christmas eve; mistletoe and ?

I can't believe that it's Christmas Eve already. To be honest with you all, I do find it hard to remember what I did for last year, at Christmas time (not for all the wrong reasons- I just have a very poor memory!) But I can definitely remember earlier on this year, namely January, in a sense my mind has only just caught up with the fact that it's 2004, let alone December, let alone the eve of christmas day! I feel that this year has been so productive in many ways, but in others I feel that it has been somewhat of a waste of time and effort, people that know me, know that I don't need to explain the instances that have made me feel like this. I am so thankful that through God's grace, he has given me a place in Chester, and that fact alone has made me able to appreciate life again, all the little pleasures, even to the smallest ones like walking down a street in Chester, even getting up at 8 some mornings, when I feel like moaning about the seeming amount of work that I have got to hand in, I can't moan, I can't say I'm bored because I'm just really glad that I'm able to be doing what I am doing. I really want to understand more about God's grace, and by the conversations i've had this week alone, I am beginning to understand that this is going to be taught to me over a long period of time. I suppose I will have to learn patience too(!)
Not wanting in any way to sound like a tedious speech at an Oscar's awards ceremony... I just like to thank some people that have made this year special for me in so many ways, Rebecca, Becci, Rachel, Daniel, Matt, Jonathan and so many more people that have just been so supportive and helpful, and real rocks. Thanks guys, I seriously couldn't have got through the year without you all, some just by giving me advice, others talking with me, hugs, you've all just been amazing, and have really helped me to get back to who I am now, (which is me!) thank you for sticking by me, even when i've tried to get you to stop talking to me, and stop giving me advice, and to generally be on my own, thanks for not giving up on me, I love you all dearly. Thank you for all helping to see my dream and helping me to go for it too.
I just hope and pray that I will be able to reciprocate that to you all, by showing you how much I care for you all, and that I really do hope that you all have a fantastic Christmas Day, and even though some of you will have family that are away, I just pray that this would be a really good time of celebrating even when circumstances are difficult for you.
I just want to finish by sending a BIG HUG to all my friends!
XXX

this is a mad night with a couple of friends from Kingsley Lodge... Ernin, Me, Bizzy and Alli 

GTA

Warped time encases the watchers, they are too engrossed to do anything even think about any five letter, or come to think of it, four letter word. The world can stop for at least a couple of hours, watching fellow housemates go on a murdering rampage, stealing cars, even flying planes. 'Make all the cars pink,' shouts one with an excited air, 'no, black, thats so much more cooler.' Everything else becomes a game, the police cars actually are driving down the street outside, sirens blaring, reality becomes mixed with fiction and the lines that once distinguished between them becomes smudged, is this an indefinite state of mind, or just a temporary glitch? Some have been imprisoned in their rooms over a week now, we rarely notice their existence, we wonder how they survive, pot noodles? Crisps? The questions buzz around our minds, why did you come here? How are you going to pass? wil they let you?

Narnia

How cool is this, I am able to choose ANY piece of creative writing, and then critically write about it... I am choosing The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe as mine! I love the fact that I will be able to bring in (slightly) things to do with God and the bible, just by writing about a chapter of this book.

And whilst looking for ideas from the web, I stumbled across a site that reminded me of the fact that some good person, in New Zealand, is going to put Narnia onto the big screen, how great will that be?! (the same guy who produced Shrek).. I 'm really looking forward to watching that, they are hoping to do all 7 of the books, but not in 7 movies, I think they're trying to get it down to 5 or so.

I hope that everyone is having a good December so far, and we all have advent calendars?

x

naive-freda

Life; its been very weird lately. And by saying that I don't really know why, which is strange in and of itself, as I can normally reason things in my own mind. This week for instance... Half the things that have happened, I would never have guessed I would do at the start, some being good, others being not so, some having good consequences and others not good. Yesterday I think was my weirdest day in Chester to date. In the morning, I met with my small group, which was normal and cool. Then I went to a drop in centre for people who are homeless, just to help out, and give them food, chat with them, give them blankets etc.. I found that the zeal they had for life really challenged me, they were so positive, it was amazing, these people being really positive kind of helped the conversation go into spiritual things, and where they stood with what they believed.

Then the not so good came later on that evening, when I went out with my housemates, I mean I loved going out with them all, but I had had such a big tea that I was stone cold sober, and when it comes to dancing you have to be slightly more up for it (well I do anyway) and so I got another drink, and that one was a bit too much really, I should have stopped with the one before, I suppose you can fill in the gaps with what people thought, and I was ashamed. I mean nothing too bad happened, I was just a bit jolly- now I know my limits!

I'm finding it a bit difficult to do my work too, lack of motivation or whatever, I dunno, but the week goes so quickly its silly! It comes round to monday morning and then I realise that I haven't done a bit of work that I was supposed to, or something like that! oops! I should be well more organised really.

Btw, Bex, I would love to see you but still need to think of a time that I could feel more relaxed (not with so much work to be handed in) I think the best time to come and see you was probably late October or november, but I would love to come maybe in the new year.x

church

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I was in church today, in a church that I thought I didn't want to go to, it was so different to what i'm used to, it was quite scary. but today they had a service that really changed my thinking... maybe this was the place that God wanted me to meet with him... I had been to other churches, but I didn't realise till I went to a different church last week, then cxame back to this one, that I was feeling closer to God at this church than any other, possibly even more than at home, because it was different, it made me think more about God, not just being spoon-fed the gospel, and spiritual teaching. And yeah, we did look at a bible passage (we normally just touch on one, but this week it was more in-depth study) which was good, but I really felt close to God. I did think that I went because of all the wrong reasons, but maybe thats not the case. I will have to do some thinking and praying about it, but i'm quite excited about where God wants me.

stuck in Mongolia

And once again, I'm blogging rather than working! Such a procrastinator!

I feel quite thick too, I've forgotten what characterisation actually means! (and i'm an English student!) What a dope! I suppose I should look it up, I'm doing a presentation on it, on a chapter in a novel, which, Bex, I think you might find quite interesting, its a bit strange though, the book is called Ghostwritten by David Mitchell. Anyway,my presentation is on the most difficult chapter of the book- called Mongolia, I'm a bit stuck, but I'm going to give it a go, I think if I tell my lecturer that I'm well and truly stuck on it, he might give me a few handy hints?!?!

I felt annoyed today that I had to do work, but then I remembered back to the time I was working, and it helped me appreciate the fact that I was again, at uni and studying.

Should really get on!

concreting friendships

This week has been quite busy what with work and meeting up with people, I enjoy the busi-ness of it all, but it can become a bit tiring. Wednesday night came around and I went out with some housemates, and then I met up with some CU peeps, it was such a fab night out. We boogied til dawn, and was I tired!!! But I wanted the night to go on, it just really cemeted some friendships that are already there, it was brilliant, could do that every week (if cash flow allows!)

have a break; have a kitkat

I wanted to go to uni not only to study English, but to try and study God's word just as much, I'm going to a group at the moment, and its called BST - blood sweat and tears- and we're learning 1Timothy and 2Timothy by heart, its difficult but such a good discipline to master, its amazing that when you're accountable to others who are learning the same chapters, how you become more involved and excited when you read the bible. I would recommend learning scripture to anyone who wants to know God better, it really starts to change your thinking, because you have that stored in your heart rather than the media, song lyrics, film sequences, etc, (i'm not saying that these are bad within themselves!)

I'm also enjoying the free-ness of being single, the fellowship of my CU friends, my course (which I rave on about to anyone that takes a slight bit of interest!), and just being able to be my own person, independent, doing what I'd like to do, and not being tied down to work shifts. It's great, I walk around most of the day just happy to be walking around! I don't think I've felt so settled as I do here, although I'm not doing anything too different from what I have done before. This appreciation leads me to thoughts of what I'm going to do after uni, it seems to be going so quickly, I want the time to slow down. The other day I thought it must be about 5th of November; it was the 23rd! I was so shocked, I couldn't believe where this month has gone to!

I suppose this is just an appreciative break, which I wanted to capture in words.

conformity in the ranks!

What is it with people buying the same things?! I mean this is like what, fashion slightly out of control, the overbearign need to fit into socitey outweighs the foolishness of how we go about it, the same bags for instance, and seeing the same things that people wear, over and over. It would be great if shops sold things differently, so no two things were the same (I mean it would be good if they had one type of thing in various sizes) but maybe in different outlets they could have different styles of clothes. Maybe I'm being a little harsh here, I mean designers would have to be very creative to come up with a lot of different things to wear, and if we truly admired someones clothes, we wouldnt be able to ever get the same thing as them because it wouldn't be around.

But take things like bags, those topshop ones that you get free when you buy something (the material ones) I've got no real qualms about them, but everyone has them, yes, even I do, they're really handy, your folders fit into them without getting wet, but I came to uni, having got one of these bags, and about 2 people had them, now it seems like the while of Chester uni has them, its absurdity taken to the greatest extent!

For Christmas... a new bag I think!

spiritually comatosed

I need to remember, God knows the best for me, and even though it seems like I have to crawl sometimes rather than walk (humility) its the best thing for me. Sometimes forgetting how much he loves me I can wander in my own little world, thinking that what I ahve is so much better than anything that he could give me, so not true. Whatever God has given me, its obviously been from him, and yeah you say obviously and I say obviously too, but sometimes (most of the time) you just forget it, or you feel so inadequate to do anything for God, I mean if you truly think about it, we can't do anything for him, we just have to be thankful to him.

I want to sprint before I can run, and run before I can walk, I need to learn to kneel on the dusty floor and crawl. Too proud? Know all the answers?
I'm just on the tip of learning all the basics. Its such an unfathomable depth, how will we ever know everything? How can we ever begin to understand? It blows my mind just contemplating any one of God's promises for me, for example, he knew me before the foundations of the earth.. he created me for his pleasure - huh?! Amazing yet so complex.

The thing that astounds me so much is that God wants to know us! He loves us! We say this so often, and hear it, but does anyone fully know the benefit? The sheer amazing-ness of this truth.

I keep feeling comatosed.

familiarity...breeds confusion?!

Being at home this week, its a bit strange. You expect to know everyone that you pass walking down the street, or in cars etc... it's just quite funny when someone thinks that they recognise you! Walking merrily down a very familiar road, I saw a car that I thought I recognised, so as you do you look into the car to see who's driving... so I did, and they looked back at me, I had no idea who they were but they beeped the horn and then waved as if this woman knew me, it was quite ironical, funny and a bit weird. today I must look like someone else.

phoenix

ASHES (embrace)
I've waited and given the chance again
I'd do it all the same but either way
I'm always out played up on your down days
I left in the right way to start again

Now watch me rise up and leave
all the ashes you made out of me
when you said that we were wrong, life goes on
just look at how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave
all the ashes you made out of me
when you said that we were wrong, life goes on
just look at how long I've agreed

Out of place like a gem on a coal face
lost on the right way, it's all the same
Cause I've had my hopes raised, right in the wrong ways
scared when you felt safe to start again

Now watch me rise up and leave
all the ashes you made out of me
when you said that we were wrong, life goes on
just look at how long I've agreed
Now watch me rise up and leave
all the ashes you made out of me
when you said that we were wrong, life goes on
just look at how long I've agreed

I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control
I sink like a stone, I lost my control

Love this song... just made me think that although we sometimes feel like we've been turned into ashes by people that we meet, people that just take us for a ride, and then get rid of us, we're not bound by these things, we can rise up out of them again, and although it takes a while, it will come.

bitten off more than I can chew?

Having a small problemma, a thing that people might call a block, a stunt, a wall, an obstacle, a motivational problem maybe.. whatever you'd like to call it, its haunting me!
So bad that it makes you bite your nails and worry, even to the extent of biting your lip and its a great way of doing other things like tidying your room or writing that letter or phoning that person that you were 'just about to do', I suppose I should be thankful for the way that it stimulates other reponses, for example making elaborate dishes to eat, or incessantly cleaning, everything other than what you're rally supposed to be doing... that 5 letter word that stirs fear into the hearts of students, the one that makes you shake, even if you've started it way before the due date, it still manages to terrify somehow! The realisation sinks in.... maybe I will never be able to do it, maybe I will never be able to understand... what if I've chosen the wrong question, what if I don't answer it? What if I think I've done well, to get my mark back and be totally gutted?
I think the answer is to give it a go, its only the first year, so what if you totally mess the first one up? It makes you look like a fool, yeah so what?!I suppose I need more confidence in myself and my abilities... thats why we're doing what we do? No? because we can, because we have to. Because we enjoy it?! Maybe the experience, but never the stress!

gleaning

you know you really shouldn't, you're parents told you to never eaves drop, but it can be the most amazingly hilarious experience of gleaning others conversations, I really feel it can stimulate your own imagination, I'm not being rude by gleaning, but it can give you ideas, ideas that are oxymoronically juxtaposed, so much so that you would never come up with it by yourself, your mind just doesnt work like that.

Gleaning also works with blogs (or should that be called skimming?) I think it's intriguing to walk into other people's lives, even if they're just words on a screen.

As a younger version of me, I was astonished by houses, as you walked down a long road, you are walking past different people's lives, which they seem to live in such small, confined spaces, I loved my job in the hospital because you could see how so many different people worked, and reacted to pain, discomfort (im not sadistic) and also happiness (at being let back home again!) there's so many emotions that were flying around at work, it was so intense that in a way you just began to absorb the differences; rather than question them and you yourself became a bit numbed to people passing away. That was the one thing that I could not stand in my job, people leaving us. Being there when someone took their last breath. You feel like someone who has intruded into a priviledge (?) reserved only for close loved ones of that person. I was annoyed that I wasnt that person for their comfort. ~So difficult. Learnt a lot though.

It's strange how my blog title was something totally different to what i'm talking about now, but I suppose sometimes its good to ramble, beacuse then you can truly sift off the mud out of your mind, and get to the grit, the thing that makes you tick, the incessant voice at the back of your mind which governs everything subconsciously, when that comes out, its a kind of shock, but something you have to say something you have to vent, even if to some it doesn't make sense.

time zones raah!

I was so chuffed with myself this morning, was meeting someone at 10, and I set my alarm for 9:15 (ish) and rushed around to get ready in time, I managed it with time to spare and was quite impressed with my time management! I walked all the way down to uni, to wait for my friend to walk to church with, waited til 10, thought it was a bit odd that she wasnt there, so I sent her a text message, then I looked at the report and it said 9:01 I was like ohhhhh! duh!- so I thought, oh, i'll go into the library, but no, doesnt open til 12! so I trecked all the way back to my room, and had some much needed breakfast!
Was slightly annoyed, but then again I spose I will get the hour back tomorrow as my body clock will still be quite messed up!!! hee hee

Why didn't anyone let me know?!?!
- love you all
!
x

Respecting the blog!

I suppose I should write after not writing since the start of this month, hopefuly when I get the net access in my room, this will become a more frequent thing!
Last night made me realise just how soon we put our trust in people we dont fully know. I had a practical joke played on me by a fellow member of my CU (not detrimental but annoying) I just couldnt believe that he's done it, but then I suppose like I said, we dont know these people, and our first impressions are generally moulded into something new, so its never good to judge upon them, but we all inherently do.
I then sat up til 3 am talking with one of my friends about this and a lot of other things, about life in general and boyfriends and things, and it really did help.
Thing is, none of it seemed out of character for that person, I just didnt expect it, so I wasnt ready for him to have a laugh at my expense...I suppose we learn from these things and can laugh about them myself in time to come (I enjoy a good laugh dont get me wrong!)
I suppose I better go, i'm in need of a good strong hot chocolate! and some food of some kind! :)
x

regrets and promises

naive-freda
todays advice, that I didnt take myself:
don't read old emails. they just tend to dredge up old feelings that you had forgotten, maybe deliberately or accidentally, but nevertheless, not wanting to re-live. I suppose everyone should keep their inboxes reasonably tidy(!)
I suppose in life there are sometimes too many regrets to mention, but then again there are so many new opportunities too, and they might inevitably pass you by if you don't pursue them, or can't see them for lack of insight and experience.
But I will make some promises, to be ambitious in my degree, always aiming higher (!) (if I can!) and getting the best possible result, whilst socialising a fair bit too! In hindsight (from previous promises made) these tend not to work, but I will endeavour to do this.
writing this after my first seminar of my degree, I suppose i'm still a bit excited about the course and havent got much work to do yet, so it seems ok, and i'm feeling quite positive but come december when i've got loads of work to hand in i'm sure I won't be so philosophical!
I've just had a seminar on sentence structures so i'm majorly analyzing my own, and they're not good!!!!!!!!!!! :) but hey ho! I'm sure I will learn!

Keep smiling :D

Here at last! :O)

naive-freda
I cant believe that i'm actually here now, I seem to live in the library (so missing the 24/7 access of net from n'ton uni!) Chester is absolutely gorgeous, and I'm meeting a lot of new people, my course will be starting sometime next week, with only 9 hours (1 hour of lectures!!!!!!!!!)

I went for a walk around the city walls last night with the christian union, which was quite fun. We stopped off half way round for a drink in a pub restaurant and this welsh guy (that was really drunk) started heckling us, the manager's kept coming out (but he wouldnt go away ) I think he was attracted by the music that was being played to the outside seating area! cos he kept coming up to dance too, to the songs that he liked. They evenutally called the police (I would have done so, but probably a bit earlier than them!) and inevitably (and luckily you could say) he left. What drama!

security in our fair land

naive-freda
It never ceases to amaze me how bad our security is in England, especially with the recent terorists attack on other countries such as 9/11 and in Russia, I mean do we actually feel safe?
I dont know whether I do!

NHS professions

naive-freda
Its amazing the amount of times people have told me today how I should be a nurse and how good I'd be at it etc... I'm not having second thoughts on English at all, because I know that if I don't do this then it will be a big regret. As someone said to me today English seems to be your passion and everyone has to be passionate about something. It's not like I don't love HCA'ing, its just that I can't see myself as a nurse for the rest of my life. But then again that might be me, I may not be able to find anything that I would be happy doing for the rest of my life! I think at somestage everything can become mundane but then I suppose thats what life is all about (as some say) its working through the daily grind.

I am so looking forward to going to Chester i'm scared of how excited I am! (does that make sense?!) I went to look around it the other week and absolutely loved it, when I went back home I actually missed it! Hopefully my going to Chester will help to clear my head and to get my life into a decent perspective, of what's important.

polite people

naive-freda
I have just come back from a weekend away, and it was really quite interesting to see lots of different personalities in one place. I suppose I'm talking about it now, because most of the time I hang round at this annual weekend reunion with some of my closer friends, but they werent there this year, so I made some new ones and this time it struck me how different everyone seemed to be(!)
Ok, so you have the polite people, who I really don't understand, because I like people to be honest and open and even blunt sometimes(!) I suppose I prefer people just to say what they think.
I feel insecure when I don't know where I stand with them, I cant read them as well as I can others!

various musings and wonderments

naive-freda
I just find it immensely interesting that as human beings we find it easier to express ourselves with 26 characters rather than use what I believe God has given us, to express ourselves. Shouldn't we be looking into more advanced things? being the 21st Century of technology, but yet, we still come back to this, to symbols, to standardised words that sometimes we can use majestically and beautifully, and yet at other times we can get tongue tied (far too many times this happens). and have verbal diarrhoea (yes, I know how to spell it now ;)
WE cannot even create new words, if we did in things such as essays, we would be marked down. What is therefore the point of expressing ourselves in words that someone has inevitably used before? These words, sentances, phrases, poems become second hand, there is nothing new under the sun.
Yet putting on an old pair of shoes, or talking with an old friend who truly knows you, is an invaluable thing (the latter obviously more important than the former!) and i'm not saying that it's like a second hand item, but maybe these symbols which we are so familiar with, become ingrained into our ways of thinking, as inevitably they will, and we become so accustomed to the words and phrases we know, that we stay in these well formed walls, and never venture outside them, with new advances in English, new boldness, new passion... we will never tire of speaking, writing, reading, singing, reading poetry or plays.

Word of the Day

naive-freda

I came across new word today which I thought was very cool, as I was at work, waiting in Pharmacy (on very comfortable chairs I must add) ...
and the word was Moustachioed- now, I looked it up and it must have been something he had made up which I was gutted about) because I wante to use it in an essay.

For the past weekend I have used the word awry (which my brother thought I had made up!) :O)

I think there should be a word of the day everyday, and you should all try and use it in your day to day living (it will be so beneficial to extend your vocabularies!!!! :)-& mine which I am sure has long since been stunted!

I'm worried about losing my accent when I go to uni, can anyone help?!?! :)

Expectations and things

I've always found life somewhat confusing, I mean I think mine came out back to front really. The expectations that people have (par exemple, teachers) are foccussed on what your parents expect from you, but my parents didn't really expect anything from me (academically), and in some ways this was liberating, in many other ways, it encroached on support issues (generally feeling a great lack of ) especially in things like higher education, and I think I have aimed to rebel against this and just show them and myself what I am capable of achieving. Whereas my Gran has always encouraged me to go that bit further, study that bit harder reach that expectation in a fuller way, and to this day I don't know whether the things I have achieved are from me rebellling, or being encouraged by my Gran. Maybe it's been neither influence, and I don't really know what I want it to be either!

birth of naive-freda

I hereby name this blog spot, naive-freda.

I hear you say why.... well I suppose really it stems from my own frame of mind at this point in time (and also fred bloggs is too masculine for me :)

Over this past year I have learnt a lot about life in general, what really matters and what doesn't. I am hoping that through this outlet I can say what I really want to say about life, and share it with you lovely people!

I am justbeginning to understand that I know nothing, and that the people who think they know everything, really don't.

All this depressing-ness leads me onto what's real in life and what is worthwhile. Like Phil Yancey says, you cant have pleasure without the pain. I think i'm just waiting for the pleasure now.