university 'life'

You might think that I am going to blog about the social aspect of uni life, but I'm not.
I suppose that I'm a bit surprised that its taken this long to 'get back into the swing of things' i.e. thinking again, and formulating my own ideas, kind of like independent thinking really... it's taken such a long time because of being out of academia for such a long time, I understand that...but I thought that it would be quicker than this really. It is a good thing; I know that. I've just been doing a lot of work recently, well a presentation and an essay within a week, and now i've stopped I wanted to write some more really!-weird I hear you say...!
Recently things have been slightly haunting me... I suppose its just taken a while to take stock of where I am now as to where I was last year... and I know you're probably thinking Oh no, she's harking back to that again.. but it takes a while to get over something like that and its weird sometimes being with people who know you..well.. who know the 'university' you. Its strange, i feel like I have about three different identities, a uni Maddy, home Madeline and Mads, I mean they are all me, all different aspects of me, but which one is the real me? Maybe its cos im listening to music which reminds me so much of the crap of last year that makes me talk about things, maybe I feel like I can't talk so freely to people about last year. I don't know. I suppose you can't be 'up' all the time. Feelings take over and are imposed from past memories etc... I just really want to know how he's getting on sometimes. I feel like i've given him a hard time by the way that i've talked about him to other people, I want to know how his mum and sister are too. I want to know whether he's going to uni this year or getting a job, whether he's at home again with his mum or somewhere else altogether. Maybe somethings happened that I will just not know. I was talking to Rebecca when I went back home at Easter about Matt and she noticed that I just had bad things to say about him, but he wasn't al bad. I've just painted that picture because it was easier to deal with. i mean I can go without wanting to find out about him etc.. I'm sure that this feeling will soon pass, but at the moment its consuming me a little bit. I just want to be able to remember some good times that we had, some fun times. He taught me a lot. He gave me my self esteem and really encouraged me to look at the bible and pray too. It was so cool to have someone that I was so accountable to.
I suppose now that i'm a small group leader i'm expected to be ok and not need much help. I know that I have people that I can talk to, maybe thats what needs to be done. I don't know whats wrong.
My old wound is hurting I guess at the moment. Should die down soon.

I'll be ok folks!