Do you know what the worst thing about holidays is? The fact that you miss people from uni. You can miss not just the people but the place, and teh speed of life being different, and also the fact that Craig is just around the corner at uni, whereas here, he's like 100 miles away (just) which is rubbish. I know that I can't do anything about it, and I will see him on the 27th til the New Year, but somehow thats just not enough! I still really miss him, and all my other friends at uni. In Aylesbury loads of my friends have either gone to uni, or have moved away from Aylesbury, whatever the reason, I just don't see them, so its quite lonely here.
The fact that I know I should be doing uni work doesn't help very much either, especially when you don't feel in a working mood, or you get out of a routine, and quite enjoy watching the telly and doing nothing but niggling at the back of your mind are the three essays that need to be started, the notes that need to be made, the books that need to be written, the questions that inevitably need answering. All this and I need to actually have a holiday (or a sense of one!) and enjoy that, and also do some work at the hospital, and go and see Craig (which is wrapped up in having a hoiday) So its all a bit of a juggling act really. And, Bex, I am getting a tad addicted to blogging; its the first thing I check when I come on the internet, and its the thing that I'm doing now at least once a day it seems- I mean its nowhere near at an addictive stage as it is with you ;) - in the nicest way possible- but I could see it getting that way.
So I hope everyone's Christmasses are giong well, and that we're all having fun and a jolly festive time!
Happy Christmas!
Thursday, December 22
6 months later!
After 6 months of applying to be a bank HCA, I have FINALLY got my first shift tomorrow...scared? nah....more like petrified!
Things that are running through my head:
* What if I screw up?
* What if I don't enjoy it anymore?
* What if I can't do it anymore?
* What if they don't like me/ I don't like them?!
I know these are all 'what if's' but they're still scary! I want to be able to go into a nice atmosphere, a nice working one, and be able to work my hardest and best at it, and to be able to enjoy it (I'm working on the EMU ward which stands for Emergency Medical Unit) which is like a slower version of A&E, the good thing about this is that after working here I can, in affect work anywhere in the Hospital, but the bad thing about it is that if you miss something important then you're in big trouble. I also hope that I manage to survive the shift without falling down because of exhaustion at the end of it!
I am actually looking forward to it too, I hope my work for uni can stand up to this (as in, I hope that I can actually do some work during the holidays!) so I can get on top of the work load. That will be good!
Things that are running through my head:
* What if I screw up?
* What if I don't enjoy it anymore?
* What if I can't do it anymore?
* What if they don't like me/ I don't like them?!
I know these are all 'what if's' but they're still scary! I want to be able to go into a nice atmosphere, a nice working one, and be able to work my hardest and best at it, and to be able to enjoy it (I'm working on the EMU ward which stands for Emergency Medical Unit) which is like a slower version of A&E, the good thing about this is that after working here I can, in affect work anywhere in the Hospital, but the bad thing about it is that if you miss something important then you're in big trouble. I also hope that I manage to survive the shift without falling down because of exhaustion at the end of it!
I am actually looking forward to it too, I hope my work for uni can stand up to this (as in, I hope that I can actually do some work during the holidays!) so I can get on top of the work load. That will be good!
Wednesday, December 21
...and that's what we call CLOSURE!!!
For a long time the only thing that had been bugging me about Matt was the fact that I just had no clue as to what he was doing, and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but to me it annoyed me at times, and made me curious.
And then out of the blue he texts me the other day, and although I had no clue as to what to do at the start, I know that I don't want to keep in touch with him, and that I don't want him anywhere near me or Craig or anyone else that I care about because of his destructive nature, I asked him what he was doing and how his r'ship with his mum was like now etc...all the things that really used to get on my nerves (only when they came into my head, which was very rarely!).
So, he's doing what he was gonna do all alog, which is good, he's studying and I have no idea of his mental status, but it seems more firm than it has been. The thing with him is that he has such an addictive personality that it makes you want to keep in contact with him, and like a drug it has withdrawal symptoms along with it too.
I'm glad that he's doing what he wants, but I have no desire to keep in touch with him.
But then thats closure isn't it- a bringing to an end, a conclusion.
I just needed it, like sometimes we need to hear the word sorry even if its such a massive thing that the other person has done, if they had never apologised for it then it would be bugging me for ages. So there it is- its been closed.
And then out of the blue he texts me the other day, and although I had no clue as to what to do at the start, I know that I don't want to keep in touch with him, and that I don't want him anywhere near me or Craig or anyone else that I care about because of his destructive nature, I asked him what he was doing and how his r'ship with his mum was like now etc...all the things that really used to get on my nerves (only when they came into my head, which was very rarely!).
So, he's doing what he was gonna do all alog, which is good, he's studying and I have no idea of his mental status, but it seems more firm than it has been. The thing with him is that he has such an addictive personality that it makes you want to keep in contact with him, and like a drug it has withdrawal symptoms along with it too.
I'm glad that he's doing what he wants, but I have no desire to keep in touch with him.
But then thats closure isn't it- a bringing to an end, a conclusion.
I just needed it, like sometimes we need to hear the word sorry even if its such a massive thing that the other person has done, if they had never apologised for it then it would be bugging me for ages. So there it is- its been closed.
Monday, December 19
mouse up-date!
...by the way... update on the mouse thing... one has been caught (humanely I might add!) and freed (onto a central reservation outside my house!!!) we're not sure if there's another one lurking in the house, but at least the mouse-trap works, we thought that it wouldn't and that the mouse was too clever for it, but no!
Grasping hold of God
I think i'm quite different at uni than I am at home, i've realised some things about myself that I couldn't have done while I was in Aylesbury, and this has so helped with my self esteem (of which I used to have quite substantial problems with)- nothing detrimental, just enough to let it ruin parts of your life.
I would say that I'm not good at knowing myself fully, I mean I knowa lot of things that I would do in certain situations, but then sometimes I don't know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I think when you focus on your weaknesses you can lose sight of your strengths. Lets put this into language you can understand, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, and I hate it, but in a way I like it too, I like being able to get away with the least amount of effort and produce something good out of it, and I'm not a planner as you would acll one, I have thoughts in my mind about certain things, but I know that if I plan too much and it all falls apart then i feel sad, and so I use my procrastination as a sense of self defence, as in 'I didn't take too much care about it so I expected that result' sort of thing. I know that this is so dangerous because you end up being let down quite a lot of the time, I mean I wouldn't let my friends down as much as I let myself down (if that makes sense)
I think you need to be true to yourself, not just knowing stuff about yourself, but actively doing something about the faults, and working on the things that you're good at. I felt bad even when I do things good at times, because you think that people expect something back from you, and so you feel that the other person might think there's an ulterior motive behind what you're doing when there's not, but I think i've come to think about that in a different way- I know what intention I had at the time of doing something good for someone else, and so I know that God will see it that way too, no matter what the other person may think or act like. Maybe I think too much about these things.
Anywhoo! I just have been realising that some people who think that they know you, really probably don't, so don't expect them to know whats the best for you or other things in your life that you might think are important to you, aren't to them, so what, I think that you should just be yourself with good and bad points, ust go for it. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I did something good, or something different, so when I was younger I wouldn't do those things, and I wish I had, because I would have learnt so much from them, if I'd have just taken the chance and not been weighed down by what others would think of me, but there ya go, can't go back in time. I used to feel that if I had the same idea as someone else, and they'd done it first that I would just be seen to be copying them, I hated that comparrison, so rather than doing the things that I thought, or the things that I wanted to, I just wouldn't do them.
I suppose in a way i'm like that now too. I don't think i'm good enough to do certain things, so I leave them well alone, until someone comes up to me and actually either makes me do them, I wont give them a go. Take for example HCA, I thought I could do it, but then I had doubts abot it, but I tried it, and loved doing that job, also with small group leading, I never thought I would be able to do something like that, but I love doing it and giving my time up for it, and the people that are in my group, and just working on those relationships and gaining deeper friendships from just being with them.
I think that this term, admist the workload which has been really tough for me to grasp hold of, God has been teaching me to broaden my horizons, not to think what I can do alone, but what God acn do though me. Craig, unknowingly has been challenging me about that too, which has been good, but also hard to hear, because I knew that I didn't want to do anything about it.
Anyway, I really do think that my organisational skills are improving slightly! And I hope that they continue to do so!!!!!!! about the raving ranting thing, I just needed to vent it I suppose!
I would say that I'm not good at knowing myself fully, I mean I knowa lot of things that I would do in certain situations, but then sometimes I don't know my strengths as much as my weaknesses. I think when you focus on your weaknesses you can lose sight of your strengths. Lets put this into language you can understand, I am the biggest procrastinator in the world, and I hate it, but in a way I like it too, I like being able to get away with the least amount of effort and produce something good out of it, and I'm not a planner as you would acll one, I have thoughts in my mind about certain things, but I know that if I plan too much and it all falls apart then i feel sad, and so I use my procrastination as a sense of self defence, as in 'I didn't take too much care about it so I expected that result' sort of thing. I know that this is so dangerous because you end up being let down quite a lot of the time, I mean I wouldn't let my friends down as much as I let myself down (if that makes sense)
I think you need to be true to yourself, not just knowing stuff about yourself, but actively doing something about the faults, and working on the things that you're good at. I felt bad even when I do things good at times, because you think that people expect something back from you, and so you feel that the other person might think there's an ulterior motive behind what you're doing when there's not, but I think i've come to think about that in a different way- I know what intention I had at the time of doing something good for someone else, and so I know that God will see it that way too, no matter what the other person may think or act like. Maybe I think too much about these things.
Anywhoo! I just have been realising that some people who think that they know you, really probably don't, so don't expect them to know whats the best for you or other things in your life that you might think are important to you, aren't to them, so what, I think that you should just be yourself with good and bad points, ust go for it. I used to be scared of what people would think of me if I did something good, or something different, so when I was younger I wouldn't do those things, and I wish I had, because I would have learnt so much from them, if I'd have just taken the chance and not been weighed down by what others would think of me, but there ya go, can't go back in time. I used to feel that if I had the same idea as someone else, and they'd done it first that I would just be seen to be copying them, I hated that comparrison, so rather than doing the things that I thought, or the things that I wanted to, I just wouldn't do them.
I suppose in a way i'm like that now too. I don't think i'm good enough to do certain things, so I leave them well alone, until someone comes up to me and actually either makes me do them, I wont give them a go. Take for example HCA, I thought I could do it, but then I had doubts abot it, but I tried it, and loved doing that job, also with small group leading, I never thought I would be able to do something like that, but I love doing it and giving my time up for it, and the people that are in my group, and just working on those relationships and gaining deeper friendships from just being with them.
I think that this term, admist the workload which has been really tough for me to grasp hold of, God has been teaching me to broaden my horizons, not to think what I can do alone, but what God acn do though me. Craig, unknowingly has been challenging me about that too, which has been good, but also hard to hear, because I knew that I didn't want to do anything about it.
Anyway, I really do think that my organisational skills are improving slightly! And I hope that they continue to do so!!!!!!! about the raving ranting thing, I just needed to vent it I suppose!
The seven things saga
seven things to do before I die:
1) Get married
2) Have kids
3) Watch them grow up- be a mum
4) Go to New Zealand and visit my family
5) Get a reasonable degree!
6) Write an article/poem/book in a reputable newspaper/magazine/publisher!
7) Go to Africa and help out there somehow
Seven things I cannot do:
1) Keep my opinion to myself
2) Be as organised as I'd like to be
3) Go back in time
4) Go forward in time
5) Maths!
6) Fly unaided
7) Whistle really loudly by using your fingers in mouth
Seven things I say most often:
1) cool
2) ace
3) wow
4) whatever
5) man alive
6) moose
7) dime bar
Seven books I love
1) Chronicles of Narnia (esp.Lion Witch and Wardrobe)
2) Frankenstein
3) Revelations
4) Enid Blyton(-NOT SECRET 7 OR FAMOUS 5!)
5) Ephesians
6) Philippians
7) Romans
Seven Films I could watch over and over again:
1) The Truman Show
2) Mrs. Doubtfire
3) Good Will Hunting
4) Minority Report
5) Mary Poppins
6) Alice in Wonderland
7) 1&2 of Home Alone
Seven songs I love at the mo:
1) Madonna's new one
2) Dirty Harry- by Gorillaz
3) Third Day song, can't rem the name!
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Deliriou5- Majesty
6) Audio Adrenaline Ocean Floor
7) Audience of One by Big Daddy something or other!
Seven People to do this next:
1) David Beattie
2) Daniel Mace
3) Emma Oldham
4) Craig Wakeling
to be honest I don't know who else would actually do it! lol
1) Get married
2) Have kids
3) Watch them grow up- be a mum
4) Go to New Zealand and visit my family
5) Get a reasonable degree!
6) Write an article/poem/book in a reputable newspaper/magazine/publisher!
7) Go to Africa and help out there somehow
Seven things I cannot do:
1) Keep my opinion to myself
2) Be as organised as I'd like to be
3) Go back in time
4) Go forward in time
5) Maths!
6) Fly unaided
7) Whistle really loudly by using your fingers in mouth
Seven things I say most often:
1) cool
2) ace
3) wow
4) whatever
5) man alive
6) moose
7) dime bar
Seven books I love
1) Chronicles of Narnia (esp.Lion Witch and Wardrobe)
2) Frankenstein
3) Revelations
4) Enid Blyton(-NOT SECRET 7 OR FAMOUS 5!)
5) Ephesians
6) Philippians
7) Romans
Seven Films I could watch over and over again:
1) The Truman Show
2) Mrs. Doubtfire
3) Good Will Hunting
4) Minority Report
5) Mary Poppins
6) Alice in Wonderland
7) 1&2 of Home Alone
Seven songs I love at the mo:
1) Madonna's new one
2) Dirty Harry- by Gorillaz
3) Third Day song, can't rem the name!
4) Bohemian Rhapsody
5) Deliriou5- Majesty
6) Audio Adrenaline Ocean Floor
7) Audience of One by Big Daddy something or other!
Seven People to do this next:
1) David Beattie
2) Daniel Mace
3) Emma Oldham
4) Craig Wakeling
to be honest I don't know who else would actually do it! lol
Thursday, December 1
YHWH
During the past term within CU we have been studying the different Names of God. It has been so awesome (quite literally) and has helped everyone to gain a greter understanding of how Big and beyond God is from us, but yet so near.
We focussed on
Rohi- Shepherd
El-Shaddai- Almighty
Adonai- Master
Shaphat- Judge
Alpha and Omega- purely a name for Jesus
Shalom- God is peace
Yaweh
And one other (that I can't remember at the moment!) but the last one we looked at on Tuesday, Yaweh was just amazing.
We looked at the way in which God's Name is wrapped up in Who he is, what he does and how he acts, so when we pray 'in His Name' it should never be said as a tag on line at the end of a prayer, or as a seal of approval, knowing that God will have to answer this one because I said 'in his name.'
The Jews (I think) was trying to encapsulate the reverence of God's name by the way in which they used it. They would never have put the vowels into YHWH, as a sign of respect, and awe, and the fact that they know that God is beyond, and cannot be named. That is why God gives us so many different names for Jesus, and God and the Holy Spirit within the bible, because thats just a small part of who God is, represented to us in those names so we can gain a greater understanding of the facets of God(!)
There are over 300 different names for God in the bible, and each one shows a different aspect of him, so we can call upon God's name. But we also need to realise that we can never call one name for God, so why do we pray using one name?!
This really challenged me to use different names of God to pray, and when I used them, not to use them as a filler, or a thinking word, but when I use it to mean what I say.
If you want to listen to the talk that was on YHWH (I really recommend it!) you can download it at my friends website (or listen online) it will hopefuly really encourage you.
its a bit big to read, but its such a cool site
http://www.fakerepublic.com/fake/2005/11a_name_that_can.html#more
We focussed on
Rohi- Shepherd
El-Shaddai- Almighty
Adonai- Master
Shaphat- Judge
Alpha and Omega- purely a name for Jesus
Shalom- God is peace
Yaweh
And one other (that I can't remember at the moment!) but the last one we looked at on Tuesday, Yaweh was just amazing.
We looked at the way in which God's Name is wrapped up in Who he is, what he does and how he acts, so when we pray 'in His Name' it should never be said as a tag on line at the end of a prayer, or as a seal of approval, knowing that God will have to answer this one because I said 'in his name.'
The Jews (I think) was trying to encapsulate the reverence of God's name by the way in which they used it. They would never have put the vowels into YHWH, as a sign of respect, and awe, and the fact that they know that God is beyond, and cannot be named. That is why God gives us so many different names for Jesus, and God and the Holy Spirit within the bible, because thats just a small part of who God is, represented to us in those names so we can gain a greater understanding of the facets of God(!)
There are over 300 different names for God in the bible, and each one shows a different aspect of him, so we can call upon God's name. But we also need to realise that we can never call one name for God, so why do we pray using one name?!
This really challenged me to use different names of God to pray, and when I used them, not to use them as a filler, or a thinking word, but when I use it to mean what I say.
If you want to listen to the talk that was on YHWH (I really recommend it!) you can download it at my friends website (or listen online) it will hopefuly really encourage you.
its a bit big to read, but its such a cool site
http://www.fakerepublic.com/fake/2005/11a_name_that_can.html#more
in the midst
In the midst of our courses,
He is here
In the midst of our stress,
He is surveying the ground in front of us,
In the midst of our lives,
He is the reason
In the midst of our failings,
He is the arms which we fall into
He is here
In the midst of our stress,
He is surveying the ground in front of us,
In the midst of our lives,
He is the reason
In the midst of our failings,
He is the arms which we fall into
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