Hard Decisions

It all began last November. It was during my best friend's birthday party. Basically for some reason I had thought that she was only inviting me and the hub and then a close mutual friend for an intimate party. Unbeknownst to me, she had invited about 4 other people who I had absolutely no idea who they were. At that moment an alarm went off in my head, and a slowlyticking timer had begun. I knew at the moment when I walked into the room, that our friendship was on it's last legs. It hurt to see. And all evening I was fighting against what I knew to be true, that our friendship would peter out, and the thing that I thought would last forever, had a sell by date on it. It took me a good few weeks after that party to get my head around what had happened. I had seen my best friend move on, and wow it hurt.
They came down for my birthday, my best friend and her hub. We had a lovely evening, I made a meal which was enjoyed and we played poker. There was an unnuttered conversation happening between me and my best friend that evening that was a slow realisation between us of what was happening. I knew things would never be the same after the birthday, but I think when it came round to my birthday, that's when it was realised by her.
And now we booked togo on holiday together. I have just sent the cheque in for the full deposit. It's mine and thehubs only real summer holiday this year, except for my brother's wedding which I am looking forward to immensely. Thing is, now that we both know what's going on, it's going to be difficult to be around each other and it not to come out. It won't be the same as last year, which I think is what Craig thinks it will be like. I have a feeling it's not only going to be truly awkward but that there's this big elephant in the room which none of us have talked about. We're both too polite to do it. We have hardly spoken since she came to visit. We used to meet up about once a week.
I think this will be our last holiday this year all together. And it is like breaking up with someone.
Thing is, we can't lie to each other, but are we going to carry on this farcical behaviour?

That's a tough decision.

Decisions Decisions

So now we live in BB and we're going to be looking at a terrace rental for nearly half the price of what we're paying now... which is potentially saving us an extra 3K a year. Only thing is now we have a garage, two gardens and although we live pretty away from civilisation, we live nearer the country, we have no pollution in the air (it is very fresh) and we can sit out in our garden, we have space between the houses, and we have a hallway. In this terrace house we're going to look at today it is closer to civilisation and closer to Sainsbury's which is nicer in our opinion that Tescos, it is also closer to the shops and in a nicer area which is close to the city centre and church. So we will be saving money on petrol too. It's just that we wont have as much room now. It would have been better to go from our 1 bedroom flat to this terrace house but we have been spoilt with the size of the one we're in. Our landlord doesn't know that we're looking to move, which is another problem. The terrace has the front door opening into the lounge, they already have sofa's there which will save us money once again because we wont need to buy any new ones. The terrace house is right next to our neighbours, there is no space in between. There are lots of things to think about. We are looking around it today and praying that it will meet our needs and we would be able to have people stay at our house still. I'm kinda ready to move though as BB hasn't been kind to us, but God is always good. He has blessed us during our difficult times and he has blessed us in the good times too. We are so thankful.

Lies that I have been told part 1

Here are three lies that I have been told:
- school is the best time of your life
- you can't learn anything from television
- you won't be able to do your A Level's, you should just get a job

These three sentences hold massive sway over who I was, what I do and what I am now. This is a huge realisation in my life, a moment of great clarity which will hopefully help me in seeing myself a bit clearer, because I have found that in life so far my biggest weak point is not knowing myself, namely how I feel/ think at the time and what my biggest ambition is in life. For some reason I have been waiting all this time for someone just to come up to me and to speak into my life, to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, because at the moment I am putting myself on hold, not living, but waiting to live, waiting for the 'green light' to be shone on my situation, telling me the next step and direction and letting me know that everything down that road is safe.
Yes, I am scared. I am not only scared of my past stopping me from being who God has designed me to be (which is the best version I can be of myself, living life to the fullest) and I am scared of failing, of trying something that doesn't fit and then facing the consequences of my poor decision (and this is due to past mistakes in judgment on my part).

I'm not going to tackle all three sentences, but just one tonight:
the lie that television can teach you nothing.

When I was growing up my mum was hard of hearing and so I think for a bit of a break she used to put me in front of the television screen. So my earliest memories consist of various television programmes and cartoons. It was my baby-sitter, and later it became my friend. It was there when I needed to believe I was elsewhere, outside of my own situation, making friends with the characters that were on tv, and learning, yes learning life lessons from storylines that they were given.

To date I think the most poignant life-lessons I've learnt are amazingly from a television series that is on at the moment called Being Erica. It's not really well known and it's normally on television at an annoying time (11pm) so I catch it on the internet and re-watch all the episodes that I inevitably miss. This gives me charge over when I want to watch them, making the name of the service 'on demand' quite fitting (which is what I'm sure it was supposed to be!)

I have always been fascinated in time travel and the chance and opportunity to change your own past, and the repercussions that happen from your changed decisions. The biggest question that I have asked in life had been 'what if'
Here are some examples from my past:
- what if I'd have chosen Art A level instead of Biology (which I got a 'U' in)?
- what if I hadn't had met my ex who messed me up and gave me lots of baggage to deal with?
- what if I hadn't gone to Northampton?
- what if I hadn't gone to Chester?
- what if I got a better degree mark than I did?
- what if I could truly realise my potential and use it?

All these what if's cloud me from doing and being in the present. When I'm having a hard day I dwell on these things, these questions, I think I'm better than what I am, what I'm doing at the moment, where I am in life etc... and these thoughts are dangerous as they paralyse me and stop me trying, because in my eyes trying is never as good as achieving, and man I want to achieve. I want to earn the accolades without putting in the work and time and effort, I want to arrive without having to go on the journey. I want everything handed to me on a golden plate, and I am unwilling to try anymore as I have done in the past and have failed, and it's been painful trying to pick up all the broken pieces and fit them back into my life. It just hasn't worked. And no wonder really, because I'm different now than what I was before. We're supposed to grow through situations and circumstances, things that are hard and difficult are supposed to mold you into being a better person, making you into a stronger person.

So, I'll get back to the main point of this blog- that tv can teach you something. Watching Being Erica is like having free therapy sessions. As I watch there is a Dr that always has these witty one liners and quotes that come from learned academics and forward thinkers and I take these on board and they soak into my mind as things that I can learn from. Tonight's episode was dealing with a person's biggest regret, how would it change their life if they went back and handled things differently? This character did go back and handle the situation differently and he woke up to 'the present' with a brand new house, new car, beautiful wife, and beautiful baby, and he was a self employed landscaper (which was his dream job). But he realised that none of this was real, he hadn't earned it, he didn't remember getting married or having his first child, it was just given to him and he was there to accept it. He went back into his reality of watching tv and being in a bit of a dead end job that related in a small way to what he wanted to do (which was gardening) and he couldn't see a way out. His past was holding him back so much that he thought he didn't have enough time to change the situation and to realise what he needed to do to better himself. So he wakes up to this realisation at last, and knows what he needs to do, and then goes for it. He's back in college studying to be a landscape gardener, and we applaud him for 'getting his life back on track' as it were.

The thing is I am that person. That character. I am letting my past get the better of me- all these lies at the beginning of this blog, I can directly link to different aspects of my life and psyche that hold me back from being who I truly am.

This is who I truly am:
A confident person who excels in everything she does. A person who is intelligent and kind, helpful, self sufficient, independent, wise, creative, beautiful, fashionable, a painter, a poet, a writer, a composer, an inventor. A person who sees injustice and does something about it. A person who wants for nothing but to help others. A kind and caring person who can change her little world, building friendships and challenging and encouraging others in their relationships.

This, I believe is a part of what God sees in me; the whole truth of how God sees me is so far from what I can even imagine that I could never grasp it enough or catch hold of it for long enough without it floating out of my mind and off of the page. As ' my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so high are my ways above yours' (my paraphrase)

I am that person who is held back by their past, and I want to be released from it before it consumes my time so much that I am 80 and look back and realise I have not done the things that I was called to do in my life.

But where do I go from here?

Aparently I need to begin to climb my obstacles that I've put in the way/ or have been put in my way and from then on, one step by one step, I should conquer them.

This is what I would like to do:
- pass my driving test
- write a book
- change a life
- do some charity work
- live in another country
- have a family
- be a good wife
- be a good mum
- learn how to live life to the fullest and help others to do so
- learn how to reach the potential that God has placed within me, fulfilling dreams and ideas.

I want to be a tree bearing fruit.

A short account of a self confessed book lover

You can always tell the sign of a good book; firstly, it is difficult to put it down and you want to read it whenever you have a spare moment, other things that you enjoy take a back seat as you are invited into another person's point of view, and ultimately their life. This first point is somewhat obvious, but nonetheless necessary to underline. The second is that you are constantly thinking about the book and it's characters, going over the story just to see if any crucial clues were left un-understood, you begin to turn the story over in your mind, looking for any clues as to where it will take you next, like being at the helm of a drifting boat in uncharted waters, there is excitement and anticipation around every corner, yet you must wait until the boat reaches these landmarks before you can see around the next bend or twist. Thirdly; the narrative and the way that the book is written seeps into your soul; the words and sentence structures of a good book can stay with you long after the story has ended. I have always noticed that after watching a film, I forget the story, (unless I engage with the thoughts and words of the film)and I will inevitably watch it a couple more times to be reminded of the whole story. I can watch the same film within a few years of each viewing, forgetting that I have seen the film previously; not so with a book. A book captures me and doesn't let me go until I've been satisfied with reading it to the end; the characters become friends and enemies, I inhabit their living space and watch as they go about their daily lives, I am the un-written character within the book, the by-stander, the 'audience' to the joyous ocassions and atrocities. The book itself holds you captive and that is why, after a single reading of a story, I will remember more of what I've read in that book than watching the same movie a few times. Fourthly, you become a silent on-looker in the book, and the book becomes a friend, a friend that divulges all their secrets and intimacies, not like a film, so that when you come to the end of the book you are saddened at the friend's departure. Your mind seeks to hold onto the story and to turn it over in your mind, and to tease out the meaning and value and worth of what was being relayed to you in this narrative. Books enlighten you into the nature of another's psyche, I think one person has said before that the eyes are the window to the soul, I believe that reading a book has the same affect as looking into someone's soul; into the way they think, move and breathe. As the reader you are the magician to some extent, you can conjure up faces of the various characters, you can also conjure up foreign lands that have been un-visited by you, of beaches, palms, coconuts and wars. Books are like the voices of those who were left behind, and we can still hear them now, like Austen, Dickens and Bronte; the classic authors are still telling their tales to us. When we read a book we have to believe it and imagine ourselves there. I think if you cannot do this then the book you are reading isn't one that is capturing your imagination, and therefore I would humbly suggest, that book will not be enjoyed as much as another, it might not even get finished by yourself, and might sit looking half read/half loved, with a bookmark that marks the place where you fell out of love with it. Now e-readers, a new invention (which I dislike)takes away the magic of being able to own books; not just to read them from the same lifeless black or white screen. To really enjoy a book you need to feel the softness of the cover, to smell the richness of the pages, some people will bend the books to their favourite places, and re-read them over and over again. Some books might be so loved that some of their pages are nearly falling out, and their owner might have to mend them. Books are a labour of love, and I believe that these e-readers and not as warm and friendly as holding a good book in your hands, feeling it's lightness and holding down the pages when the wind blows through them, of shielding it from the rain, of maybe accidentally squashing a bug between some of the pages, later finding it in years to come. With e-readers you cannot do this. Albeit they would be good for carrying a few books or even a whole library in one hand, they are not a satisfying as the act of holding a book in your hands. Imagine if we didn't have the books that we have in libraries today, some of these books are rare and priceless, the e-readers will take the value of books away, and this is sad. A book is like a piece of old jewellery, stay with me on this one; when you wear a piece of jewellery from someone you get a feel for the person who once owned it, depending on what the piece looks like, how it was cared for and the feeling that an object brings with it, a sense of history. Now this is similar to a book, you can tell how much the book was loved as to how read it looks, and whether the pages are slightly yellowed by age at the edges, whether the person has underlined any key passage that was their favourite or whether they graffitied their name on the opening page of the book. All these things would be missed.

Right, so there are my reasons for being a book lover!
The book I've just finished reading today was Mister Pip, a good read. Some of the language is beautiful in it, and it is a book about appreciating books/stories which I found interesting.
So, that was my very small treatise on why books are better than e-books!