Lies that I have been told part 1

Here are three lies that I have been told:
- school is the best time of your life
- you can't learn anything from television
- you won't be able to do your A Level's, you should just get a job

These three sentences hold massive sway over who I was, what I do and what I am now. This is a huge realisation in my life, a moment of great clarity which will hopefully help me in seeing myself a bit clearer, because I have found that in life so far my biggest weak point is not knowing myself, namely how I feel/ think at the time and what my biggest ambition is in life. For some reason I have been waiting all this time for someone just to come up to me and to speak into my life, to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, because at the moment I am putting myself on hold, not living, but waiting to live, waiting for the 'green light' to be shone on my situation, telling me the next step and direction and letting me know that everything down that road is safe.
Yes, I am scared. I am not only scared of my past stopping me from being who God has designed me to be (which is the best version I can be of myself, living life to the fullest) and I am scared of failing, of trying something that doesn't fit and then facing the consequences of my poor decision (and this is due to past mistakes in judgment on my part).

I'm not going to tackle all three sentences, but just one tonight:
the lie that television can teach you nothing.

When I was growing up my mum was hard of hearing and so I think for a bit of a break she used to put me in front of the television screen. So my earliest memories consist of various television programmes and cartoons. It was my baby-sitter, and later it became my friend. It was there when I needed to believe I was elsewhere, outside of my own situation, making friends with the characters that were on tv, and learning, yes learning life lessons from storylines that they were given.

To date I think the most poignant life-lessons I've learnt are amazingly from a television series that is on at the moment called Being Erica. It's not really well known and it's normally on television at an annoying time (11pm) so I catch it on the internet and re-watch all the episodes that I inevitably miss. This gives me charge over when I want to watch them, making the name of the service 'on demand' quite fitting (which is what I'm sure it was supposed to be!)

I have always been fascinated in time travel and the chance and opportunity to change your own past, and the repercussions that happen from your changed decisions. The biggest question that I have asked in life had been 'what if'
Here are some examples from my past:
- what if I'd have chosen Art A level instead of Biology (which I got a 'U' in)?
- what if I hadn't had met my ex who messed me up and gave me lots of baggage to deal with?
- what if I hadn't gone to Northampton?
- what if I hadn't gone to Chester?
- what if I got a better degree mark than I did?
- what if I could truly realise my potential and use it?

All these what if's cloud me from doing and being in the present. When I'm having a hard day I dwell on these things, these questions, I think I'm better than what I am, what I'm doing at the moment, where I am in life etc... and these thoughts are dangerous as they paralyse me and stop me trying, because in my eyes trying is never as good as achieving, and man I want to achieve. I want to earn the accolades without putting in the work and time and effort, I want to arrive without having to go on the journey. I want everything handed to me on a golden plate, and I am unwilling to try anymore as I have done in the past and have failed, and it's been painful trying to pick up all the broken pieces and fit them back into my life. It just hasn't worked. And no wonder really, because I'm different now than what I was before. We're supposed to grow through situations and circumstances, things that are hard and difficult are supposed to mold you into being a better person, making you into a stronger person.

So, I'll get back to the main point of this blog- that tv can teach you something. Watching Being Erica is like having free therapy sessions. As I watch there is a Dr that always has these witty one liners and quotes that come from learned academics and forward thinkers and I take these on board and they soak into my mind as things that I can learn from. Tonight's episode was dealing with a person's biggest regret, how would it change their life if they went back and handled things differently? This character did go back and handle the situation differently and he woke up to 'the present' with a brand new house, new car, beautiful wife, and beautiful baby, and he was a self employed landscaper (which was his dream job). But he realised that none of this was real, he hadn't earned it, he didn't remember getting married or having his first child, it was just given to him and he was there to accept it. He went back into his reality of watching tv and being in a bit of a dead end job that related in a small way to what he wanted to do (which was gardening) and he couldn't see a way out. His past was holding him back so much that he thought he didn't have enough time to change the situation and to realise what he needed to do to better himself. So he wakes up to this realisation at last, and knows what he needs to do, and then goes for it. He's back in college studying to be a landscape gardener, and we applaud him for 'getting his life back on track' as it were.

The thing is I am that person. That character. I am letting my past get the better of me- all these lies at the beginning of this blog, I can directly link to different aspects of my life and psyche that hold me back from being who I truly am.

This is who I truly am:
A confident person who excels in everything she does. A person who is intelligent and kind, helpful, self sufficient, independent, wise, creative, beautiful, fashionable, a painter, a poet, a writer, a composer, an inventor. A person who sees injustice and does something about it. A person who wants for nothing but to help others. A kind and caring person who can change her little world, building friendships and challenging and encouraging others in their relationships.

This, I believe is a part of what God sees in me; the whole truth of how God sees me is so far from what I can even imagine that I could never grasp it enough or catch hold of it for long enough without it floating out of my mind and off of the page. As ' my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so high are my ways above yours' (my paraphrase)

I am that person who is held back by their past, and I want to be released from it before it consumes my time so much that I am 80 and look back and realise I have not done the things that I was called to do in my life.

But where do I go from here?

Aparently I need to begin to climb my obstacles that I've put in the way/ or have been put in my way and from then on, one step by one step, I should conquer them.

This is what I would like to do:
- pass my driving test
- write a book
- change a life
- do some charity work
- live in another country
- have a family
- be a good wife
- be a good mum
- learn how to live life to the fullest and help others to do so
- learn how to reach the potential that God has placed within me, fulfilling dreams and ideas.

I want to be a tree bearing fruit.