Do you know what the worst thing about holidays is? The fact that you miss people from uni. You can miss not just the people but the place, and teh speed of life being different, and also the fact that Craig is just around the corner at uni, whereas here, he's like 100 miles away (just) which is rubbish. I know that I can't do anything about it, and I will see him on the 27th til the New Year, but somehow thats just not enough! I still really miss him, and all my other friends at uni. In Aylesbury loads of my friends have either gone to uni, or have moved away from Aylesbury, whatever the reason, I just don't see them, so its quite lonely here.
The fact that I know I should be doing uni work doesn't help very much either, especially when you don't feel in a working mood, or you get out of a routine, and quite enjoy watching the telly and doing nothing but niggling at the back of your mind are the three essays that need to be started, the notes that need to be made, the books that need to be written, the questions that inevitably need answering. All this and I need to actually have a holiday (or a sense of one!) and enjoy that, and also do some work at the hospital, and go and see Craig (which is wrapped up in having a hoiday) So its all a bit of a juggling act really. And, Bex, I am getting a tad addicted to blogging; its the first thing I check when I come on the internet, and its the thing that I'm doing now at least once a day it seems- I mean its nowhere near at an addictive stage as it is with you ;) - in the nicest way possible- but I could see it getting that way.
So I hope everyone's Christmasses are giong well, and that we're all having fun and a jolly festive time!
Happy Christmas!
Thursday, December 22
6 months later!
After 6 months of applying to be a bank HCA, I have FINALLY got my first shift tomorrow...scared? nah....more like petrified!
Things that are running through my head:
* What if I screw up?
* What if I don't enjoy it anymore?
* What if I can't do it anymore?
* What if they don't like me/ I don't like them?!
I know these are all 'what if's' but they're still scary! I want to be able to go into a nice atmosphere, a nice working one, and be able to work my hardest and best at it, and to be able to enjoy it (I'm working on the EMU ward which stands for Emergency Medical Unit) which is like a slower version of A&E, the good thing about this is that after working here I can, in affect work anywhere in the Hospital, but the bad thing about it is that if you miss something important then you're in big trouble. I also hope that I manage to survive the shift without falling down because of exhaustion at the end of it!
I am actually looking forward to it too, I hope my work for uni can stand up to this (as in, I hope that I can actually do some work during the holidays!) so I can get on top of the work load. That will be good!
Things that are running through my head:
* What if I screw up?
* What if I don't enjoy it anymore?
* What if I can't do it anymore?
* What if they don't like me/ I don't like them?!
I know these are all 'what if's' but they're still scary! I want to be able to go into a nice atmosphere, a nice working one, and be able to work my hardest and best at it, and to be able to enjoy it (I'm working on the EMU ward which stands for Emergency Medical Unit) which is like a slower version of A&E, the good thing about this is that after working here I can, in affect work anywhere in the Hospital, but the bad thing about it is that if you miss something important then you're in big trouble. I also hope that I manage to survive the shift without falling down because of exhaustion at the end of it!
I am actually looking forward to it too, I hope my work for uni can stand up to this (as in, I hope that I can actually do some work during the holidays!) so I can get on top of the work load. That will be good!
Wednesday, December 21
...and that's what we call CLOSURE!!!
For a long time the only thing that had been bugging me about Matt was the fact that I just had no clue as to what he was doing, and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but to me it annoyed me at times, and made me curious.
And then out of the blue he texts me the other day, and although I had no clue as to what to do at the start, I know that I don't want to keep in touch with him, and that I don't want him anywhere near me or Craig or anyone else that I care about because of his destructive nature, I asked him what he was doing and how his r'ship with his mum was like now etc...all the things that really used to get on my nerves (only when they came into my head, which was very rarely!).
So, he's doing what he was gonna do all alog, which is good, he's studying and I have no idea of his mental status, but it seems more firm than it has been. The thing with him is that he has such an addictive personality that it makes you want to keep in contact with him, and like a drug it has withdrawal symptoms along with it too.
I'm glad that he's doing what he wants, but I have no desire to keep in touch with him.
But then thats closure isn't it- a bringing to an end, a conclusion.
I just needed it, like sometimes we need to hear the word sorry even if its such a massive thing that the other person has done, if they had never apologised for it then it would be bugging me for ages. So there it is- its been closed.
And then out of the blue he texts me the other day, and although I had no clue as to what to do at the start, I know that I don't want to keep in touch with him, and that I don't want him anywhere near me or Craig or anyone else that I care about because of his destructive nature, I asked him what he was doing and how his r'ship with his mum was like now etc...all the things that really used to get on my nerves (only when they came into my head, which was very rarely!).
So, he's doing what he was gonna do all alog, which is good, he's studying and I have no idea of his mental status, but it seems more firm than it has been. The thing with him is that he has such an addictive personality that it makes you want to keep in contact with him, and like a drug it has withdrawal symptoms along with it too.
I'm glad that he's doing what he wants, but I have no desire to keep in touch with him.
But then thats closure isn't it- a bringing to an end, a conclusion.
I just needed it, like sometimes we need to hear the word sorry even if its such a massive thing that the other person has done, if they had never apologised for it then it would be bugging me for ages. So there it is- its been closed.
Monday, December 19
mouse up-date!
...by the way... update on the mouse thing... one has been caught (humanely I might add!) and freed (onto a central reservation outside my house!!!) we're not sure if there's another one lurking in the house, but at least the mouse-trap works, we thought that it wouldn't and that the mouse was too clever for it, but no!
Grasping hold of God
I think i'm quite different at uni than I am at home, i've realised some things about myself that I couldn't have done while I was in Aylesbury, and this has so helped with my self esteem (of which I used to have quite substantial problems with)- nothing detrimental, just enough to let it ruin parts of your life.
I would say that I'm not good at knowing myself fully, I mean I knowa lot of things that I would do in certain situations, but then sometimes I don't know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I think when you focus on your weaknesses you can lose sight of your strengths. Lets put this into language you can understand, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, and I hate it, but in a way I like it too, I like being able to get away with the least amount of effort and produce something good out of it, and I'm not a planner as you would acll one, I have thoughts in my mind about certain things, but I know that if I plan too much and it all falls apart then i feel sad, and so I use my procrastination as a sense of self defence, as in 'I didn't take too much care about it so I expected that result' sort of thing. I know that this is so dangerous because you end up being let down quite a lot of the time, I mean I wouldn't let my friends down as much as I let myself down (if that makes sense)
I think you need to be true to yourself, not just knowing stuff about yourself, but actively doing something about the faults, and working on the things that you're good at. I felt bad even when I do things good at times, because you think that people expect something back from you, and so you feel that the other person might think there's an ulterior motive behind what you're doing when there's not, but I think i've come to think about that in a different way- I know what intention I had at the time of doing something good for someone else, and so I know that God will see it that way too, no matter what the other person may think or act like. Maybe I think too much about these things.
Anywhoo! I just have been realising that some people who think that they know you, really probably don't, so don't expect them to know whats the best for you or other things in your life that you might think are important to you, aren't to them, so what, I think that you should just be yourself with good and bad points, ust go for it. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I did something good, or something different, so when I was younger I wouldn't do those things, and I wish I had, because I would have learnt so much from them, if I'd have just taken the chance and not been weighed down by what others would think of me, but there ya go, can't go back in time. I used to feel that if I had the same idea as someone else, and they'd done it first that I would just be seen to be copying them, I hated that comparrison, so rather than doing the things that I thought, or the things that I wanted to, I just wouldn't do them.
I suppose in a way i'm like that now too. I don't think i'm good enough to do certain things, so I leave them well alone, until someone comes up to me and actually either makes me do them, I wont give them a go. Take for example HCA, I thought I could do it, but then I had doubts abot it, but I tried it, and loved doing that job, also with small group leading, I never thought I would be able to do something like that, but I love doing it and giving my time up for it, and the people that are in my group, and just working on those relationships and gaining deeper friendships from just being with them.
I think that this term, admist the workload which has been really tough for me to grasp hold of, God has been teaching me to broaden my horizons, not to think what I can do alone, but what God acn do though me. Craig, unknowingly has been challenging me about that too, which has been good, but also hard to hear, because I knew that I didn't want to do anything about it.
Anyway, I really do think that my organisational skills are improving slightly! And I hope that they continue to do so!!!!!!! about the raving ranting thing, I just needed to vent it I suppose!
I would say that I'm not good at knowing myself fully, I mean I knowa lot of things that I would do in certain situations, but then sometimes I don't know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I think when you focus on your weaknesses you can lose sight of your strengths. Lets put this into language you can understand, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, and I hate it, but in a way I like it too, I like being able to get away with the least amount of effort and produce something good out of it, and I'm not a planner as you would acll one, I have thoughts in my mind about certain things, but I know that if I plan too much and it all falls apart then i feel sad, and so I use my procrastination as a sense of self defence, as in 'I didn't take too much care about it so I expected that result' sort of thing. I know that this is so dangerous because you end up being let down quite a lot of the time, I mean I wouldn't let my friends down as much as I let myself down (if that makes sense)
I think you need to be true to yourself, not just knowing stuff about yourself, but actively doing something about the faults, and working on the things that you're good at. I felt bad even when I do things good at times, because you think that people expect something back from you, and so you feel that the other person might think there's an ulterior motive behind what you're doing when there's not, but I think i've come to think about that in a different way- I know what intention I had at the time of doing something good for someone else, and so I know that God will see it that way too, no matter what the other person may think or act like. Maybe I think too much about these things.
Anywhoo! I just have been realising that some people who think that they know you, really probably don't, so don't expect them to know whats the best for you or other things in your life that you might think are important to you, aren't to them, so what, I think that you should just be yourself with good and bad points, ust go for it. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I did something good, or something different, so when I was younger I wouldn't do those things, and I wish I had, because I would have learnt so much from them, if I'd have just taken the chance and not been weighed down by what others would think of me, but there ya go, can't go back in time. I used to feel that if I had the same idea as someone else, and they'd done it first that I would just be seen to be copying them, I hated that comparrison, so rather than doing the things that I thought, or the things that I wanted to, I just wouldn't do them.
I suppose in a way i'm like that now too. I don't think i'm good enough to do certain things, so I leave them well alone, until someone comes up to me and actually either makes me do them, I wont give them a go. Take for example HCA, I thought I could do it, but then I had doubts abot it, but I tried it, and loved doing that job, also with small group leading, I never thought I would be able to do something like that, but I love doing it and giving my time up for it, and the people that are in my group, and just working on those relationships and gaining deeper friendships from just being with them.
I think that this term, admist the workload which has been really tough for me to grasp hold of, God has been teaching me to broaden my horizons, not to think what I can do alone, but what God acn do though me. Craig, unknowingly has been challenging me about that too, which has been good, but also hard to hear, because I knew that I didn't want to do anything about it.
Anyway, I really do think that my organisational skills are improving slightly! And I hope that they continue to do so!!!!!!! about the raving ranting thing, I just needed to vent it I suppose!
The seven things saga
seven things to do before I die:
1) Get married
2) Have kids
3) Watch them grow up- be a mum
4) Go to New Zealand and visit my family
5) Get a reasonable degree!
6) Write an article/poem/book in a reputable newspaper/magazine/publisher!
7) Go to Africa and help out there somehow
Seven things I cannot do:
1) Keep my opinion to myself
2) Be as organised as I'd like to be
3) Go back in time
4) Go forward in time
5) Maths!
6) Fly unaided
7) Whistle really loudly by using your fingers in mouth
Seven things I say most often:
1) cool
2) ace
3) wow
4) whatever
5) man alive
6) moose
7) dime bar
Seven books I love
1) Chronicles of Narnia (esp.Lion Witch and Wardrobe)
2) Frankenstein
3) Revelations
4) Enid Blyton(-NOT SECRET 7 OR FAMOUS 5!)
5) Ephesians
6) Philippians
7) Romans
Seven Films I could watch over and over again:
1) The Truman Show
2) Mrs. Doubtfire
3) Good Will Hunting
4) Minority Report
5) Mary Poppins
6) Alice in Wonderland
7) 1&2 of Home Alone
Seven songs I love at the mo:
1) Madonna's new one
2) Dirty Harry- by Gorillaz
3) Third Day song, can't rem the name!
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Deliriou5- Majesty
6) Audio Adrenaline Ocean Floor
7) Audience of One by Big Daddy something or other!
Seven People to do this next:
1) David Beattie
2) Daniel Mace
3) Emma Oldham
4) Craig Wakeling
to be honest I don't know who else would actually do it! lol
1) Get married
2) Have kids
3) Watch them grow up- be a mum
4) Go to New Zealand and visit my family
5) Get a reasonable degree!
6) Write an article/poem/book in a reputable newspaper/magazine/publisher!
7) Go to Africa and help out there somehow
Seven things I cannot do:
1) Keep my opinion to myself
2) Be as organised as I'd like to be
3) Go back in time
4) Go forward in time
5) Maths!
6) Fly unaided
7) Whistle really loudly by using your fingers in mouth
Seven things I say most often:
1) cool
2) ace
3) wow
4) whatever
5) man alive
6) moose
7) dime bar
Seven books I love
1) Chronicles of Narnia (esp.Lion Witch and Wardrobe)
2) Frankenstein
3) Revelations
4) Enid Blyton(-NOT SECRET 7 OR FAMOUS 5!)
5) Ephesians
6) Philippians
7) Romans
Seven Films I could watch over and over again:
1) The Truman Show
2) Mrs. Doubtfire
3) Good Will Hunting
4) Minority Report
5) Mary Poppins
6) Alice in Wonderland
7) 1&2 of Home Alone
Seven songs I love at the mo:
1) Madonna's new one
2) Dirty Harry- by Gorillaz
3) Third Day song, can't rem the name!
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Deliriou5- Majesty
6) Audio Adrenaline Ocean Floor
7) Audience of One by Big Daddy something or other!
Seven People to do this next:
1) David Beattie
2) Daniel Mace
3) Emma Oldham
4) Craig Wakeling
to be honest I don't know who else would actually do it! lol
Thursday, December 1
YHWH
During the past term within CU we have been studying the different Names of God. It has been so awesome (quite literally) and has helped everyone to gain a greter understanding of how Big and beyond God is from us, but yet so near.
We focussed on
Rohi- Shepherd
El-Shaddai- Almighty
Adonai- Master
Shaphat- Judge
Alpha and Omega- purely a name for Jesus
Shalom- God is peace
Yaweh
And one other (that I can't remember at the moment!) but the last one we looked at on Tuesday, Yaweh was just amazing.
We looked at the way in which God's Name is wrapped up in Who he is, what he does and how he acts, so when we pray 'in His Name' it should never be said as a tag on line at the end of a prayer, or as a seal of approval, knowing that God will have to answer this one because I said 'in his name.'
The Jews (I think) was trying to encapsulate the reverence of God's name by the way in which they used it. They would never have put the vowels into YHWH, as a sign of respect, and awe, and the fact that they know that God is beyond, and cannot be named. That is why God gives us so many different names for Jesus, and God and the Holy Spirit within the bible, because thats just a small part of who God is, represented to us in those names so we can gain a greater understanding of the facets of God(!)
There are over 300 different names for God in the bible, and each one shows a different aspect of him, so we can call upon God's name. But we also need to realise that we can never call one name for God, so why do we pray using one name?!
This really challenged me to use different names of God to pray, and when I used them, not to use them as a filler, or a thinking word, but when I use it to mean what I say.
If you want to listen to the talk that was on YHWH (I really recommend it!) you can download it at my friends website (or listen online) it will hopefuly really encourage you.
its a bit big to read, but its such a cool site
http://www.fakerepublic.com/fake/2005/11a_name_that_can.html#more
We focussed on
Rohi- Shepherd
El-Shaddai- Almighty
Adonai- Master
Shaphat- Judge
Alpha and Omega- purely a name for Jesus
Shalom- God is peace
Yaweh
And one other (that I can't remember at the moment!) but the last one we looked at on Tuesday, Yaweh was just amazing.
We looked at the way in which God's Name is wrapped up in Who he is, what he does and how he acts, so when we pray 'in His Name' it should never be said as a tag on line at the end of a prayer, or as a seal of approval, knowing that God will have to answer this one because I said 'in his name.'
The Jews (I think) was trying to encapsulate the reverence of God's name by the way in which they used it. They would never have put the vowels into YHWH, as a sign of respect, and awe, and the fact that they know that God is beyond, and cannot be named. That is why God gives us so many different names for Jesus, and God and the Holy Spirit within the bible, because thats just a small part of who God is, represented to us in those names so we can gain a greater understanding of the facets of God(!)
There are over 300 different names for God in the bible, and each one shows a different aspect of him, so we can call upon God's name. But we also need to realise that we can never call one name for God, so why do we pray using one name?!
This really challenged me to use different names of God to pray, and when I used them, not to use them as a filler, or a thinking word, but when I use it to mean what I say.
If you want to listen to the talk that was on YHWH (I really recommend it!) you can download it at my friends website (or listen online) it will hopefuly really encourage you.
its a bit big to read, but its such a cool site
http://www.fakerepublic.com/fake/2005/11a_name_that_can.html#more
in the midst
In the midst of our courses,
He is here
In the midst of our stress,
He is surveying the ground in front of us,
In the midst of our lives,
He is the reason
In the midst of our failings,
He is the arms which we fall into
He is here
In the midst of our stress,
He is surveying the ground in front of us,
In the midst of our lives,
He is the reason
In the midst of our failings,
He is the arms which we fall into
Thursday, November 24
rant
What with thinking about Keats and sentimentalism, the Romantics versus Reality and the Enlightenment; Darwinism and the Gothic, Shelley and his strange views about Coleridge's poem Christabel strange lesbionic vampires too! my head is getting very full of nonsense (some of it is anyway!) I feel like it needs a really good spring-clean!!! I have four books to read before the end of term(and two of them are BIG!) and I have four private study projects to hand in too!
I have done a presentation and was 2% off of a first, which really quite bugs me! because I worked really hard on it, and did enjoy it too! (which is weird for me; enjoying a presentation!)
I've also been having coffee with my friend who is also doing English, and also with the student worker who helps out in CU and is connected with a local church the other day, about including the bible, and theologians in a piece of work that I have to do. and I thought that that would help me in focussing my energies and head onto something concrete, but in a way it has opened up more possibilities, and also it is only 1500 words, and that isnt much when you want to say what I want to say!(please pray about that!)
Being in the library, writing my blog when I need to do copious amounts of reading and writing and thinking and stressing etc.... all at once isn't too helpful either, but I really felt that I just needed a rant, and a rave, and to be honest, I haven't written in the blog for a while, and so I thought I would treat myself by doing so!!!
Its amazing to think actually how much I went out last year compared to this year, and how much more work they pile on, and how they chuck you in at the deep end in the second year (maybe its because I've done two first years that I'm not used to doing a second year or something!) but its difficult! But i've accepted the challenge, thrown down the gauntlet, and yes, I have been slightly more organised tahn I was this time last year, and I have been working harder (because this year counts) but I haven't been enjoying uni life as much as I did last year, maybe I've grown out of the Chester NEW EXPERIENCE phase, and this is the time where as the saying goes the rubber hits the road, or whatever(!)
Also, trying to 'juggle' that with CU responsibilities (small group leading) and helping out at my church with the youth group, and Craig!!! I don't get much time to blog... or maybe I'm beginning to think its my own time-management!
phew! sorry if this doesn't make much sense at all, I need to go now anyway!
I have done a presentation and was 2% off of a first, which really quite bugs me! because I worked really hard on it, and did enjoy it too! (which is weird for me; enjoying a presentation!)
I've also been having coffee with my friend who is also doing English, and also with the student worker who helps out in CU and is connected with a local church the other day, about including the bible, and theologians in a piece of work that I have to do. and I thought that that would help me in focussing my energies and head onto something concrete, but in a way it has opened up more possibilities, and also it is only 1500 words, and that isnt much when you want to say what I want to say!(please pray about that!)
Being in the library, writing my blog when I need to do copious amounts of reading and writing and thinking and stressing etc.... all at once isn't too helpful either, but I really felt that I just needed a rant, and a rave, and to be honest, I haven't written in the blog for a while, and so I thought I would treat myself by doing so!!!
Its amazing to think actually how much I went out last year compared to this year, and how much more work they pile on, and how they chuck you in at the deep end in the second year (maybe its because I've done two first years that I'm not used to doing a second year or something!) but its difficult! But i've accepted the challenge, thrown down the gauntlet, and yes, I have been slightly more organised tahn I was this time last year, and I have been working harder (because this year counts) but I haven't been enjoying uni life as much as I did last year, maybe I've grown out of the Chester NEW EXPERIENCE phase, and this is the time where as the saying goes the rubber hits the road, or whatever(!)
Also, trying to 'juggle' that with CU responsibilities (small group leading) and helping out at my church with the youth group, and Craig!!! I don't get much time to blog... or maybe I'm beginning to think its my own time-management!
phew! sorry if this doesn't make much sense at all, I need to go now anyway!
Wednesday, November 9
Dare come to Aylesbury?!
http://www.aylesburytoday.co.uk/ViewArticle2.aspx?SectionID=789&ArticleID=1247778
Columnist David Edwards wrote: 'There are certain places probably you don't want to visit. Kabul, Baghdad, Aylesbury.'
I was quite amazed at the Herald's front page this wednesday... apparently this guy, wrote in the Daily Telegraph this statement... and it made me think is this a true representation and view of Aylesbury, apparently the guy that wrote this had only ever driven through, so what are we supposed to do, how are we supposed to take this? I mean being compared to the places that he does compare us to is so presumptious, and if thats only because of a recent event, then thats silly. If you actually read the article from the link, we're starting a stupid campaign with, 'captain aylesbury' to the 'rescue'? I mean do we need to be saved from this rather than the actual comment?!
Columnist David Edwards wrote: 'There are certain places probably you don't want to visit. Kabul, Baghdad, Aylesbury.'
I was quite amazed at the Herald's front page this wednesday... apparently this guy, wrote in the Daily Telegraph this statement... and it made me think is this a true representation and view of Aylesbury, apparently the guy that wrote this had only ever driven through, so what are we supposed to do, how are we supposed to take this? I mean being compared to the places that he does compare us to is so presumptious, and if thats only because of a recent event, then thats silly. If you actually read the article from the link, we're starting a stupid campaign with, 'captain aylesbury' to the 'rescue'? I mean do we need to be saved from this rather than the actual comment?!
Sunday, November 6
Being Thankful
I don't know why, but when I start spouting about something, other things come into my mind. I've had so little time recently to be able to take stock of whats happening, and to enjoy the ride that I'm on, rather than just be aware of what work I need to get done and what I need to do, and who I need to see etc... I really have felt that I've been lacking in appreciation recently. And I just wanted to stop. To be able to give thanks. It says in Phil4 v6&7:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (NKJV)
I had just simply forgot to thank God for the things, maybe thats why I haven't been feeling close to God. We looked at Peace in small groups the other day and this verse was talked about, it is a command, not a request, Paul realises that we will all feel anxious at one time or another, and it is therefore 'when' not 'if' we do feel anxious. And the thing about supplicating God by prayer is interesting...in the NIV it says petition which, to me makes more sense, in that whenever we get worried about anything, we can hand it over to God, and the amount of times we worry about one thing, is the amount of times that we can pray about it aswell. I once heard that meditation is similar to worrying, its just that we don't focus upon the negatives (worrying) but chew over a thought from the bible (meditating). I've kind of way gone off the subject that I was going to write about, but hey ho!
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (NKJV)
I had just simply forgot to thank God for the things, maybe thats why I haven't been feeling close to God. We looked at Peace in small groups the other day and this verse was talked about, it is a command, not a request, Paul realises that we will all feel anxious at one time or another, and it is therefore 'when' not 'if' we do feel anxious. And the thing about supplicating God by prayer is interesting...in the NIV it says petition which, to me makes more sense, in that whenever we get worried about anything, we can hand it over to God, and the amount of times we worry about one thing, is the amount of times that we can pray about it aswell. I once heard that meditation is similar to worrying, its just that we don't focus upon the negatives (worrying) but chew over a thought from the bible (meditating). I've kind of way gone off the subject that I was going to write about, but hey ho!
GBenfold
Having our old pastor preach at LABC this morning was quite surreal. I mean I didnt think that it would affect me as much as it did, into thinking about the past. When he spoke, with his familiar tone and style, it transported me back to the earlier years of my life and the things that have happened in that church. The friends I had made, and kept, or lost contact with for various reasons. His voice made me feel really at home, more at home that i've felt in a while. I suppose because it started me thinking nostalgically. His voice also sounded like it had never left LABC. It was like that 8 years of my life hadn't even existed fully. It wasn't strange at all to see him in the pulpit. The songs we sang were surprisingly new(!) ~his 'legacy' was still intact with the older generation, and he can now never put a finger, or never say a word out of line. I found this to be quite disturbing, as in the end, he's only a man. And you know what...I don't even think he recognised me! I mean he didn't really say anything to me, but then again I was always quite scared of him for some reason when I was little, so all the times when people have said that they've had really good conversations with him etc... I had never experienced that before. I remember being too scared to even tell him that i'd become a christian.
His sermon was encouraging, and yet it was on one verse in particular (Romans 14v17) and he spoke a fair bit about C.S Lewis which I enjoyed, and then he spoke about how becoming a christian is a joyful thing, and that your whole life would be filled with 'surprising joy' and it made me think of the times where as a young christian I thought I had failed in some way because I wasn't joyful all the time, it was quite misleading I thought for him to say something like that...bt anyways I didnt go to London Theology College. Then he spoke about Grace which was good, but there was so much that he seemed to have left out, and he wasn't as good as I remembered him to be.
I think it was a wake up call, especially to me, if no-one else, that we can't worship this guy, for, in the end he's just a guy, a guy that's been appointed by God to preach, yes, but its strange the affect that he's had on me. I subconsciously compare every teaching that I hear, with what he would say, or think or how he would put things, and this is so wrong.
I remember when I was at Northampton uni, I couldn't find a church there because I wasn't willing to try a new style of church, but now, at Chester, because I have been in the same church for a year now, and its so different to LABC, that if anyone knew what kind of church it was, then I would be afraid if they came to it, because you'd almost feel that there would be judging glances, made towards the style of worship,- the drums for example, and the raising of hands (which is in the bible) and the talking in tongues etc... I just feel a bit indoctrinated into the 'church traditions' and growing up to be wary of the Holy Spirit and Charismatic churches,(that c;eary didnt preach what was from the bible) I just feel that my growth has been stunted from this exerience, and i'm not blaming it to be the key issue here at all, but a part of me wishes that i'd grown up in a more freer church.
His sermon was encouraging, and yet it was on one verse in particular (Romans 14v17) and he spoke a fair bit about C.S Lewis which I enjoyed, and then he spoke about how becoming a christian is a joyful thing, and that your whole life would be filled with 'surprising joy' and it made me think of the times where as a young christian I thought I had failed in some way because I wasn't joyful all the time, it was quite misleading I thought for him to say something like that...bt anyways I didnt go to London Theology College. Then he spoke about Grace which was good, but there was so much that he seemed to have left out, and he wasn't as good as I remembered him to be.
I think it was a wake up call, especially to me, if no-one else, that we can't worship this guy, for, in the end he's just a guy, a guy that's been appointed by God to preach, yes, but its strange the affect that he's had on me. I subconsciously compare every teaching that I hear, with what he would say, or think or how he would put things, and this is so wrong.
I remember when I was at Northampton uni, I couldn't find a church there because I wasn't willing to try a new style of church, but now, at Chester, because I have been in the same church for a year now, and its so different to LABC, that if anyone knew what kind of church it was, then I would be afraid if they came to it, because you'd almost feel that there would be judging glances, made towards the style of worship,- the drums for example, and the raising of hands (which is in the bible) and the talking in tongues etc... I just feel a bit indoctrinated into the 'church traditions' and growing up to be wary of the Holy Spirit and Charismatic churches,(that c;eary didnt preach what was from the bible) I just feel that my growth has been stunted from this exerience, and i'm not blaming it to be the key issue here at all, but a part of me wishes that i'd grown up in a more freer church.
Monday, October 24
Utopian- without God
Basically I have been so busy what with work, getting ito a new routine, and CU things, that I havent been able to blog as much as I would have liked to. It's been fairly stressful this year so far, with the knowledge that I want to do more work than what I did last year, but seemingly having less time to do it! And sometimes not feeling motivated to do it either! So I thought that I would come into the library and actually look like i'm doing some owrk (and I'm kind of fooling myself here at the moment too!)
The Module Brave New Worlds (Utopias and Dystopias) are really interesting, but also really challenging. I mean being a Christian in my lesson is sometimes really difficult, especially in this particular module, because the books that we read within the module are without God, and derriding religion, and derriding any form of religion, making their own religions up, and also getting the ideas of Christianity but using other things to fill the spaces! We were looking at Kumar's 4 ideals that makes literature a Utopia, these are
1)Desire
2)Harmony
3)Hope
4)Design
Man, when they said that in the lesson, I looked over to my friend who is also a Christian, and said to him, looks quite familiar don't you think! I mean it seems like he's taken Christian principles, and put them in a secular way.
The good thing that has come out of all of this is that I have a private study project that I can do, and I have chosen to do a reading diary (stating my thought on the seminars, and the reading that I've done) so, although I didn't say it in the actual seminar, I will be saying how like Chrsitianity it is, in my project! Its a bit scary though because it might be thought of as not being on the right track or being marked down because its a bit outrageous, but i'm gonna give it a go!
The Module Brave New Worlds (Utopias and Dystopias) are really interesting, but also really challenging. I mean being a Christian in my lesson is sometimes really difficult, especially in this particular module, because the books that we read within the module are without God, and derriding religion, and derriding any form of religion, making their own religions up, and also getting the ideas of Christianity but using other things to fill the spaces! We were looking at Kumar's 4 ideals that makes literature a Utopia, these are
1)Desire
2)Harmony
3)Hope
4)Design
Man, when they said that in the lesson, I looked over to my friend who is also a Christian, and said to him, looks quite familiar don't you think! I mean it seems like he's taken Christian principles, and put them in a secular way.
The good thing that has come out of all of this is that I have a private study project that I can do, and I have chosen to do a reading diary (stating my thought on the seminars, and the reading that I've done) so, although I didn't say it in the actual seminar, I will be saying how like Chrsitianity it is, in my project! Its a bit scary though because it might be thought of as not being on the right track or being marked down because its a bit outrageous, but i'm gonna give it a go!
Thursday, October 6
zizzi's
Sorry guys that I havent been blogging recently... I've just been majorly busy! (and still am!!!) God has totally answered our prayers about having more support from the Christians on campus (and the freshers) we had (last week) around 50 freshers coming into the CU which was amazing (it has doubled our size which will hopefuly be really good when we come to our mission week which is later on in the academic year) I just hope and pray that the people that we have coming along to CU in the first couple of weeks would stay and that we would really see God working through their lives and the lives of the people that are around them!
The committee have been saying about the vision that God has been giving them about Chester Uni, and it's so cool to see God working all over the place in universities and everywhere. I really think that one of the best places to being people to know Christ is at uni, I don't know why I get that feeling, but I'm constantly being drawn more into that, and I have a real heart for students and for them to know Jesus.
It's also been busy because of the job that I nearly got (well I did 12 hours work there but realised that it wasn't for me and that I couldn't keep a job up and uni work as well so I quit it!) That was a tough decision at the time because I knew that the place where I was going to work were short-staffed (majorly) and this was a great problem for them... but I physically realised that I couldn't do both uni and paid work, and that I will work in the holidays instead! I also came to the conclusion that uni is for working academically, and I will have the rest of my life to earn cash, but not another chance at uni! And also just this week I'm going to be involved in our student alpha group that will be meeting every week on thursdays (I will be helping to lead the discussions afterwards) so with that added responsibility, I just knew that I couldn't have held a job too- and with my work-load being increased dramatically (it seems!) this year, with more reading etc to be done, I need all the time I can get!
(oh yeah, the title was the name of the place where I was going to work!) - thought it was quite a cool name! :O)
The committee have been saying about the vision that God has been giving them about Chester Uni, and it's so cool to see God working all over the place in universities and everywhere. I really think that one of the best places to being people to know Christ is at uni, I don't know why I get that feeling, but I'm constantly being drawn more into that, and I have a real heart for students and for them to know Jesus.
It's also been busy because of the job that I nearly got (well I did 12 hours work there but realised that it wasn't for me and that I couldn't keep a job up and uni work as well so I quit it!) That was a tough decision at the time because I knew that the place where I was going to work were short-staffed (majorly) and this was a great problem for them... but I physically realised that I couldn't do both uni and paid work, and that I will work in the holidays instead! I also came to the conclusion that uni is for working academically, and I will have the rest of my life to earn cash, but not another chance at uni! And also just this week I'm going to be involved in our student alpha group that will be meeting every week on thursdays (I will be helping to lead the discussions afterwards) so with that added responsibility, I just knew that I couldn't have held a job too- and with my work-load being increased dramatically (it seems!) this year, with more reading etc to be done, I need all the time I can get!
(oh yeah, the title was the name of the place where I was going to work!) - thought it was quite a cool name! :O)
Friday, September 30
there's a mouse loose about my house!
Ah! I had a little visitor the other evening, scuffling round my room! scared was I! I havent yet seen it again, but I am thinking of getting a humane trap and setting it free on the allotments out of the back of our house!
Monday, September 5
happy birthday naive-freda!
Happy birthday! to naive-freda one today! Like ive blogged before such a lot has changed since I started writing this... and i'm glad of it. I don't know whether I would name it 'naive-freda' again or something different...I mean I guess I'm still quite naive in some things, and need to keep learning about myself and others, but don't we all to some extent or another need to keep changing and growing. I've learnt a lot about myself this past year, and hope to keep doing so. Some things I like, others I don't. Ive also had to take on new challenges, and these have helped me to see my charisma (which actually means gifts as well as an enigmatic personality, and magnetism!!!) (as I found out on sunday) that God has given me. I now know that I can actually lead a group of people (i'm still learning how to do that well, and to give my all to every meeting) which I never thought was possible until I prayed about my gifts and potential, and God used me to do something which I would never have chosen to do in a million years! I thank Him for the encouragement that he gave me via Craig and CU president to to help me in this. (I don't want to start sounding like a speech at the Oscars!)
I hope that this coming year what with blogging and various other things, that I will be able to grow more in my faith and walk closer to God, and listen to his voice and obey it.
I hope that this coming year what with blogging and various other things, that I will be able to grow more in my faith and walk closer to God, and listen to his voice and obey it.
Saturday, August 20
Soul Survivor...does exactly what it says on the tin
I've been away for so long that I thought I would grace(!) you with another blog! So much stuff has happened since I last wrote anything on here. (BTW I have no idea what the comment is about on my last blog and I hope that I could delete it!) anywhoo...
I just want to say that being at SS was AMAZING, I mean yeah maybe the teaching was not up to the likes of Pwllheli or other places I have been, but sometimes I need a kick-start with things of the heart rather than just intellectual stimulation (which is good also!)
Up til SS I felt so far away from God and that I was just never going to be able to go back to a close relationship with Him, but through his mercy and infinite grace and wisdom, he indeed brought me back to him, and brought me a lot closer, I think I can safely say, closer than I have ever been before (probably not 'safely say' because as soon as you admit to something like that its an invitation for the devil to get in and use it to his advantage) So much happened in my heart and in my head while I have been at Chester this past year, I was growing without really feeling close to God, and that helped me to be open to what God was going to eventually do in my life this week (sorry if this isnt making much sense, but i'm a bit tired and am swiftly going for a nap after!)
His timing, again is immense and spot on. I was ready for this, I was seeking God and I just felt for ages that I couldn't get through, then I realised that I actually built the barrier that divided us, and he was there all along, I just needed to take the barrier down and let him into all my life, not just selected parts of it. I've never felt like this before about Jesus and it's really like I have finally realised what it means to be a Christian. I'm a slow learner, but God has been patient, and I'm so thankful for that!
I just want to say that being at SS was AMAZING, I mean yeah maybe the teaching was not up to the likes of Pwllheli or other places I have been, but sometimes I need a kick-start with things of the heart rather than just intellectual stimulation (which is good also!)
Up til SS I felt so far away from God and that I was just never going to be able to go back to a close relationship with Him, but through his mercy and infinite grace and wisdom, he indeed brought me back to him, and brought me a lot closer, I think I can safely say, closer than I have ever been before (probably not 'safely say' because as soon as you admit to something like that its an invitation for the devil to get in and use it to his advantage) So much happened in my heart and in my head while I have been at Chester this past year, I was growing without really feeling close to God, and that helped me to be open to what God was going to eventually do in my life this week (sorry if this isnt making much sense, but i'm a bit tired and am swiftly going for a nap after!)
His timing, again is immense and spot on. I was ready for this, I was seeking God and I just felt for ages that I couldn't get through, then I realised that I actually built the barrier that divided us, and he was there all along, I just needed to take the barrier down and let him into all my life, not just selected parts of it. I've never felt like this before about Jesus and it's really like I have finally realised what it means to be a Christian. I'm a slow learner, but God has been patient, and I'm so thankful for that!
Thursday, July 28
infuriating!!!
I cannot believe some people's lack of kindness towards others. I mean take today for example, its onlya small example, and maybe because I was slightly more tired, it got to me more, and made me blog about it! This lady in the train station trying to sell Craig a ticket back... sold him one that was really over-priced. I had checked it on the net the day before, and had found out to be a LOT cheaper than the price she first quoted us, then I remembered that the deal was called SUPER-SAVER rather than just SAVER and that knocked off another £13! I was so shocked that one small change to the name of something would cause so much money to come off the original price. It was stupid. Then she wouldn't even let me say goodbye to him on the platform... because I didn't have a ticket myself, I couldn't go blah blah blah! and to top it off, she gave the WRONG timetable print-out to Craig, he knew better though! I really think that the people in that train station really have problems with communication, and being nice in general, and manners! She was quite rude, and it just made my day turn a bit sour. I'm travelling on the train tomorrow, and I hope that I don't get the same treatment!
Tuesday, July 12
Results Day
After my first year of Academia (with a nigh on two year gap of not writing an English essay!) I get my marks back today and if ive calculated properly (I should know how to average by now, even when I never got my GCSE maths!) I got a 2:1, chuffed I am, but it doesn't go towards my overall degree mark, so next year, got to work as hard/ or even harder to maintain/ improve this mark. But I am well chuffed about it :) You might ask well, how am I celebrating tonight, well pizza sounds good ;) :)
Thursday, July 7
a shattered happiness
Alongside good and fair justice talks, there always lurks evil... especially when all the world leaders are gathered together under the same roof. What better time to do something which will shake the world in an evil way. I hate watching the news ordinarily, and yesterday watching the 2012 vote take place for the olympics, and seeing champagne freely flowing, I enjoyed the good news that was being displayed all around the country. At the end of the day people were feeling happy and satisfied, and I even said that 2005 was such a good year so far... and not to be over melodramatic, how very wrong we were.
Safety and satisfaction breeds a sense of false security and maybe naivety as to what may happen in the near future.
Fair play to the services who have been working to well organised action plans as to the terrorist attack today. It was merely a matter of time before London was targeted, and they were seemingly 'ready' for it.
But what a time to be deflated, after a major high, the whole of GB comes tumbling down to the reality of a terrorist attack. I mean GB has had nothing of late to be happy about, and so us being the host for the 2012 olympics was something so good, but the celebration has been so short-lived because of the destruction and devastation in London.
I believe that we really do deserve a break...just a little snippet of time to be happy and satisfied, and to have peace... but then if we had that maybe we would become an increasingly easy target for others to destroy it. I suppose we should always be on the look-out and be ready for events such as these, and more to happen.
Safety and satisfaction breeds a sense of false security and maybe naivety as to what may happen in the near future.
Fair play to the services who have been working to well organised action plans as to the terrorist attack today. It was merely a matter of time before London was targeted, and they were seemingly 'ready' for it.
But what a time to be deflated, after a major high, the whole of GB comes tumbling down to the reality of a terrorist attack. I mean GB has had nothing of late to be happy about, and so us being the host for the 2012 olympics was something so good, but the celebration has been so short-lived because of the destruction and devastation in London.
I believe that we really do deserve a break...just a little snippet of time to be happy and satisfied, and to have peace... but then if we had that maybe we would become an increasingly easy target for others to destroy it. I suppose we should always be on the look-out and be ready for events such as these, and more to happen.
Sunday, June 26
Back to normality
I feel so much more relaxed being back at home, I definitely needed to get away from Chester (although I love living in Chester too). Hopefuly, well plan is that I will get my old HCA job back (but do bank work instead of full time) so it will be much more flexible for me to go on holidays and things :)
Thursday, June 16
wrong course?!?!
I just couldn't believe my eyes this afternoon. I was praying so hard for a 'pass' for my history module, I had NO IDEA what mark I would get, and was just hoping that it would even out to a pass rather than a dreaded fail... So I grit my teeth, and go into the departmental office, after some slight confusion as to which module I wanted the results from, and of the receptionist being totally confused, and telling me that I would have had to have taken an exam as well, and she was shocked that I hadn't taken one, I finally glanced over at my result...
and guess what...
a blimmin' 72% !
This was for someone who had NEVER written a history essay in her life before, and gave up in year 9 (when the first opportunity arose!) I was happy, yeah, but it was mixed with some feelings of annoyance, why oh why haven't I got a first in my primary subject, which I love?!? Maybe I tried harder for this essay cos I knew that I couldn't do it, so I put more effort in...but its just shockingly annoying!
and guess what...
a blimmin' 72% !
This was for someone who had NEVER written a history essay in her life before, and gave up in year 9 (when the first opportunity arose!) I was happy, yeah, but it was mixed with some feelings of annoyance, why oh why haven't I got a first in my primary subject, which I love?!? Maybe I tried harder for this essay cos I knew that I couldn't do it, so I put more effort in...but its just shockingly annoying!
Sunday, June 12
a day in the life of...me... in... Abersoch
What a fab idea, some of the CU going to chill out in Abersoch (just next to Pwllheli) after exam stress and madness! Bound to be good sun, seaside and surf (not to mention actualshowers too!) WELL, off we start, and it all goes well until I mess up the map instructions and take a very short detour (although very scenic!) Getting to the campsite (which was surrounded by gorgeous mountain ranges!) V. beautiful :) and stick in a few chickens, and lambs (they were so cute!) but some of the chickens were roosters, which tended to crow at the crack of dawn (not so pretty!) We set up our tents, and then basically either 'slept' (really talked) or went down to visit the beach (10 min walk!)
Next morning, all up and ready by 10! we get to the beach by 10.30, GORGEOUS day, full of sun, so we put LOTS of sunscreen on, at regular intervals. In and out of the sea we were! Having a fab time, I fell asleep... oh yes! Wrong move! 1/2 an hour of pure sleepful bliss, turns into a murderous case of sunburn (on the back of my knees~probably one of the most sensitive parts to get burnt) and im talking burnt, noit just red, red raw, and puffy (they became odematus!) I was like what on earth is going on? I put suncream on... oh yes I did, but the sun is still evil! They are still really painful, and it takes me a while to sit down and stand up, they kill when I walk, and they get stiff if I am say sitting in a car for any length of time, so when I got back (although smothering them at regular intervals with anyone and everyone's after sun) I had a cold bath and yet more after sun, and yet they still kill :( bad, bad sun; silly silly maddy! Photos to come later!
Next morning, all up and ready by 10! we get to the beach by 10.30, GORGEOUS day, full of sun, so we put LOTS of sunscreen on, at regular intervals. In and out of the sea we were! Having a fab time, I fell asleep... oh yes! Wrong move! 1/2 an hour of pure sleepful bliss, turns into a murderous case of sunburn (on the back of my knees~probably one of the most sensitive parts to get burnt) and im talking burnt, noit just red, red raw, and puffy (they became odematus!) I was like what on earth is going on? I put suncream on... oh yes I did, but the sun is still evil! They are still really painful, and it takes me a while to sit down and stand up, they kill when I walk, and they get stiff if I am say sitting in a car for any length of time, so when I got back (although smothering them at regular intervals with anyone and everyone's after sun) I had a cold bath and yet more after sun, and yet they still kill :( bad, bad sun; silly silly maddy! Photos to come later!
Thursday, June 9
tiara's and halo's
Well, coming to the end of my first year at Chester, (and what a year its been!) its been challenging, immense fun, hard work, forging new friendships, learning about authors, poets and different styles of writing, learning about myself, learning about God, leading for the first time, not having a job or money! and many more things. But it all really started off with a party, a 21st, and ended (well kinda symboilc end rather than an actual end) with a hen party! Hence the title of my blog!
I just really hope that I pass this time! I mean there's no real reason for me not to, I did minimum work, and it wasn't great, but I'm pretty sure it will be a pass (over 40%) I just really can't wait to get into a house now, people are really starting to bug me, banging on my door last night at like 12.30 ish, its like, I have an exam, go away!
Can't wait until next year's modules and things to start, especially the brave new worlds one, where we have to read sci fi books (I love them!) I'm not sad! ;)
I just really hope that I pass this time! I mean there's no real reason for me not to, I did minimum work, and it wasn't great, but I'm pretty sure it will be a pass (over 40%) I just really can't wait to get into a house now, people are really starting to bug me, banging on my door last night at like 12.30 ish, its like, I have an exam, go away!
Can't wait until next year's modules and things to start, especially the brave new worlds one, where we have to read sci fi books (I love them!) I'm not sad! ;)
Friday, June 3
fab news!
I just wanted to share with you all, that my friend has become a Christian, she was actually an athesit, and I'm still surprised that she says and believes what she does now. It makes me want to see more things happen, things that I can see God's hand in, and direction, but I want to see more. I need to see more people coming to know this amazing love. The amount that my friend has changed, astounds me, her face literally lit up today, I have never seen her so happy, and so fulfilled. It reminded me of what I have got as a Christian, taking it for granted, when we really shouldn't. Its really fired me up again to read the bible, and pray and thank God for all he's done and changed in my life. She's said that becoming a christian is like she's hit a brick wall, with her former life behind her, and her past sins, and her new life ahead of her, with God, and the wall needs to be taken down brick by brick to get to where she wants to be. How amazing is that analogy? I was really touched by what she was saying to me today, and I saw such a change and difference in her, I mean she is such an intelligent person, and she is just so excited about it all. I'm excited to be with her at this stage of her christian life. She's annoyed that she's wasted 19 nearly 20 years of her life not thinking about God at all, she was so chuffed that she could pray for the first time, since she was 9 she said. She knows there's more out there, and she's not scared about admitting it to others. her mum was not supportive, and her best friend at home doesn't understand, but they're happy that she's happy. I am so excited that I can show her really cool passages that she's never read before, and I can't wait to show her them. She's such a lovely person, and I thank God for finding her. She said to me, I havent gone looking for God, God came and found me, how amazing is that? I love it so much. Let it be an encouragement to you all, God is working all the time even when we think it's not going to happen, or 'work' you never know what people remember, and think about. Keep telling people guys (I'm saying this to myself as well!)
Monday, May 30
When I survey...
You know when you just hear songs over and over again, and although they have fabulous words, you just lose the meaning of it because you like the song, or the tune, and you miss the words and their meanings... I love this song already, it has a close place in my heart, and I just love it, but then you get guys like Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman coming together and doing this already fabulous song, then placing a refrain in the middle of it, it just brings new life to the song, its amazing-ness is re hi-lighted (I know thats really bad of me, as an English student to say those kind of non existent words, but hey!~nevermind!)
How fab are these words:
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
~so challenging.
How fab are these words:
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name
Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all
~so challenging.
re-surfacing
Longing to re-surface now, air becoming thin and difficult in my lungs. I realise I'm further up than I thought ~ I can see the irridescent light transforming the ripples into silk worms. I can sense the bubbles all around me as they attempt to reach the surface too. I notice, I am thinking more than I ought. I mean I wanted to be here; at this point, so that I could theorise independently again, but now I'm here, other things are coming up too. Things I haven't dealt with, supressed feelings and thoughts. Not-said words and goodbyes. Not dealt with anger and hurt, not been able to think about it~ but been able to feel it~ all too well.
Mind and body out of sync. If they had been, Iwouldn't have been able to move on in the emotional sense.
Now my brain is just catching up~ I'm re-surfacing. Do I need answers? Do I need any closure? Do I need honesty? Do I need recognition? What will I become if I re-surface? Me? Someone else? More than I am at the moment? Happier? Sadder? Winner? Failure?
My underwater life was quiet and beautiful, do I have to come up to reality? Will time go any slower up on the surface or quicker than it is now?
He left unclaimed baggage, depression un-dealt with.
I want to be able to think clearly again~ my fault this year is that my brain has been repressing thoughts and this has overlapped into my academia. I know this for it frustrates me. I wake every morning longing to know, to sense a difference; have I been able to think more clearly today??
Mind and body out of sync. If they had been, Iwouldn't have been able to move on in the emotional sense.
Now my brain is just catching up~ I'm re-surfacing. Do I need answers? Do I need any closure? Do I need honesty? Do I need recognition? What will I become if I re-surface? Me? Someone else? More than I am at the moment? Happier? Sadder? Winner? Failure?
My underwater life was quiet and beautiful, do I have to come up to reality? Will time go any slower up on the surface or quicker than it is now?
He left unclaimed baggage, depression un-dealt with.
I want to be able to think clearly again~ my fault this year is that my brain has been repressing thoughts and this has overlapped into my academia. I know this for it frustrates me. I wake every morning longing to know, to sense a difference; have I been able to think more clearly today??
Saturday, May 28
oh the joys!
I so can't wait to get a house next year...no more trudging to the laundrette on campus (which takes a good 10 mins each way-and possibly longer when loaded down with clothes!) and not having your food stolen from the kitchen~ a personal pet peeve of sharing halls with 34 other students! Not having to put up with music blaring (at times) when you would rather just wish they would show a little more respect at 2 in the morning for you, and the ear piercing laughter that comes from one of my neighbours, and the incessant karioke to tunes like busted! from my next door neighbour...(who is slightly out of tune anyway!) not that I would tell her that. I mean, at times it is reasonably funny, but she really doesn't care who hears...maintenance people came round once and she was singing away!
The only problem with next years house is that of food shopping... more food shopping, but less shopping areas. At the moment we are so close to Morrison's, but next year it will be really difficult to find somewhere as close, actually its impossible to find somewhere as close, but I suppose we can do the shopping in trips! :S yeah sounds fab, or be-friend someone with a car :) I think that plan will have more weighting, and results ;)
The only problem with next years house is that of food shopping... more food shopping, but less shopping areas. At the moment we are so close to Morrison's, but next year it will be really difficult to find somewhere as close, actually its impossible to find somewhere as close, but I suppose we can do the shopping in trips! :S yeah sounds fab, or be-friend someone with a car :) I think that plan will have more weighting, and results ;)
Thursday, May 26
how not to do an essay!
Oh my goodness! I have just spent from quarter to 7 in the morning till about 9.30 writing up my 1,500 word essay on pride and prejudice (a subject i'm not overly ennammered-sp?) by! but i managed it, much to the surprise of people around me, now i'm very tired and am going to go to sleep after a nice lunch :) whoo! oh yeah! thats what we're talking about!
Monday, May 23
funny
How come that when I try to write an essay if I go to the computer, I go blank, but when I want to write down my feelings, I can spout for England?!? I don't understand, maybe its got something to do with pressure, the pressure I put on myself.
I think I got my first first today (albeit a group presentation for HISTORY- yes, my history elective module, that I only have to pass, I get my highest mark... ironical you might say!) In the back of my mind, I knew it would happen, I knew it.
I think I got my first first today (albeit a group presentation for HISTORY- yes, my history elective module, that I only have to pass, I get my highest mark... ironical you might say!) In the back of my mind, I knew it would happen, I knew it.
Thursday, May 19
random-ness
just checking my emails, as I usually do tonight, and guess who appears? yeah, Matt, he's got a new email add, and somehow (I don't know if he chose to email it to me or not) it got sent to me too, and it says ' at his request' I was like huh? what? It just makes me really want to email him just to see how he's doing/ what he's doing and how he's getting on etc... I think I would be ready for it, if he did email me back, but would I really? I mean can I afford to take the risk and do it? I know this is a bit too honest to be writing about on a blog, but I can't help it. It needs to be said (well, I feel that I need to say it) I mean doesn't that mean that he had to have thought about it, about me. And then from what his mum said to me in January (over quite a rude text message) she didnt appreciate all that my family had done for him, and so I kind of thought, well maybe he was talking to his mum and manipulating her thoughts. I mean at the moment I am in the best frame of mind that I have been in like ever! So what is there to stop me talking to him via email? I mean I dont know whether it would be a good idea at all, because ive felt reasonably secure in the fact that he doesnt know where I am or what im doing, I loved that fact, but now I really want to see how he's doing, but then maybe I can find out from someone else, maybe I dont really want to know. Rubbish!
I tried to email Pat and Nigel one day to ask about him (way back in October time) and they never emailed me back at all, so I dont know how I would have taken it. Do you know, it hasnt even been a year since he left yet?
I mean im not going to do anything stupid...
I tried to email Pat and Nigel one day to ask about him (way back in October time) and they never emailed me back at all, so I dont know how I would have taken it. Do you know, it hasnt even been a year since he left yet?
I mean im not going to do anything stupid...
Sunday, May 15
our God is a great BIG God
WOW! after one fantastic days out yesterday spent in Alton Towers (and yes, I did try some of the rollercoasters!~which I still dont like that much. Liked Air though! was fab!) Anyways, Craig had organised some of the CU to go, and listen to an ultimate event concert, which had the Newsboys playing in it, and they showed it on the God channel too, it was such a cool evening, we were just part of the 7,000 that were just worhsipping, amazing experience. Fantastic. God is so good.
After getting adrenaline rushes from going on Air, and Oblivion and things like that, to getting true fulfilment and total satisfaction in God, was just like, what on earth are we doing, spending so much time on other things, rather than on God?!?! It just showed the futility of what the earth has to offer really. It was so cool to have that comparrison.
The Newsboys were just so cool, their music is totally fab and so catchy, and their lyrics are so good...at one point the lead singer was just helping us to remember that God is with us always, and he tells us not to fear. He then quoted from the scriptures, and it was just so encouraging.
I have really felt challenged in my relationship with God at the moment, just to step out of my comfort zone (cliche) and the things that I have been taught, and just to find out what I really believe to be true and right for myself. We are called to be witnesses, not advertisements for God, which; unpacked, means that we are not all the same, witnesses are all different, if we went into a court case we would get slightly different aspects of the same event. So, I am learning how to be my own person, in Christ. If that makes sense. I mean, I am looking into the bible and seeing what it means for me. I'm not starting up my own thing, i'm just thinking about possibilities as to what is the truth, and how we can get closer to God, and glorify him in all that we do, and we're all different. Hope that's understandable.
I'm learning so much about God, and about myself at the moment.
This morning in Church we were challenged to be excited about what God has got in store for us each day, because he is excited about it too, he created us to enjoy him, and he planned all our days before the foundations of the earth were laid. Jeremiah 29:11 is so cool, i I know what i'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.' (Message) - dont worry im not using the message(!) its just that sometimes I think we should be stepping out of what we're comfortable with and this instance I think that its good to see what other versions of the bible can be helpful in this.
And because God is so much bigger, we can expect BIG things from him, and do BIG things for him. Be challenged, be changed, and think of God as much bigger. He created us...what more do we need to know or think about how big our great God is...he created the universe. We should bow down and fall at his gracious and merciful face.
After getting adrenaline rushes from going on Air, and Oblivion and things like that, to getting true fulfilment and total satisfaction in God, was just like, what on earth are we doing, spending so much time on other things, rather than on God?!?! It just showed the futility of what the earth has to offer really. It was so cool to have that comparrison.
The Newsboys were just so cool, their music is totally fab and so catchy, and their lyrics are so good...at one point the lead singer was just helping us to remember that God is with us always, and he tells us not to fear. He then quoted from the scriptures, and it was just so encouraging.
I have really felt challenged in my relationship with God at the moment, just to step out of my comfort zone (cliche) and the things that I have been taught, and just to find out what I really believe to be true and right for myself. We are called to be witnesses, not advertisements for God, which; unpacked, means that we are not all the same, witnesses are all different, if we went into a court case we would get slightly different aspects of the same event. So, I am learning how to be my own person, in Christ. If that makes sense. I mean, I am looking into the bible and seeing what it means for me. I'm not starting up my own thing, i'm just thinking about possibilities as to what is the truth, and how we can get closer to God, and glorify him in all that we do, and we're all different. Hope that's understandable.
I'm learning so much about God, and about myself at the moment.
This morning in Church we were challenged to be excited about what God has got in store for us each day, because he is excited about it too, he created us to enjoy him, and he planned all our days before the foundations of the earth were laid. Jeremiah 29:11 is so cool, i I know what i'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.' (Message) - dont worry im not using the message(!) its just that sometimes I think we should be stepping out of what we're comfortable with and this instance I think that its good to see what other versions of the bible can be helpful in this.
And because God is so much bigger, we can expect BIG things from him, and do BIG things for him. Be challenged, be changed, and think of God as much bigger. He created us...what more do we need to know or think about how big our great God is...he created the universe. We should bow down and fall at his gracious and merciful face.
Tuesday, May 3
Tuesday, April 19
thinking about thinking!
I had a real 'student' afternoon today, with my good friend Sarah. We went out for a coffee at Starbucks, at 4, and we talked about lots of things, I lost track of time totally, looked at my phone to what I thought was about 20 minutes later...it was 6.30! I had missed tea! I was just so shocked that I just had no clue of the time...it was so cool chatting with her. Just working out a lot of things in my head.
Sarah thinks so differently to me... she is in constant deep thought, and this can really make her tired, and she doesnt get much sleep at times because it keeps her awake. I thought back to when I was smaller, and I remembered that I used to do the same thing. I used to be awake til the early hours of the mornings, just thinking; chaining things together. Then I realised that it made me stressed and upset to think so much, and it made me tired too, so I trained myself not to think as much, cos it meant that I could get sleep,, and be less stressed. I realise that I have just gone to the other extreme, and am seemingly so 'unthinking' that I seem to be apathetic towards people's problems. I trivialise things, and seem to know what my own opinion is on different subjects, but really I don't think as much as I should.
I am going to train myself to think more. It might take a while, but hopefuly I will be able to consider more things.
I think its helpful to think about things. I think God wants us to be thought-filled. Maybe this is something I'm being taught.
Sarah thinks so differently to me... she is in constant deep thought, and this can really make her tired, and she doesnt get much sleep at times because it keeps her awake. I thought back to when I was smaller, and I remembered that I used to do the same thing. I used to be awake til the early hours of the mornings, just thinking; chaining things together. Then I realised that it made me stressed and upset to think so much, and it made me tired too, so I trained myself not to think as much, cos it meant that I could get sleep,, and be less stressed. I realise that I have just gone to the other extreme, and am seemingly so 'unthinking' that I seem to be apathetic towards people's problems. I trivialise things, and seem to know what my own opinion is on different subjects, but really I don't think as much as I should.
I am going to train myself to think more. It might take a while, but hopefuly I will be able to consider more things.
I think its helpful to think about things. I think God wants us to be thought-filled. Maybe this is something I'm being taught.
Monday, April 18
university 'life'
You might think that I am going to blog about the social aspect of uni life, but I'm not.
I suppose that I'm a bit surprised that its taken this long to 'get back into the swing of things' i.e. thinking again, and formulating my own ideas, kind of like independent thinking really... it's taken such a long time because of being out of academia for such a long time, I understand that...but I thought that it would be quicker than this really. It is a good thing; I know that. I've just been doing a lot of work recently, well a presentation and an essay within a week, and now i've stopped I wanted to write some more really!-weird I hear you say...!
Recently things have been slightly haunting me... I suppose its just taken a while to take stock of where I am now as to where I was last year... and I know you're probably thinking Oh no, she's harking back to that again.. but it takes a while to get over something like that and its weird sometimes being with people who know you..well.. who know the 'university' you. Its strange, i feel like I have about three different identities, a uni Maddy, home Madeline and Mads, I mean they are all me, all different aspects of me, but which one is the real me? Maybe its cos im listening to music which reminds me so much of the crap of last year that makes me talk about things, maybe I feel like I can't talk so freely to people about last year. I don't know. I suppose you can't be 'up' all the time. Feelings take over and are imposed from past memories etc... I just really want to know how he's getting on sometimes. I feel like i've given him a hard time by the way that i've talked about him to other people, I want to know how his mum and sister are too. I want to know whether he's going to uni this year or getting a job, whether he's at home again with his mum or somewhere else altogether. Maybe somethings happened that I will just not know. I was talking to Rebecca when I went back home at Easter about Matt and she noticed that I just had bad things to say about him, but he wasn't al bad. I've just painted that picture because it was easier to deal with. i mean I can go without wanting to find out about him etc.. I'm sure that this feeling will soon pass, but at the moment its consuming me a little bit. I just want to be able to remember some good times that we had, some fun times. He taught me a lot. He gave me my self esteem and really encouraged me to look at the bible and pray too. It was so cool to have someone that I was so accountable to.
I suppose now that i'm a small group leader i'm expected to be ok and not need much help. I know that I have people that I can talk to, maybe thats what needs to be done. I don't know whats wrong.
My old wound is hurting I guess at the moment. Should die down soon.
I'll be ok folks!
I suppose that I'm a bit surprised that its taken this long to 'get back into the swing of things' i.e. thinking again, and formulating my own ideas, kind of like independent thinking really... it's taken such a long time because of being out of academia for such a long time, I understand that...but I thought that it would be quicker than this really. It is a good thing; I know that. I've just been doing a lot of work recently, well a presentation and an essay within a week, and now i've stopped I wanted to write some more really!-weird I hear you say...!
Recently things have been slightly haunting me... I suppose its just taken a while to take stock of where I am now as to where I was last year... and I know you're probably thinking Oh no, she's harking back to that again.. but it takes a while to get over something like that and its weird sometimes being with people who know you..well.. who know the 'university' you. Its strange, i feel like I have about three different identities, a uni Maddy, home Madeline and Mads, I mean they are all me, all different aspects of me, but which one is the real me? Maybe its cos im listening to music which reminds me so much of the crap of last year that makes me talk about things, maybe I feel like I can't talk so freely to people about last year. I don't know. I suppose you can't be 'up' all the time. Feelings take over and are imposed from past memories etc... I just really want to know how he's getting on sometimes. I feel like i've given him a hard time by the way that i've talked about him to other people, I want to know how his mum and sister are too. I want to know whether he's going to uni this year or getting a job, whether he's at home again with his mum or somewhere else altogether. Maybe somethings happened that I will just not know. I was talking to Rebecca when I went back home at Easter about Matt and she noticed that I just had bad things to say about him, but he wasn't al bad. I've just painted that picture because it was easier to deal with. i mean I can go without wanting to find out about him etc.. I'm sure that this feeling will soon pass, but at the moment its consuming me a little bit. I just want to be able to remember some good times that we had, some fun times. He taught me a lot. He gave me my self esteem and really encouraged me to look at the bible and pray too. It was so cool to have someone that I was so accountable to.
I suppose now that i'm a small group leader i'm expected to be ok and not need much help. I know that I have people that I can talk to, maybe thats what needs to be done. I don't know whats wrong.
My old wound is hurting I guess at the moment. Should die down soon.
I'll be ok folks!
Friday, April 8
strange coincidences (?)
I had a really refreshing, yet tiresome week this week, spent in Pwllheli. I was reminded of some of the basic things that I needed to get back into the habit of doing (or cultivate a habit in the first place to do!-you know how it can be!) I re-visited some older friendships, and learnt a bit about how God allows things to coincide with each other. A lot had happened since I last talked with one friend, and it was good to be able to reassure each other, from our experiences from the past year. I felt free to open up to her, and it was really nice that she felt able to do the same. We both had tough years last year, but seem to be getting back on track this year, which we both could glorify God in. It was amazing to be able to share that with someone, and see God working in both of our lives, and still maintaining our relationship with Him. I was so encouraged to have been able to share these deep things, and I really value her friendship. We ended up having a real sense of how God takes everything, good and bad and translates it into his will and its also really good that we can glorify Him, by making much of what he has done for us through the bad times, and hopefuly learn to rejoice in the good times too.
I love the fact that the more time goes on, I can begin to understand some small ways of how God was using last years experiences to shape things that are happening in my life now. Thinking about things, I really dont think I would have given up my job as a HCA to go to uni if things with Matt hadnt come to head last year, and then I wouldnt have been in the circumstance and situation that I am in now :) Which I really value. I love Chester still,and love the friendships i've made there.
So, going back to the title... strange...or mysterious, all I know is that it is God, and He is so good. We just have to see the blessings within our lives, giving the glory back to him.
I love the fact that the more time goes on, I can begin to understand some small ways of how God was using last years experiences to shape things that are happening in my life now. Thinking about things, I really dont think I would have given up my job as a HCA to go to uni if things with Matt hadnt come to head last year, and then I wouldnt have been in the circumstance and situation that I am in now :) Which I really value. I love Chester still,and love the friendships i've made there.
So, going back to the title... strange...or mysterious, all I know is that it is God, and He is so good. We just have to see the blessings within our lives, giving the glory back to him.
Tuesday, March 22
Heaven
Heaven (Hillsongs united live)
I need Your Love
Like the desert needs the rain
I need Your touch
Like the fire needs the flame
One moment without You near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with You O Lord
Is Heaven I long to Know
Heaven
Come cover me
Like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning steals
The night
This has got to be my favourite song ever I think. Its got such simple words, but they have a real impact upon me.
I've found something really special at uni, God has been listening to my prayers and longings and he has given me what I've been wanting. I didn't expect to find it at uni, but there you go, I suppose you find it when you're not looking particularly. I've learnt so much, how it is so much easier than I realised. God doesn't make it difficult when we are able to lay everything in His hands, and trust that he has got the best for us. I mean, that in one sense was difficult but I have finally learned how to sacrifice my dreams~ only to be handed them! I am so thankful, and full of praise. You might know (or guess!) what I'm on about, I don't want to be explicit, but I felt like I had to blog about it and if you don't then I will tell you, but not on this!- sorry!!! :)
Suffice to say I am very happy!
I need Your Love
Like the desert needs the rain
I need Your touch
Like the fire needs the flame
One moment without You near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with You O Lord
Is Heaven I long to Know
Heaven
Come cover me
Like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning steals
The night
This has got to be my favourite song ever I think. Its got such simple words, but they have a real impact upon me.
I've found something really special at uni, God has been listening to my prayers and longings and he has given me what I've been wanting. I didn't expect to find it at uni, but there you go, I suppose you find it when you're not looking particularly. I've learnt so much, how it is so much easier than I realised. God doesn't make it difficult when we are able to lay everything in His hands, and trust that he has got the best for us. I mean, that in one sense was difficult but I have finally learned how to sacrifice my dreams~ only to be handed them! I am so thankful, and full of praise. You might know (or guess!) what I'm on about, I don't want to be explicit, but I felt like I had to blog about it and if you don't then I will tell you, but not on this!- sorry!!! :)
Suffice to say I am very happy!
Tuesday, March 15
Ready to go now
Although I love Chester, and could see myself living here after finishing my course, I really just want to go home now. Just to have a few creature comforts such as my own, big room, and my own bed and my own things all around me with my family. I don't get homesick really, never have felt it, but now I just want to go home. Good job that its coming up to the easter break really! I dont know what I will be doing for three weeks, but I'm sure I will be able to find things to do.
This term has been interesting. I have forged closer friendships with some people, and yet others seem to be getting further away. I should really have spent more time with these friendships, but there's going to be two more years of being able to do that.
I have chosen my modules for next year now, and I will be looking at Utopia's and Dystopia's in Brave New Worlds- which is kind of looking at science fiction novels, like 1984 and things like that. I will also be studying comparative literature which looks at translations of famous literature from different countries, this should widen my horizons a bit, as we only study English authors and poets etc... at the moment. I will also be studying the Gothic which is literature like Frankenstein and Dr. Faustus. Finally I will be looking at Tragedy. I am really looking forward to doing Brave New Worlds module, as I find that really interesting. The good thing about doing single English is that we get the priviledge of choosing 3 elective modules, whereas combined honours students only get 1 choice.
I always seem to get a bit philosophical at the end of the term, considering how things have changed, what has happened how I might have changed. I mean my work load has been increased, and my spare time (or lack of) has been more valuably used. (I hope!) Although it has been a short term - I only feel like i've just got back from Christmas really. I can't believe how quickly its gone. The summer term should last a bit longer, as there are more weeks there. I am so looking forward to the summer when I can read outside, and do my quietimes outside too- we have a kind of balcony that joins the two sides of the house on both floors- I'm looking forward to the time where I will be able to read there. :) Hopefuly it wont be too cold! I always said that Chester is warmer than Aylesbury and someone confirmed why it was the other week, apparently its because the Welsh Mountains shield us from the bad weather, or something like that (Daniel- you can help me out on this one!) They act as a kind of insulator. Whereas comparatively flat Aylesbury gets blown around like a hat on a breezy day (what a rubbish analogy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Anyways, should try and get some sleep, I am finding that the less sleep I have, the less I seem to need. This is not good, and I am finding that I am beginning to become a bit of an insomniac... prayer would be most grateful about this!
This term has been interesting. I have forged closer friendships with some people, and yet others seem to be getting further away. I should really have spent more time with these friendships, but there's going to be two more years of being able to do that.
I have chosen my modules for next year now, and I will be looking at Utopia's and Dystopia's in Brave New Worlds- which is kind of looking at science fiction novels, like 1984 and things like that. I will also be studying comparative literature which looks at translations of famous literature from different countries, this should widen my horizons a bit, as we only study English authors and poets etc... at the moment. I will also be studying the Gothic which is literature like Frankenstein and Dr. Faustus. Finally I will be looking at Tragedy. I am really looking forward to doing Brave New Worlds module, as I find that really interesting. The good thing about doing single English is that we get the priviledge of choosing 3 elective modules, whereas combined honours students only get 1 choice.
I always seem to get a bit philosophical at the end of the term, considering how things have changed, what has happened how I might have changed. I mean my work load has been increased, and my spare time (or lack of) has been more valuably used. (I hope!) Although it has been a short term - I only feel like i've just got back from Christmas really. I can't believe how quickly its gone. The summer term should last a bit longer, as there are more weeks there. I am so looking forward to the summer when I can read outside, and do my quietimes outside too- we have a kind of balcony that joins the two sides of the house on both floors- I'm looking forward to the time where I will be able to read there. :) Hopefuly it wont be too cold! I always said that Chester is warmer than Aylesbury and someone confirmed why it was the other week, apparently its because the Welsh Mountains shield us from the bad weather, or something like that (Daniel- you can help me out on this one!) They act as a kind of insulator. Whereas comparatively flat Aylesbury gets blown around like a hat on a breezy day (what a rubbish analogy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Anyways, should try and get some sleep, I am finding that the less sleep I have, the less I seem to need. This is not good, and I am finding that I am beginning to become a bit of an insomniac... prayer would be most grateful about this!
Sunday, March 13
You give & take away
I really do wonder how God works at blessing us... If I use an analogy it might help me to understand/ explain this better. I will liken it to a present. Say if we start to open the present at the wrong time then will God just take the present away from us, or will he help us to see that we had gone wrong, but let us have it still anyway? Or will the surprise be ruined, so that he is upset with us, and we feel bad about it. I don't know.
I know that God is full or mercy and grace and that he gives us everything we need and desire (if they are right desires) when we need them, 'at just the right time.' So it could be argued that even if we do mess up by opening the present beforehand, or peeking at it, or even trying to guess whats inside it that it was God's timing for us to do that? I really struggle with this. Also with how much we should be asking and thinking about this, as who can know God's mind? Maybe I should just let go of trying to understand it all, and just accept his blessings? But surely there's a difference to the 'value' of a blessing (go with me on this one for a moment) as to how we accept it, and how we respond to it. If we respond in thankfulness then surely that is what God desires from us, but what if, like spoilt children, we run off into the corner and start enjoying our present, or even playing with it for a little while, or just getting bored with it, or not even like it.
Are there any good recommendations of things to read etc... on the nature of blessings? I would also value your comments on this.
I know that God is full or mercy and grace and that he gives us everything we need and desire (if they are right desires) when we need them, 'at just the right time.' So it could be argued that even if we do mess up by opening the present beforehand, or peeking at it, or even trying to guess whats inside it that it was God's timing for us to do that? I really struggle with this. Also with how much we should be asking and thinking about this, as who can know God's mind? Maybe I should just let go of trying to understand it all, and just accept his blessings? But surely there's a difference to the 'value' of a blessing (go with me on this one for a moment) as to how we accept it, and how we respond to it. If we respond in thankfulness then surely that is what God desires from us, but what if, like spoilt children, we run off into the corner and start enjoying our present, or even playing with it for a little while, or just getting bored with it, or not even like it.
Are there any good recommendations of things to read etc... on the nature of blessings? I would also value your comments on this.
Sunday, March 6
gently does it
I am so in awe of God. Not only is the timing spot on, but the way in which he coaxes us back to him, so lovingly, so that we know that we have done wrong by going astray for so long, but not too bad so that we dont feel guilty about coming to him and asking his help, cos he is so willing to give it to us. I love it.
'More than all I want, More than all I need You are enough for me. More than all I know More than all I can see You are more than enough.'
He is more than we will ever need, and so much more than we will ever want. I can't understand the immense blessing that he gives us, by us just knowing Him. How amazing is the God we serve? He fills us in every way. Leaving no stone unturned, he wants the very best and doesnt even need to seek to give it to us, he just gives it to us. How great is the God we adore? I've had such a mixed week of good things and not so good things, things which I have been ashamed of, and things that I've wanted to shout out about. What an amazing God, who can take all of my rubbish- ness and turn it into something good. I don't want to sound trite in any way, and I understand that at the moment everyone's not going through a great time, but I just cant keep my feelings inside anymore. 'What a wonderful maker, what a wonderful saviour. Howmajestic your whispers, how humble your love' (Chris Tomlin) How amazing and so true are those lyrics? Sorry if I seem to be rambling without having a real point... well the point is obvious, just glorifying God by making much of what he's been doing in my life.
I will wait to see what God has got in store for me in the next installment of the God & Maddy story! :) And I dont want that to sound blasphemous, I understand that God is not our 'buddy' He is to be taken seriously, and to be feared. But we can call him Abba. And that is enough.
'More than all I want, More than all I need You are enough for me. More than all I know More than all I can see You are more than enough.'
He is more than we will ever need, and so much more than we will ever want. I can't understand the immense blessing that he gives us, by us just knowing Him. How amazing is the God we serve? He fills us in every way. Leaving no stone unturned, he wants the very best and doesnt even need to seek to give it to us, he just gives it to us. How great is the God we adore? I've had such a mixed week of good things and not so good things, things which I have been ashamed of, and things that I've wanted to shout out about. What an amazing God, who can take all of my rubbish- ness and turn it into something good. I don't want to sound trite in any way, and I understand that at the moment everyone's not going through a great time, but I just cant keep my feelings inside anymore. 'What a wonderful maker, what a wonderful saviour. Howmajestic your whispers, how humble your love' (Chris Tomlin) How amazing and so true are those lyrics? Sorry if I seem to be rambling without having a real point... well the point is obvious, just glorifying God by making much of what he's been doing in my life.
I will wait to see what God has got in store for me in the next installment of the God & Maddy story! :) And I dont want that to sound blasphemous, I understand that God is not our 'buddy' He is to be taken seriously, and to be feared. But we can call him Abba. And that is enough.
Wednesday, March 2
Truly Blessed
Its really cool how God answers prayer. Just at the right time. When we're ready, (but sometimes don't realise it) and when we've been asking for something good, he gives it to us. I know this is really basic, and I knew it before, but its just amazing when it actually happens to you. Take for example CU. I have been asking God what my gifts are that he's given me, and then the president asks me if I could take over a small group. I said yeah, I'd give that a go. Not fully understanding the amazing-ness of God's timing. The fact that I had been praying about using my gifts, and trying something new. I have just finished my second week of it, and am really enjoying it. God keeps blessing me with new ideas, and new ways to make it different each week. People are being really supportive and I think I have a gifting in it. I really feel God helping me, and it's really been a blessing to come to Chester and to be used by God. One of the biggest reasons I wanted to come to uni was to get back to a close relationship with God, as it has gone down the pan a bit from last year etc... and this has just been such a blessing, and also finding a church that encourages me, and helps is just really cool too. I have so many good christian friends here who are so supportive and loving. It blows me away sometimes, well nearly all the time, how much I have changed since being here. Just with the little things as well as the big thing of moving away, and studying again. I can't believe how quick time seems to be going too. Its March already. When I see God working it reminds me that I am in the place where He wants me to be.
Monday, February 28
just when we all thought it couldn't get any worse!
Yes. the night of the party. We didnt expect that it would end up with someone getting arrested because of someone being 'bottled' by one of our housemates (who came later on in the year, and so we dont know too well, and kinda want rid of him now, cos he's unpredictable.) In a way, as its been talked about so much I don't want to go into details, and i'm glad that I wasnt there for the actual brawl, butt he aftermath that I saw was horrendous. Blood on the walls, on teh bannisters, and on the carpet in places. Other people's blood on the ones that tried to stop the fight, and a lot of people with bruises and cuts in the morning. This started from one small joke. What a petty thing. If the housemate that was involved knew my friend well enough then none of it would have happened. She was only joking when she first said get out of my house. He even joked back. But this other housemate saw it as threatening behaviour,and acted like a right fool. This is what drink does to people. It isnt big, clever or pretty. In the end the police came round and arrested the guy that was bottled. But not even the guy that did the bottling. I have seen the police handle a few things now, and to be honest I can't say that I have seen them do a good job. But at least they came to take the guy out of our house. No more parties for K.Lodge!
Saturday, February 26
Disrespectful people
This morning after a night out; celebrating my friend's birthday, I came downstairs, and happened to look into the common room...now for all of you who havent been to where I live yet, the common room is a room with a friend's pool table in it, its a mini one, and we have a lot of fun playing on it. It also has lots of granny chairs, which are not very comfortable, but at least one is. We love chilling out in this room. And as I walked in, my eyes searched around the room, and no pool table. Yeah, I thought, maybe they've been super-organised and moved it because of the party we're going to have tonight in there. But then a sinking feeling came upon me, where was the pool table? I searched around the room again, and spied a handful of sawdust on the floor. I thought, thats not right...where could it be? I went into the kitchen to find one of my fellow housemates who happen to have a room near the common room. They told me that they had found the pool table earlier on this morning in a state of disrepair. They said that it had been broken in two, and the legs were splayed everywhere, with a nasty note on the floor and the chairs were heaped into an unruly pile in one corner. Now, we thought who would be so disrespectful in this house, we all use that room and we all love playing on the pool table. But then I remembered last night there were a lot of one person's (who I wont mention) 'friends' from the uni and from his home too. And they were making a lot of noise and generally being disruptive, matress surfing down the stairs, and using the punch bag that we have, and making a lot of noise. I'm not one to judge or point the finger, but there's clear evidence that it was these group of people. I just feel so annoyed that it happened to a really nice guy, who's going through a bit of a tough time at the moment, and nearly wasn't coming back to uni. He's not a person to give up. He's strong, but this has so not been on. He doesn't deserve this. He said this was one of the reasons that he didnt want to come back. Its such a shame that people have such a disrespect for other people's property. And yeah, they might have been drunk,but still, you know not to smash things to pieces, and then be coherent enough in mind to write a nasty note, and deface one of our fridges with a similar disregard. We're supposed to be having a party tonight, but a lot of people have said that they dont want to go anymore, because of this and what might happen. Its clearly war now. Its gone too far.
Thursday, February 17
coming back to what you know
...take everything real slow
Now, that song lyric really describes me at the moment, I am coming back to reading the bible, very slowly. (I will prob fall flat on my face now, but hey!) I am also coming back to enjoying my course again. This week has just been a bit of a let down, we've had a weeks worth (except for today) of lectures and seminars on how to write essays (just so that they get everyone to the same standard etc) I thought I knew how to write an essay, and it's good to be re-told I suppopse and reminded, but it has also been a bit discouraging, as I got my lowest mark so far in the essays that I have just got back, I mean I still passed quite considerably, but I wasn't happy with my mark. I thoroughly enjoyed the seminar I just had, it was with my Head of English, and he's such a good lecturer, he makes things really interesting although they might seem really quite a boring subject at the start! (it was poetry... I struggle with poetry!) the way that this guy loves everything to do with English, really helps me to be fired up about it too (it doesnt take a lot to get me excited about English anyway!) It's not just a lve of reading, its a love of words, and meanings, a love of their origins and how they mean different things in different English speaking places, i.e. in America a bathroom is called a restroom, and silly things like that that tend to fascinate me. I then went to collect two more of my essays, and was really pleased with the marks. I know that I would love to get better marks, but its a start. I know where I'm going wrong now, and am seeking to write more fluidly and coherently! I am feeling a lot better than the other day (as you might have guessed!)
Onwards and upwards!
Now, that song lyric really describes me at the moment, I am coming back to reading the bible, very slowly. (I will prob fall flat on my face now, but hey!) I am also coming back to enjoying my course again. This week has just been a bit of a let down, we've had a weeks worth (except for today) of lectures and seminars on how to write essays (just so that they get everyone to the same standard etc) I thought I knew how to write an essay, and it's good to be re-told I suppopse and reminded, but it has also been a bit discouraging, as I got my lowest mark so far in the essays that I have just got back, I mean I still passed quite considerably, but I wasn't happy with my mark. I thoroughly enjoyed the seminar I just had, it was with my Head of English, and he's such a good lecturer, he makes things really interesting although they might seem really quite a boring subject at the start! (it was poetry... I struggle with poetry!) the way that this guy loves everything to do with English, really helps me to be fired up about it too (it doesnt take a lot to get me excited about English anyway!) It's not just a lve of reading, its a love of words, and meanings, a love of their origins and how they mean different things in different English speaking places, i.e. in America a bathroom is called a restroom, and silly things like that that tend to fascinate me. I then went to collect two more of my essays, and was really pleased with the marks. I know that I would love to get better marks, but its a start. I know where I'm going wrong now, and am seeking to write more fluidly and coherently! I am feeling a lot better than the other day (as you might have guessed!)
Onwards and upwards!
Monday, February 14
rubbish
At the moment, I just feel spiritually lazy. I can't be motivated to do anything, and feel like I need a good kick up the backside from something to get me going again. At the start of my holiday (i've just had a ouple of weeks off) I thought that I would read a lot of the bible and do a lot of praying etc, but it all really went pear shaped. I feel as if i've been left shipwrecked in the faith, I feel all alone and lost. Can't find my way back because I have no strength left. I think I've took things too far with God's gifts. I know I want to get back to a relationship with Him, so thats good I suppose, its just having someone to be accountable to. Someone that I can talk to about spiritual things. I'm sure that those people are out there, but I just need to be motivated enough to get right with God again. Going to LABC really helped on Sunday, and I realised again that I need a church that will challenge me in Chester, and I don't get that at Northgate. But I really like it there. I should try another church though, which I will aim to on Sunday. I can't really blame it on the church though, it's my own fault for not making the time to spend with God. But sometimes you just feel too far to do anything about it, and then you can easily slip further and further away. I know that this is the Devil whispering words of doubt in my ears, but sometimes we just believe it, and don't question it, because at that time we are too weak to do so.
I know it sounds lame too, but being Valentines day and being on your own doesn't really help either. It makes you feel pants all day. I will probably go out tonight, but you never know whether that will make you feel justy as bad, if not worse than staying in on your own(!) It would be nice to get a few friends together who are single, and just stay in with them, watching a dvd or something.
Should be alright later on I suppose!!!
I know it sounds lame too, but being Valentines day and being on your own doesn't really help either. It makes you feel pants all day. I will probably go out tonight, but you never know whether that will make you feel justy as bad, if not worse than staying in on your own(!) It would be nice to get a few friends together who are single, and just stay in with them, watching a dvd or something.
Should be alright later on I suppose!!!
Tuesday, February 8
The Cavern
Haunting music of a by-gone age mingles with furls of smoke. Then the crooners come onto that hallpwed stage, playing the old music that the original band once played. Amongst them were Queen, Eric Clapton and the Stones. Old rockers with trailing hair dance to the tribute band. Possibly they were here when the bands played in the sixties. The nostalgia suffocates our senses, in the forms of sound, smells, and seeing people re-living their childhoods. smaller children crowd round in awe, I wonder whether they appreciate where they are, what they're experiencing. Smoke unfurling like the forgotten memories of a past generation. Shadows are cast from the musicians on the stage, causing us to question their existence. Fans inscribe their names on the infamous walls hoping to be included somehow in their histories. Crude guitars strum along to the well-known tunes that once caressed the ears of listeners many moons ago. Accoustically astounding, the cavern being an astute name for it. We can only guess of what the place used to be before a club...maybe a merchants storehouse. We eventually have to leave, up some dirty, smelly dark steps into the clean fresh air. This underground time-capsule is overwhelming. My memories of being brought up on such musical talents as these help me to feel at home. Inspirational riffs allow me to create these words. People crowd the crudely lit cavern in search of comfort. If only we could have heard these bands whilst they were in their prime. I am almost envious of the walls that have been priviledged enough to be there, eavesdropping on astounding conversations, observing things we can only ever imagine.
Friday, February 4
househunting part 2
WOW, if anyone has ever said that househunting is easy, they are a bit misguided (or otherwise really lucky!) I have had a really stressful week, the first one since being in Chester when I just wanted to go home! At the start of the week it was all going really nicely, we had a group of us willing to share together, getting to know each other a bit more by going out and things, which was really nice. We started looking on the tuesday, and saw an amazing house that just felt right at the time, we were all really up for getting it, but then things happened, and the landlady seemed to be messing us around a bit by saying that we needed to pay an extortionate amount of deposit, £540 to be precise... without seeing a finalised contract. We were told not to hand any money over until having signed a contract first, so we were apprehensive, but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt cos of the amazing value of the house and what it had to offer. All the other houses we had seen seemed like boxes and sheds compared to this one. It really met everything that we wanted in a house, and was reasonable. Then one person wasn't sure about it, so he dropped out. And I felt weird about the house, I also felt like we were being a bit fleeced by the landlady (it was either that or that she didn't seem to know what she was doing, which could also have been true) It just wasn't sitting right with me. But everyone else seemed to be fine about it still. Then I pulled out, and left everyone in the lurch, which I know I shouldn't have done, (they're ok about it now, and respect the fact that I told them rather than not telling them at all and living there just because.) I also had been offered a room with a gorgeous house, from a friend from CU, who I get on with really well. So I thought that I would take that one instead. I mean, I don't know all of the people that I will be living with next year, like I would know all of the people that I wanted to live with...so it will be good to get to know them, but a bit scary too. The house is bargainous for what it is. And as the people will be moving out next year (cos they are in the second year now) I might be able to persuade some other people that I know better to move in with me in my final year. Who knows?!?
I know that my friendships with people have been tested this week, but hopefuly they will have been made stronger. I think that this will be the case. I did actually want to go home this week, or to Manchester but this has put things back a bit.
I know that my friendships with people have been tested this week, but hopefuly they will have been made stronger. I think that this will be the case. I did actually want to go home this week, or to Manchester but this has put things back a bit.
Thursday, January 27
nice people
on 12th sept I blogged about polite people. Last night I encountered the true, pure, un-cheesy meaning of the word nice. I know as an English student the word nice is frowned upon as being too vague, too general, the word has been over-used and this has almost killed it's meaning. Now polite people and nice people are too different things. The person (I wont mention their name because they might read it!) helped me to get rid of my bitterness towards people being fake-nice. By this I mean that some people can be really nice, but only for a short period of time. Or other people can be really really nice at times (the sort of nice-ness that makes you feel a bit queasy and not really want to be around that person for too long-I dont know whether this is just how I feel or not) but you know the type, really overly nicey nicey. But as it is such a glossy nice-ness, (ie fake and not real) they cannot keep up this created persona, and they fall into their normal personalities. This person was nice in a real way. They werent just pretending, and it wasnt cheesy niceness, I dunno maybe i'm being too phillosophical about it all, but I truly never thought that anyone could be so nice without making it cringe-worthy. So how was it different? Well, I'm still trying to work that one out for myself. I suppose you have to be genuine in what you say, and consistent in what you do and the way you re-act to things. I don't know whether this can truly be learnt, but I know that God will help us to be nice and different to others around us. This may sound weird, but its the first time i've actually wanted to be nice, I mean it's the first time ive wanted that quality. Now the people that know me might think, well, Mads, she's a nice girl, but sometimes I have to think about how to be nice to someone. It doesnt come naturally, and maybe this is why when I say something nice to someone else, sometimes (not always) it can seem quite fake. As I say the words I want to cringe and think that when I say them, they are not being taken to heart as I dont truly mean what I say, i'm just trying to be nice. But I really believe that like I said before, if we are genuine in what we say, saying how we feel and meaning it all the time, then people will notice this difference in our lives, and we can point them to the maker who created this emotion. I'm in no way saying that people who arent christians are all nasty. By no means, some of the best people are not saved. but this is a way in which we can let them know we are different.
I believe that this is totally different to being polite too, because to me politeness is sometimes hidden under a layer of another emotion that might not be genuine, as in they might be trying to be polite but really hating themselves for being so polite. Hope that makes sense.
True nice people are really rare. I think I've only ever met about two in my life.
I feel priviledged to be friends with this person, and the way that they are teaching me (without realising) what it is to be genuine.
I believe that this is totally different to being polite too, because to me politeness is sometimes hidden under a layer of another emotion that might not be genuine, as in they might be trying to be polite but really hating themselves for being so polite. Hope that makes sense.
True nice people are really rare. I think I've only ever met about two in my life.
I feel priviledged to be friends with this person, and the way that they are teaching me (without realising) what it is to be genuine.
Wednesday, January 26
drunk and disorderly
I can't believe the amount of drunk people that I've randomly come into contact with by just being at Chester. Terry, my friend was walking me back home last night after CU and we saw this guy who looked quite rough around the edges, and he stopped and was talking to us. I mean he was in no way threatening, but it was just that I was tired and wanted to get back home. I guessed that he was talking to us for over half an hour, offering us various illegalities, and asking whether we would join him in a smoke. I started praying about a police car coming down the road. It did, but didnt stop (maybe I should have prayed for it to stop too!) This guy was quite paranoid, and just a bit weird, he started singing and at one point he was following us home, but we said that we needed to get back and that we were tired. This is not the first time that something like this has happened in Chester, I've experienced two other separate occasions, that things like this has happened. Once there were two guys in town that were drunk, and started talking to me (btw do I have a sign on my head saying stop, talk to me?!?) and asked whether I wanted a muppet I was like, what? and he brought out of his bag, a cheap puppet toy and said would I like it, I politely declined, but his friend said that he wanted it instead, so I was relieved at that! They then went on. Also another drunk guy was scaring me, but luckily someone came out of their house, and helped me. Don't get me wrong, Chester is safe (at times) but I suppose because it's near the biggest council estate in Europe; Blacon, you're bound to get some kind of backlash from that statistic. Anyway, all is well now. Just wanted to share my ramblings with you all!
Tuesday, January 25
small things
Less is definitely more. Something that maybe I should have realised a long time ago has come and hit me straight between the eyes. The amount of times I have stressed about helping people, and feeling guilty about not being able to help as much as I would like to... my friend broke up with her boyfriend of three years, and I sent her a text, and gave her a hug, and she said thanks for being so supportive. I didn't feel like I had done much at all, but she seemed to appreciate the fact that I cared, and that she knew that I would be willing for her to talk to me about anything. Also little things really make a difference. A smile, a little gesture of friendliness can be reciprocated in a grander gesture. For example, this week I bought someone a chocolate bar, to apologise for doing something stupid (not detrimental!) and they returned the gesture with a grander one- buying me breakfast today. which was really nice. It's not that I'm saying we should all do small gestures to get bigger ones in return, but that we should be open to small gestures of friendliness and kindness, and who knows what we will get in return, or if we get nothing, then at least we know we've done something nice for someone, and that they've appreciated it. I think that most of the time, I think about doing grand gestures, and things that are way out of actualy achieving them, but the smaller things, everyone can do. I know that some of you are reading this and thinking, how silly, I knew that ages ago, but seriously, I am a bit slow at understanding the simplest of things at times, and it takes me a hard llesson to learn that I cannot do everything I think I can. But this creates a positive out of a negative... we are not expected to do the things we can't do. We were created individually and uniquely to do the things that we were made to do. Its just now we have to find what we are good at, and go and do it! but at least we know that it will be something we really enjoy, because we were directly made for that reason and purpose.
Sometimes to say nothing, or little, is better than either doing a lot for someone, or just doing nothing at all. I think we need less stress and more achievable goals.
Sometimes to say nothing, or little, is better than either doing a lot for someone, or just doing nothing at all. I think we need less stress and more achievable goals.
Monday, January 24
house hunting
Its that time of year, and as I have never done this before, its kind of exciting, but also quite scary. I have just given my last essay, so nothing to do now for three weeks! (I will be doing some kind of work, I promise!) So, more time can be spent on all important house hunting. I'm just a bit wary of landpeople trying to fleece us, by getting us to spend some extortionate amount for a pile of pooh house. I have seen some really nice houses, but others that I have seen I didn't like at all. The good thing (one of them!) about being at CU is that you get to know where the good houses are located. There are some real gorgeous ones on a road called whipcord lane (sounds a bit grim!) but I know that they are massive too, and we only want one with three bedrooms in it, so unfortunately thats out of the question. Hopefuly one of my good mates will get one of those :) so that I can go and visit quite a lot :) Anyways, any advice from those who have been in this situ before, will be very much appreciated! :)
Monday, January 17
< ,`.-.`, >< 21 >< ,`.-.`, >
Can't believe that the day has finally come when I'm 21! I feel kind of old, but its nice to be an actual age again (not like the nothing age of 20!-not yet 21, but not a teenager either!) My seminar group serenaded me this morning, which was really nice of them :) It was the last of that particular seminar, which I really enjoyed. I have no real big musings about being 21 other than, (someone reminded me) now I can legally drink if I go to America! (which doesn't thrill me in the slightest!) It should be good going out tonight, looking forward to it, i've also just handed in two of my four essays, so its all great. Still got another two to write, but they should be alright, the one that I was having slight trouble with has been handed in, and hopefuly I will pass that one! (I always foolishly worry) - foolishly not because I think that I should pass, but because it's unneccessary (sp?!)
Anyways on with the festivities! :D
Anyways on with the festivities! :D
Thursday, January 13
you wanna be in my band?!
I cannot believe what delights this week has brought to me already, and I didnt ask for them, it just seems that my dreams have come true to a certain extent, I just can't believe my ears, when I heard that my friend Binks, was looking for a singer, to sing in his Christian band, and I said i'd give it a go, and he's said that I can be in his band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it, I've always wanted to be singing, in a Christian band thing like this, I'm so chuffed about it. Also, another aquaintance is setting up a Chester uni newspaper for students, and has seen that I enjoy English, and havent just done the subject just cos I was good at it, and he wants me to write articles for it!!!! I was like yeah, thats so cool, go for it! These events occured on the same day, I am now in a band, and could start a career as a journalist, if i'm ok at it!!!!!!!!!! Ok, maybe i'm going slightly over the top, but i'm just really excited about it all. These are chances that I would have never received if I hadnt come here, and these are the things I've always wanted to do, i'm just a bit blown away by it all.
It will all be such a good experience. I will keep you all posted on what gigs I do, (they're mainly in manchester!) and articles etc... :)
This year is proving to be very fun at the moment, bring it on :D
I can't believe also that next week I'm gonna turn 21! I still feel like im about 18 anyways! (and act like it most of the time!) I totally agree with you Bex, that you think you're grown up when you're 18, but then the next three years really help you to understand that you're not grown up really.
Anyways, will keep you all up to date!
It will all be such a good experience. I will keep you all posted on what gigs I do, (they're mainly in manchester!) and articles etc... :)
This year is proving to be very fun at the moment, bring it on :D
I can't believe also that next week I'm gonna turn 21! I still feel like im about 18 anyways! (and act like it most of the time!) I totally agree with you Bex, that you think you're grown up when you're 18, but then the next three years really help you to understand that you're not grown up really.
Anyways, will keep you all up to date!
Tuesday, January 4
weird-ness
I've always found it a little annoying, how my brain works. I believe that it works best very early in the morning, from about 6-12am and then late at night, I am always quite lucid in the way that I write (or maybe it's cos I'm tired and I think i'm writing more expressively than normal) Or it could be because my brain is attempting to sift through all of the junk that i've put in my head today. I've always found it amazing the amount that some people dream. I absolutely love dreaming things, they're generally good (!) and sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking that if I could just remember all the details, I could make some money out of selling it as a book. In my dreams i've thought of the best jokes, and i've actually woken up laughing before, I've also written in my sleep, which you might think as funy, me being an English student ane everything, but I found it really strange. What I wrote didnt make much sense anyways! (The dream was focused around me going to the Queen's and being asked to write in her visitor's book!) But dreaming (getting back to what I was saying!) is the shifting of all the subconscious thoughts, like a clean out of your mind etc, I just think its a bit weird that these chemical cleaners take shape into stories and events that form themselves into dreams. Dreams can mean things too, i'm still not sure whether it's right to look into the meaning of dreams, but generally the things we dream about often sound very strange and unusual, but they are symbols of how we are feeling at the time. Like if you dream of a house, it is supposed to be how you view yourself, the outward appearance is very telling, also the state of the house inside is supposed to be the state of your inner mind or something like that. Are we as Christians supposed to look into dreams and their meanings, I mean sometimes (generally all or most of the time) I find it really helpful to understand what the dreams mean, as they can sometimes scare you, i.e. dreaming of a death, marriage or pregnancy! And in the bible God spoke to people using dreams, and these were Godly, righteous people, so is it wrong? I remember dreaming things as a child that have come true. I don't know whether you will believe me on this, but the ones that have come true are more grander de ja vou moments I suppose. It's just that within them the events happen exactly as you remember them, and also in the order that you do them, de ja vou moments are snippets in time, whereas when I dreamt of these things, they were longer periods of time, and the events that happened in them happened to the letter, whereas in de ja vou moments things can change, and outcomes that were thought can be changed. I am probably making no sense at all, but I've always wondered whether sometimes being able to see these things are something that is out of my control, something that I have been given maybe? I just wondered what you thought if anything? (this is to anyone who reads my blogs)
Monday, January 3
Yappy New Year
Hey y'all :O)
I thought that I would christen this new year, with a blog (although really it should have been a couple of days earlier!) I think my mind has caught up with where I am at the moment, which is a good thing!
I don't want to make any New Year's resolutions, because I never keep them(!) but I am going to make some aims, things that I would like to do this year. I think its quite a good idea to have something to aim for, if you don't succeed in doing so, you might attain something higher than if you'd have set no goals whatsoever!
I'm going to be quite busy this coming month, what with 21st's going on all over the place :D should be a good month too though, am really looking forward to it.
I thought that I would christen this new year, with a blog (although really it should have been a couple of days earlier!) I think my mind has caught up with where I am at the moment, which is a good thing!
I don't want to make any New Year's resolutions, because I never keep them(!) but I am going to make some aims, things that I would like to do this year. I think its quite a good idea to have something to aim for, if you don't succeed in doing so, you might attain something higher than if you'd have set no goals whatsoever!
I'm going to be quite busy this coming month, what with 21st's going on all over the place :D should be a good month too though, am really looking forward to it.
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