all in all there are massive reasons to go there. Also it would be fulfilling a prophetic word that someone once brought to me, and which I valued at the time. Also, I want to accomplish much more than just a 9-5 job mon -fri; I want to write, to paint, to travel and to spread the word of God. I want to help the needy and speak for the voiceless.
Dear Father may you give us discerning hearts and minds to see whether we would benefit from going here, and also may we have your full and total blessing on this if you will this to be, Father we are so excited to follow what plans you have for us. Dear Lord would you come and pour out your blessing on us, and help us to have the wisdom to deal with this in a sensitive way. May it be that Craig gets this new job, and that when we tell people they will understand and send us with their good wishes and blessings. Father God, you have been faithful to us in the walk so far, and we ask you to carry on with us in our journey. In Jesus' Almighty Name which formed the heavens and the earth, Amen.x
Basically me and Craig feel that Wales is where we've been drawn to, I have felt this from quite a young age and this has been something that keeps coming back to me every now and again. I am reminded of the part in the bible where Mary 'treasures these things in her heart' that's exactly how I feel about Wales. I have also heard that it has been prophesied over me that my son (who doesn't yet exist) will have a heart for Wales. Coincidence? I think not. The only thing is I can't remember who prophesied that over me. It could be one of two or possibly three people, but does that really matter? What matters is this: Craig saw a job posted on the internet that he liked and was in Cardiff, and he phoned me and asked me about moving to Cardiff - now this is VERY unlike Craig, he thinks about things and over-thinks them, he is not spur of the moment spontaneity man, but yet here he is expressing that he feels a weird sensation when he looked at this job, and he really wants it.
Another thing that I should mention is that when we visited Cardiff at one point Craig said that he could see us living here, or he could see himself living there again. I didn't know what to think at that point but I was open to it.
Ok, so the biggest draw for us to that place is the opportunities that would open up to us, here I will number them (not in priority order):
1.) There are a number of jobs that have come up for a teaching assistant, and we know someone who is involved in the schools over there so we would have a good contact.
2.) It is near the sea! - I love the sea, and this may sound like a bit of a rubbish point, but I feel that our quality of life would go up considerably: firstly I can meet with God quite easily on a beach (I love the surroundings, I love praising God and spending time in His presence in a place like that) Secondly as a sub point: I gain creative ideas from being in beautiful surroundings and when I am happy or sad that will be a good generation for writing/painting/drawing/ writing poetry etc... Thirdly as a sub point, I will so enjoy being near a beach it will be lovely to just go and spend time there, walking, reading, maybe taking a dog for a walk, praying etc.
3.) We have links with Ignite which is a Christian organisation that we have helped out at before, and Craig grew up with them basically. Nigel J is a travelling pastor with Third Day and he has opportunities galore to go on mission trips, and in the past he has suggested that me and Craig could lead some trips in the future, which would be so good. Also we could help out at the Ignite Hope and any youth events that they put on in Cardiff.
4.) We know a lot of people already who live there and who we like a lot so we have friends there already- and funnily enough it is closer to my parents than it was when we were in Chester (I'm already talking as though Chester was in the past tense!)
So, all in all there are massive reasons to go there. Also it would be fulfilling a prophetic word that someone once brought to me, and which I valued at the time. Also, I want to accomplish much more than just a 9-5 job mon -fri; I want to write, to paint, to travel and to spread the word of God. I want to help the needy and speak for the voiceless.
Dear Father may you give us discerning hearts and minds to see whether we would benefit from going here, and also may we have your full and total blessing on this if you will this to be, Father we are so excited to follow what plans you have for us. Dear Lord would you come and pour out your blessing on us, and help us to have the wisdom to deal with this in a sensitive way. May it be that Craig gets this new job, and that when we tell people they will understand and send us with their good wishes and blessings. Father God, you have been faithful to us in the walk so far, and we ask you to carry on with us in our journey. In Jesus' Almighty Name which formed the heavens and the earth, Amen.x
Wednesday, April 7
all good things come to those who wait
... it's corny but it's true... and as a Christian I believe that everything works for the good of those that love God. (Romans 8:28) - and I feel that a change is coming.
On Thursday or Good Friday last week, something told me to have a look on the job centre plus website, and I was like ok, yeah I'll do that, and I found a job advert taht was perfect for me, so I phoned up on Tuesday and she's given me an interview for this Friday!
Now even if you don't believe in God that is some cool coincidences - how on earth did I just think I would go on this website... I didn't even know it existed, yet I believe that God gave me the web address, and it was on my head to follow it up from there!
It is scary for many reasons:
1. I may not get the job and will have to keep on at Clarks an the support work (which is ok, but more of a stop gap job)
2. If I do get it then I will have to learn more about looking after my finances and actually organise having a salary!
3. What if I get there, start doing the job and either a) begin to dislike it or b) find out that I'm not as happy as I thought I was going to be and it was all a case of the grass is greener on the other side scenario.
But....
what if I said no to all of these fearful ideas and just go for it? What would come of it?
Another 'coincidence' is that it is really easy to get to the interview this Friday, and that I only have to get a train for 20 mins and then walk for a bit!
I think that the opportunities far outweigh the fears and these are:
1. I may love the job (as I think I would) feel fulfilled and begin to feel happier
2. Having a salary will be great for me and the hub- for example we can look for a bigger house!
3. It will mean that I will be able to get on the career ladder as a teacher :O)
4. If we plan to have children in the near future then we will have a stable income and we can actually save!
5. We can go on holidays and have a greater social life!
6. I will have more time to do things that I enjoy- and actually have weekends and holidays again!!!!
So there you go, the opportunities far outweigh the fears, and therefore there is no reason to fear!
WHoo hoo! - will let you know how it goes :O)
On Thursday or Good Friday last week, something told me to have a look on the job centre plus website, and I was like ok, yeah I'll do that, and I found a job advert taht was perfect for me, so I phoned up on Tuesday and she's given me an interview for this Friday!
Now even if you don't believe in God that is some cool coincidences - how on earth did I just think I would go on this website... I didn't even know it existed, yet I believe that God gave me the web address, and it was on my head to follow it up from there!
It is scary for many reasons:
1. I may not get the job and will have to keep on at Clarks an the support work (which is ok, but more of a stop gap job)
2. If I do get it then I will have to learn more about looking after my finances and actually organise having a salary!
3. What if I get there, start doing the job and either a) begin to dislike it or b) find out that I'm not as happy as I thought I was going to be and it was all a case of the grass is greener on the other side scenario.
But....
what if I said no to all of these fearful ideas and just go for it? What would come of it?
Another 'coincidence' is that it is really easy to get to the interview this Friday, and that I only have to get a train for 20 mins and then walk for a bit!
I think that the opportunities far outweigh the fears and these are:
1. I may love the job (as I think I would) feel fulfilled and begin to feel happier
2. Having a salary will be great for me and the hub- for example we can look for a bigger house!
3. It will mean that I will be able to get on the career ladder as a teacher :O)
4. If we plan to have children in the near future then we will have a stable income and we can actually save!
5. We can go on holidays and have a greater social life!
6. I will have more time to do things that I enjoy- and actually have weekends and holidays again!!!!
So there you go, the opportunities far outweigh the fears, and therefore there is no reason to fear!
WHoo hoo! - will let you know how it goes :O)
Wednesday, March 31
not in a month of Sundays!
I am sorry but when you work for a Christian organisation you expect certain things like towork with Christians, to do Christian things at work like pray and encourage each other and stuff and three: and this is the biggie: not to be asked to work EVERY sunday (!)
WHAT?
I hear you say....
and I would have to say I really don't know, but all I do know is that we're not going to take it lying down!!!! Firslty its the only day we get off together secondly, it would be detrimental to our marriage, and thirdly, what Christian organisation asks someone to work EVERY sunday? - I mean you are taking people away from church, away from fellowship and teaching and feeding that you need on a sunday, and you are saying basically that you are against marriage as you have told them that this would be bad for your marriage, and they're still saying ask your wife.....
I'm sorry but this is one thing that I'm putting my foot down with God: God, you need to sort this out cos we're not taking it!
Rant over!
WHAT?
I hear you say....
and I would have to say I really don't know, but all I do know is that we're not going to take it lying down!!!! Firslty its the only day we get off together secondly, it would be detrimental to our marriage, and thirdly, what Christian organisation asks someone to work EVERY sunday? - I mean you are taking people away from church, away from fellowship and teaching and feeding that you need on a sunday, and you are saying basically that you are against marriage as you have told them that this would be bad for your marriage, and they're still saying ask your wife.....
I'm sorry but this is one thing that I'm putting my foot down with God: God, you need to sort this out cos we're not taking it!
Rant over!
Sunday, March 21
everything's not lost
Today I feel like a liquid - I feel like I have no substance, could easily just sit here doing nothing and feeling heavy. Bad feeling. Last night I went to a friend's birthday party which was nice to be sociable, but it made me feel rubbish at the end as I sat near lots of people that have the job that I really want, and it makes me feel sad and rubbish at the same time, thinking that they got their reasonably easy and I feel like i'm struggling- it's like trying to run through honey with a huge weight on my back with a person that is telling me, even shouting at me to run faster.
Thursday, March 11
time to kill
So this blog will be a bit self explanatory, I do have a few hours to 'kill' so I thought I would try and use my time wisely, rather than just going on the internet and on social networking sites such as facebook! The student that I am working with at the moment is quite rude, and fairly annoying. She keeps herself to herself which is great, but she never apologises for anything, and I'm not going to either, I ahve made that decision, she doesn't apologise for being late, doesn't realise the amount of commitment it takes for me to get into Keele from Chester, and the tiredness and stress it may cause. She doesn't seem to look past the end of her own nose, her responsibilities seem unreasonable to her, she sits in her lectures and she goes on the internet she doesn't even seem to want to be there, I ahve no idea why I am taking notes for her as she can type quicker than I can; but she says she has a small attention span so it means I have to write unjoined words with different ink colours each with a line space in between. It's so time consuming thinking about which colour comes next etc that I find I miss some important notes and my sentence structure is stunted by the switch that often occurs mid sentence between colours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 2
Drops Like Stars Tour
I am so excited, things are going so well at the moment, I have been to the cinema this week, had a meal out, just had a coffee with the hub (which is my love language - quality time:) and now I've just heard that Craig, through his work has been able to get a ticket to the Drops Like Stars tour and I'm going on the 15th March this year, I'm so excited, this is brilliant. I haven't had anything to look forward to in a while, and things are just happening now which is fantastic - it just goes to show that when you become more open to opportunities and positive about your current situation then good things can happen :O)
I'm trying to blog more so I can trace these things so that when I am feeling a bit sorry for myself I can read this and feel happier. I am also blogging more in an attempt to get a bit better at writing. I figure that if I write more, I will get better at it!
I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but this is really just for myself!
I'm trying to blog more so I can trace these things so that when I am feeling a bit sorry for myself I can read this and feel happier. I am also blogging more in an attempt to get a bit better at writing. I figure that if I write more, I will get better at it!
I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but this is really just for myself!
My thoughts this week so far....
Right so what I've done so far this week to make things a bit better for myself (and it's only tuesday!):
1.) Been to the cinema and watched Avatar (which I really enjoyed)
2.) Went out for a meal with the hub
3.) Been open to meet up with a friend who I've not seen in ages
so, this is a new development for me; it's working well, and I have to keep up the momentum, (I'm also trying to blog my thoughts more!)
In regards to Avatar, I disagree that it is just a film with overgrown smurfs on it; this view is too limiting. If you fail to see the beauty of the world and the community that they created which was pure and unadulterated then we can learn something from them; their way of life in respecting animals and the creation around them. I also loved the idea of downloading your thoughts and memories, even your voice into something that was going to last forever.
It had nuances as well as similarities to other films, the 'human' section of the film resonated with minority report and other sci fi movies (the screens which held the information, and moving the information around the screen by hand etc was first done in minority report, and also seen in surrogates.)
The nuances consisted not only of the different animals and eco systems in that world called Pandora, but of the way that all the clans could connect to nature and animals were amazing. the community aspect was special, and also wherever they walked they seemed to be emitting light. I loved James Cameron's ideas which pushed the boundaries of the human imagination to come up with; bravo for producing something that was unique, but beautiful.
All too often film makers come up with horrors that are unique but morbidly dsgusting, and I am ashsmed to think that someone human could come up with these ideas and place them in front of us on the big screens, it makes me feel slightly ill. I am not suggesting that I am perfect, but it is nice to see that a film maker can create something beautiful. the floating mountains were gorgeous, and the idea that you could choose your own bird thingy (don't know the actual name!) was immense!
In short Avatar was a film to be seen on the big screen; not just for the 3d experience but also for the ideas behind it, it was not just a linear plot that was sorted out at the end, but an ongoing striving for us to seek the best in things, respecting nature around us and working with it rather than against it.
1.) Been to the cinema and watched Avatar (which I really enjoyed)
2.) Went out for a meal with the hub
3.) Been open to meet up with a friend who I've not seen in ages
so, this is a new development for me; it's working well, and I have to keep up the momentum, (I'm also trying to blog my thoughts more!)
In regards to Avatar, I disagree that it is just a film with overgrown smurfs on it; this view is too limiting. If you fail to see the beauty of the world and the community that they created which was pure and unadulterated then we can learn something from them; their way of life in respecting animals and the creation around them. I also loved the idea of downloading your thoughts and memories, even your voice into something that was going to last forever.
It had nuances as well as similarities to other films, the 'human' section of the film resonated with minority report and other sci fi movies (the screens which held the information, and moving the information around the screen by hand etc was first done in minority report, and also seen in surrogates.)
The nuances consisted not only of the different animals and eco systems in that world called Pandora, but of the way that all the clans could connect to nature and animals were amazing. the community aspect was special, and also wherever they walked they seemed to be emitting light. I loved James Cameron's ideas which pushed the boundaries of the human imagination to come up with; bravo for producing something that was unique, but beautiful.
All too often film makers come up with horrors that are unique but morbidly dsgusting, and I am ashsmed to think that someone human could come up with these ideas and place them in front of us on the big screens, it makes me feel slightly ill. I am not suggesting that I am perfect, but it is nice to see that a film maker can create something beautiful. the floating mountains were gorgeous, and the idea that you could choose your own bird thingy (don't know the actual name!) was immense!
In short Avatar was a film to be seen on the big screen; not just for the 3d experience but also for the ideas behind it, it was not just a linear plot that was sorted out at the end, but an ongoing striving for us to seek the best in things, respecting nature around us and working with it rather than against it.
Saturday, February 27
Quote from Jim Jarmusch Be Authentic
"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non- existent. And don't bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean - Luc Godard said: "It's not where you take things from - it's where you take them to."
- Jim Jarmusch
The ultimate me?
In 2008 I got married, which was brilliant, but I think I may have lost something of 'myself ' in that which I need to get back. I have been searching for it for a long time now and still can't put my finger on it, maybe I lost this before I was maried, but it's what it makes me me that I need to get back.
Maybe I need to do something, just one thing, each day that is totally 'me' as I don't want to lose my unique take on life.
I want to try something new every week (I was going to write every day, but that might be a bit enthusiastic!)
Maybe the 'me' I'm looking for is the one pre matt(2).
What is 'the ultimate me?' - the most me that I can be?
* CARING - so much so that I create deeper friendships with more than a few people, I give myself to others in time and energy
* FUN - inviting more friends round, even people from church that I'm worried about inviting back to our tiny flat
* SOCIABLE/FRIENDLY - creating social events and going to them!
* INTELLECTUALLY/INSPIRING/LEADERSHIP - I want to set something up that will help others, whether that be in a form of a charity or help to some people or leading others/ maybe something at church re: leadership.
* NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF - BEING AMBITIOUS AND FULFILLING THESE AIMS
so what does this mean in my daily life?
1.) Trying new things that I love - singing in the band again, volunteering for youth work at church.
2.) Having a DVD girly night at our flat
3.) Keep on writing (poems/stories) Keep on creating art
4.) Keep up deep friendships with others
Right, so these are some practical ideas to keep me from going insane! :O)
Maybe I need to do something, just one thing, each day that is totally 'me' as I don't want to lose my unique take on life.
I want to try something new every week (I was going to write every day, but that might be a bit enthusiastic!)
Maybe the 'me' I'm looking for is the one pre matt(2).
What is 'the ultimate me?' - the most me that I can be?
* CARING - so much so that I create deeper friendships with more than a few people, I give myself to others in time and energy
* FUN - inviting more friends round, even people from church that I'm worried about inviting back to our tiny flat
* SOCIABLE/FRIENDLY - creating social events and going to them!
* INTELLECTUALLY/INSPIRING/LEADERSHIP - I want to set something up that will help others, whether that be in a form of a charity or help to some people or leading others/ maybe something at church re: leadership.
* NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF - BEING AMBITIOUS AND FULFILLING THESE AIMS
so what does this mean in my daily life?
1.) Trying new things that I love - singing in the band again, volunteering for youth work at church.
2.) Having a DVD girly night at our flat
3.) Keep on writing (poems/stories) Keep on creating art
4.) Keep up deep friendships with others
Right, so these are some practical ideas to keep me from going insane! :O)
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