Coming apart at the seams

I feel like I'm being slowly torn apart, I cannot contain everything I have inside of me, all of my gifts and talents, but I end up sitting here doing nothing, wasting time. I hate wasting time, I like to be busy and use it well, and I ind that when I use my time and I am busy I do more with my time as I know I haven't got much of it, but it's so depressing when you sit here and the hours go ticking by and you think what have I got to show for today? And you think to yourself, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Was I even here? Did I make a difference in my surroundings today? Did others notice me? Did anyone care? Does anyone actually care how I feel about things, I want to make a decision about my future and what I want to do, to take hold of it and form it and create something beautiful with it, but all I get is wait, wait, wait, stop not now, wait. I'm fed up with Wait, I'm sick and tired of no, not now. What is going on? I feel like I'm going slightly insane. I want to go to Cardiff, I don't actually want to live in Stoke. But is it the case that the grass is always greener? I don't want to get my own hopes up, but this is how I feel. I am beginning to feel slightly suffocated in this decision, there is so much at stake, so much that I need to think about. So much that I don't know about. I feel like I'm a  passenger in my own life, and I'd prefer to be the driver, or at least the map reader so I know which direction we're headed in. At the moment I'm just like a little child strapped into the back seat, no idea of where I'm going and my 'parents' aren't telling me, they're just expecting me to tag along, and I don't particularly want to do this tagging along business, I want to choose what I do and where I go. And I feel like i'm being torn apart at the seams, all my stuffing is beginning to fall out and I look tired and worn.
I want to travel, I want to make a difference in this life too. I want to be taken seriously and actually listened to and heard and respected by those around me that help me to make these decisions. (I temporarily forgot how to spell that last word, so sorry if it doesn't read properly) - see I am mad, I am talking to myself cos no one reads this anymore! If you do, let me know it may help!