Grasping hold of God

I think i'm quite different at uni than I am at home, i've realised some things about myself that I couldn't have done while I was in Aylesbury, and this has so helped with my self esteem (of which I used to have quite substantial problems with)- nothing detrimental, just enough to let it ruin parts of your life.

I would say that I'm not good at knowing myself fully, I mean I knowa lot of things that I would do in certain situations, but then sometimes I don't know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I think when you focus on your weaknesses you can lose sight of your strengths. Lets put this into language you can understand, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, and I hate it, but in a way I like it too, I like being able to get away with the least amount of effort and produce something good out of it, and I'm not a planner as you would acll one, I have thoughts in my mind about certain things, but I know that if I plan too much and it all falls apart then i feel sad, and so I use my procrastination as a sense of self defence, as in 'I didn't take too much care about it so I expected that result' sort of thing. I know that this is so dangerous because you end up being let down quite a lot of the time, I mean I wouldn't let my friends down as much as I let myself down (if that makes sense)

I think you need to be true to yourself, not just knowing stuff about yourself, but actively doing something about the faults, and working on the things that you're good at. I felt bad even when I do things good at times, because you think that people expect something back from you, and so you feel that the other person might think there's an ulterior motive behind what you're doing when there's not, but I think i've come to think about that in a different way- I know what intention I had at the time of doing something good for someone else, and so I know that God will see it that way too, no matter what the other person may think or act like. Maybe I think too much about these things.

Anywhoo! I just have been realising that some people who think that they know you, really probably don't, so don't expect them to know whats the best for you or other things in your life that you might think are important to you, aren't to them, so what, I think that you should just be yourself with good and bad points, ust go for it. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I did something good, or something different, so when I was younger I wouldn't do those things, and I wish I had, because I would have learnt so much from them, if I'd have just taken the chance and not been weighed down by what others would think of me, but there ya go, can't go back in time. I used to feel that if I had the same idea as someone else, and they'd done it first that I would just be seen to be copying them, I hated that comparrison, so rather than doing the things that I thought, or the things that I wanted to, I just wouldn't do them.

I suppose in a way i'm like that now too. I don't think i'm good enough to do certain things, so I leave them well alone, until someone comes up to me and actually either makes me do them, I wont give them a go. Take for example HCA, I thought I could do it, but then I had doubts abot it, but I tried it, and loved doing that job, also with small group leading, I never thought I would be able to do something like that, but I love doing it and giving my time up for it, and the people that are in my group, and just working on those relationships and gaining deeper friendships from just being with them.

I think that this term, admist the workload which has been really tough for me to grasp hold of, God has been teaching me to broaden my horizons, not to think what I can do alone, but what God acn do though me. Craig, unknowingly has been challenging me about that too, which has been good, but also hard to hear, because I knew that I didn't want to do anything about it.

Anyway, I really do think that my organisational skills are improving slightly! And I hope that they continue to do so!!!!!!! about the raving ranting thing, I just needed to vent it I suppose!