I normally like pickles, but not when I'm in one!

So, I apply for around 20 teaching assistant jobs, and hear nothing back from any of them, then I apply for three jobs last week (not teaching assistant ones) and hear back from two about interviews, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT? I mean that's mental!
So, I hear you say, well done, brilliant, but the crux of the matter is that one of the interviews is next week, during the only week of our holiday (and we're in Keswick) and we have to get back to Stoke, well the outskirts of Crewe to be precise, which will take us (I say us because I can't drive) 2 hours and 40 minutes, including the fact that we have to come out of our holiday to commute to a potentially stressful situation. One option is to try and get public transport down, the other is to drag Craig away from his only week's holiday to make him do a four hour commute for me and for him to miss out on a day's worth of stuff. I am willing to come down on my own, and there may be potential there, but other than that I have no real idea as to how I could do this! Help?!

Fantasmagorical

I must admit that I have borrowed this from somewhere, but I just wanted to be able to remember this so that someday if we ever have children, we can re-capture the magic of this photo and re-create it, to give them an amazing memory

when you knock, wait for someone to answer!

Our Mr. Landlord (who by all means is very nice normally) came around unannounced today to measure our french doors because they are basically crap and need replacing. I don't know whether he thinks of us as small children but he sure treats us like it. Firstly, Craig rings to tell him about the French doors and then Craig arranges a time for him to come round... Friday. Today is Thursday. He turns up, knowing that he can't get in to do anything but wanders around the back of the garden to measure the french doorsfrom the outside. Then he tells me that Craig had the keys so he couldn't do anything today. It breaches the contract when it says that the tennant should be able to enjoy the property, he is therefore trespassing surely. He is being so rude, and it's so belittling, he is patronising us and forcing us to think about the end of our tennancy. I tell you what sunny jim, we will leave when we want to, and even if you pushed the other couple out, you can't do the same for us. I am so mad angry. He then proceeded to knock on the windows rather than the front door, he should have just knocked, and then waited like any other sane person. I could have been ill and lying there in my pj's in a duvet for all he knew. He can't just come around and do this.

bleurgh!

This de ja vous is becoming so depressing; the same monotonous voice rings in my head: no post today. I don't know what I expect to come through the post, maybe a confirmation letter or at least a letter of acknowledgement that I've actually spent time completing an application form to send in to your establishment, but I unfortunately have not been successful at this time... In the month that we have been here the only job I've got a response from was the recruitment offices that I've signed on to. I have three weeks work in a special school as a temp receptionist until the end of term as the person before was bored out of his tree (so it seemed from his previous emails that were not destroyed inform me). I know there are people in a worse situation, and I am only small, I don't take up too much room, you can put me in the corner of a house and leave me if you wish, I don't eat copious amounts, I don't spend much, if at all anything, so I am quite easy to keep. I just wish I had a fulfilling job that was full time, or the equivalent to full time pay so that we could start saving and actually accomplish things in our life that we want to do. It gets you down, I know it's only for a time and I do have my more positive days, this one is swinging in that direction of positivity, it's just I'm getting a little tired of my own potential not being used to its fullest. I know what potential I have, and I wish someone else would see that in me and hire me to do a challenging job that I could handle and show off my best aspects. I want to know the best thing I am good at, and just go for it. I want to go back to when I was smaller, when I had more time to think what I wanted to do with my life, and try different things out like art and writing, and an internship at a publishers or an advertising company, so I wouldn't be stuck here knowing what I could have done and achieved and regretting it.

Ready

I don't know why this has come about, but maybe it was amixture of things that I have done today. I feel ready to move on now. I think it has to do with dropping the stuff that I've been carrying for a while and being ready to pick something else up. I am ready to be me again. I think I have been trying to be me for a while now but not knowing how really, but now I've remembered or it's been given to me, I feel that I can be me again!
It's taken a few years, and some healing and a lot of writing too, but I feel there, at the brink of an adventure. I think it was a mixture of writing the first blog of today (which is now at the count of 3!) and that had a cathartic affect on me. Then I went to tidy up some things, which always helps your own state of mind and motivation, and then I worshipped God which also helps! And then I re-read the beginnings of this blog that was 6 years ago! Man that was a long time! And now I am writing this! I feel that the occasion should be marked in some way! I don't know how though. Maybe at some point i'll have a little celebratory drink or something!
I feel freer than I have done in a while, free from my own past and decisions that took me down a deviated path, but now I feel like I've learnt some more things that have been beneficial to me at this point in time so that I can finally move on! I may well read this back in a couple of years or so and chuckle to myself at the way that I wrote I feel like I've learnt things, as I re-read my earliest blogs on here today I said that I had learnt a lot of things, but I suppose you are still learning all the time, and you can't expect to know everything anyway, no one will!
I can't believe I've blogged three times in one day. I want a holiday!!!!!!!!!! - just a random thought, not just because of the amount of work that it takes to write three blogs!!! :o)

worshipful

Shaking like a leaf
Afraid to lift my eyes
Afraid of all your glory
Ashamed of all my pride
Then you call me in
To your holy place
I fall down,
Down on my face

And I'm begging you for mercy
And I'm begging you to forget everything that I've ever done
And I, I, I, I tremble
And I, I, I, I, tremble

I am just a man
Showered in your grace
You're the Holy God
Your glory fills this place...

(Audio Adrenaline Tremble)

__________________________________________________________

I need your love,
Like a desert needs the rain
I need your touch
Like the fire needs a flame
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know

Heaven

Come cover me, like the ocean meets the shore
Shine on my life
Like the morning steals the night
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you O Lord,
Is heaven I want to know,
One moment without you near
Is heartache I cannot bear
A lifetime with you
Is heaven I want to know.

Heaven.

(Heaven by Hillsong United)
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Two beautiful songs of worship that I was listening to, and wanted to share with anyone who came across this blog by accident. The first had got me thinking about the prevous blog that I wrote, we should all be in a state where we are trembling at the awesome Name of God, let alone anything else. Secondly, the song entitled Heaven is just a beautifully written one, comprising of a longing to be with God and poetic lyrics, it's one of my favourite worship songs.

Treadmill thoughts

I feel like some sort of sadist, I keep re-visiting other people's hurts and play all the possibilities I can think of, over in my mind as to how something like that happened. They were the perfect couple it seemed, a really well loved couple that most if not every other couple looked up to. I know I did. They were eloquent, new, fun, creative and passionate to see miracles and live for God. Now they are a broken family, one with two children and the other with a strange re-wiring of his brain; how can one person do a total flip and then not even land in the asme place, but somewhere different to where he began? That's the only way I can get my head around it at the moment. And I don't even feel like I should be thinking or writing about this subject, I mean he was only a friend, but it has affected me so much and that is why I write, to purge all ideas and things from running treadmill like in my head (the point goes over and over in my brain but because I don't understand it, the thought goes nowhere and I end up covering the same ground over and over and over till I'm so tired of it that I will myself to forget but then confusion and curiosity rise up like unwanted cousins and pull me onto it again). I doubt I will ever get any clarity on the situation as I'm not likely to veer communicate with him again, and if I were to, I probaly would never broach the subject. But I feel in some way that I  bought into the franchise of what he was offering; a new experience with God on a relational level that was exciting. His passion and charisma were intoxicating and you could never get enough of what he was saying, I wanted to read every thought and musing and collect them all in a little bag for safe keeping. But when I look back now, how much of it was true? I mean to say that whatever he went through to get to the stage he is at now is a totally different place to where he began, and so was there any validity in his thoughts or musings? If there was no validity behind it, then the time and effort spent absorbing it becomes wasted and foul smelling. Forgive me for this crude outburst, but I am still trying, in vain to get it sorted into my own head how this happened, which I admitted before that I would probably never know, but I am an external thinker and I sometimes need to get it out there, even if no one else reads this, I think it will be a fairly beneficial exercise to complete. So there you go, selfish reasons! Anywhoo, back to the subject at hand. I feel that if I don't have an answer about it, then it will keep going round and round in my head with no resolution. I still don't know why he did it. Why would you leave something which was full of promise and hope and joy and love and future for something which has no joy but fleeting lustful bursts of satisfaction, no stability, no love, no future, no hope and no promise? Does he even realise these things? I hope and pray that he does. He has left all of this in an attempt to find himself, to be selfish? To be loved by many? To experience different partners in an attempt to find something that he already had, but was much better? For a person that was so intellectual surely this is a truly stupid thing to have done. But I am judging and that isn't right. I shouldn't judge. It really has taught me a lot about having role models, people who you think you can second guess their every move can sometimes really shock you. You sometimes get what you wish for; she wished always for true love which in my opinion can only come from God, and what happens? What she thought was true love was taken away from her. You would not want to ask and pray for that because as we know, if you ask for patience, God gives you a situation that you can be patient with (a trying situation) if you ask for more love, then He will often give us an unloving situation that will cause us to choose to love, etc etc, so you would never ask for true love... for the truest of loves comes from God and we are all sinful in comparrison, so we will never be able to experience true love unless it is from God; and so He might allow us to realise this through many ways and maybe that is what happened, everything was stripped away so that she could realise that her only true love was indeed from God.
But surely it was not fair to bring about a downfall for this to be made clear? Obviously I am not God so I have no idea the ultimate reason that this happened. I pray that I will be able to lay it down as it's clearly not healthy to be thinking about it as much as I do. This has helped me to be able to purge myself of thoughts, and its kind of helpful also that no one reads this as it is really judgmental. I'm sorry if anyone does indeed read it, and know of the people involved. I never wanted to be incriminating or point the finger at anyone, but I needed to get it out there.
Thanks for reading!