Thoughts and musings

Today me and Craig went to the Trafford Centre and we spent our hard earned cash on some much needed items of clothing! I bought some red skinny trousers, a lovely lacy see-through top and a berry cardi :) very autumnal and lovely. I love all the knitted items, scarves and rich colours that come out in the shops (I am a sucker for boots too) and nearly bought a pair from Clarks, but hesitated due to the cost. I might get them in the sale, or wait until it is snowing to see if my current boots are up to the job or not.

This is such a random post, but I felt like writing, so I am!

Ephiphany

If I think about what I really want to do in life it is this:
- I want to write.

There, I've said it.

I can't take it back now, it's published online(!)

I would love to write a book, but I would be happy working at a publishers.

Maybe in my quest to not be selfish, but to give something back to society, I have never followed this dream far enough from it being a mere whim in my mind to an actual reality.

Maybe my fear was that I would fail which can be paralysing. But at the moment, in my job at UCB I am writing, and I am loving it!

I would love to move into copywriting or working on the publications that go out. I would just love to write and publish.

I have had this blog for (wow) 7 years now and I love writing random things in it. But I've always thought of it as a hobby and a pasttime that I enjoy, but for some reason I've never considered it as an actual career.

If I could talk to myself when I was 16 I would suggest to go into publishing.

I completed an English degree at university and my best marks were when I completed my poetry module. But for some reason this didn't resonate with me or translate (pardon the pun) into a viable career choice. Maybe there was little opportunity to harness this skill and go into the field of writing?

I have rarely considered it, and this is the first time I have fully realised it may be what I would want to do.

I could write, and then teach writing to others. Maybe that is what I would enjoy doing. But what I need to do is foster this desire, practice writing and meet up with other 'wanna be' writers.

I am in a really creative region of the country; I know lots of artists/graphic designers/writers etc. and maybe, just maybe, I am here for this very reason.

Wow, what an ephiphany!

confession

Here's a confession:

Maybe I have forgotten how to make true friends.

There, I've said it.

I have problems with making deep friendships. I think people just think I'm really ignorant or something as I find it difficult keeping up friendships when I've made them.

No longer living under fear

Recently we moved house. We are so much more happy with where we live now. It made me realise how fearful I can be. The house we now live in is a terrace, our front door goes straight from the path outside into our living room, so people can walk right outside our door. This can often be loud. As the houses are so close to one another and the walls are pretty thin, we can hear our next door neighbours as if they were in our kitchen. Whilst being on my own, in the evening I have often thought that there has been someone else in the house, due to the noise. I have walked around the house so fearful, calling out 'is anyone there?' (which is probably the most stupid thing you can do!) I used to be so skittish when it came to loud noises, but just now I've heard someone shout right outside our house, and I've not even flinched.
I think if you don't realise how fearful you are then it can take hold of your life and you can live with it without realising it's there.

But now I know I can take steps to fight against it, with God's help!

'I will fear no evil, for you are with me' Psalm 23.

Hard Decisions

It all began last November. It was during my best friend's birthday party. Basically for some reason I had thought that she was only inviting me and the hub and then a close mutual friend for an intimate party. Unbeknownst to me, she had invited about 4 other people who I had absolutely no idea who they were. At that moment an alarm went off in my head, and a slowlyticking timer had begun. I knew at the moment when I walked into the room, that our friendship was on it's last legs. It hurt to see. And all evening I was fighting against what I knew to be true, that our friendship would peter out, and the thing that I thought would last forever, had a sell by date on it. It took me a good few weeks after that party to get my head around what had happened. I had seen my best friend move on, and wow it hurt.
They came down for my birthday, my best friend and her hub. We had a lovely evening, I made a meal which was enjoyed and we played poker. There was an unnuttered conversation happening between me and my best friend that evening that was a slow realisation between us of what was happening. I knew things would never be the same after the birthday, but I think when it came round to my birthday, that's when it was realised by her.
And now we booked togo on holiday together. I have just sent the cheque in for the full deposit. It's mine and thehubs only real summer holiday this year, except for my brother's wedding which I am looking forward to immensely. Thing is, now that we both know what's going on, it's going to be difficult to be around each other and it not to come out. It won't be the same as last year, which I think is what Craig thinks it will be like. I have a feeling it's not only going to be truly awkward but that there's this big elephant in the room which none of us have talked about. We're both too polite to do it. We have hardly spoken since she came to visit. We used to meet up about once a week.
I think this will be our last holiday this year all together. And it is like breaking up with someone.
Thing is, we can't lie to each other, but are we going to carry on this farcical behaviour?

That's a tough decision.

Decisions Decisions

So now we live in BB and we're going to be looking at a terrace rental for nearly half the price of what we're paying now... which is potentially saving us an extra 3K a year. Only thing is now we have a garage, two gardens and although we live pretty away from civilisation, we live nearer the country, we have no pollution in the air (it is very fresh) and we can sit out in our garden, we have space between the houses, and we have a hallway. In this terrace house we're going to look at today it is closer to civilisation and closer to Sainsbury's which is nicer in our opinion that Tescos, it is also closer to the shops and in a nicer area which is close to the city centre and church. So we will be saving money on petrol too. It's just that we wont have as much room now. It would have been better to go from our 1 bedroom flat to this terrace house but we have been spoilt with the size of the one we're in. Our landlord doesn't know that we're looking to move, which is another problem. The terrace has the front door opening into the lounge, they already have sofa's there which will save us money once again because we wont need to buy any new ones. The terrace house is right next to our neighbours, there is no space in between. There are lots of things to think about. We are looking around it today and praying that it will meet our needs and we would be able to have people stay at our house still. I'm kinda ready to move though as BB hasn't been kind to us, but God is always good. He has blessed us during our difficult times and he has blessed us in the good times too. We are so thankful.

Lies that I have been told part 1

Here are three lies that I have been told:
- school is the best time of your life
- you can't learn anything from television
- you won't be able to do your A Level's, you should just get a job

These three sentences hold massive sway over who I was, what I do and what I am now. This is a huge realisation in my life, a moment of great clarity which will hopefully help me in seeing myself a bit clearer, because I have found that in life so far my biggest weak point is not knowing myself, namely how I feel/ think at the time and what my biggest ambition is in life. For some reason I have been waiting all this time for someone just to come up to me and to speak into my life, to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, because at the moment I am putting myself on hold, not living, but waiting to live, waiting for the 'green light' to be shone on my situation, telling me the next step and direction and letting me know that everything down that road is safe.
Yes, I am scared. I am not only scared of my past stopping me from being who God has designed me to be (which is the best version I can be of myself, living life to the fullest) and I am scared of failing, of trying something that doesn't fit and then facing the consequences of my poor decision (and this is due to past mistakes in judgment on my part).

I'm not going to tackle all three sentences, but just one tonight:
the lie that television can teach you nothing.

When I was growing up my mum was hard of hearing and so I think for a bit of a break she used to put me in front of the television screen. So my earliest memories consist of various television programmes and cartoons. It was my baby-sitter, and later it became my friend. It was there when I needed to believe I was elsewhere, outside of my own situation, making friends with the characters that were on tv, and learning, yes learning life lessons from storylines that they were given.

To date I think the most poignant life-lessons I've learnt are amazingly from a television series that is on at the moment called Being Erica. It's not really well known and it's normally on television at an annoying time (11pm) so I catch it on the internet and re-watch all the episodes that I inevitably miss. This gives me charge over when I want to watch them, making the name of the service 'on demand' quite fitting (which is what I'm sure it was supposed to be!)

I have always been fascinated in time travel and the chance and opportunity to change your own past, and the repercussions that happen from your changed decisions. The biggest question that I have asked in life had been 'what if'
Here are some examples from my past:
- what if I'd have chosen Art A level instead of Biology (which I got a 'U' in)?
- what if I hadn't had met my ex who messed me up and gave me lots of baggage to deal with?
- what if I hadn't gone to Northampton?
- what if I hadn't gone to Chester?
- what if I got a better degree mark than I did?
- what if I could truly realise my potential and use it?

All these what if's cloud me from doing and being in the present. When I'm having a hard day I dwell on these things, these questions, I think I'm better than what I am, what I'm doing at the moment, where I am in life etc... and these thoughts are dangerous as they paralyse me and stop me trying, because in my eyes trying is never as good as achieving, and man I want to achieve. I want to earn the accolades without putting in the work and time and effort, I want to arrive without having to go on the journey. I want everything handed to me on a golden plate, and I am unwilling to try anymore as I have done in the past and have failed, and it's been painful trying to pick up all the broken pieces and fit them back into my life. It just hasn't worked. And no wonder really, because I'm different now than what I was before. We're supposed to grow through situations and circumstances, things that are hard and difficult are supposed to mold you into being a better person, making you into a stronger person.

So, I'll get back to the main point of this blog- that tv can teach you something. Watching Being Erica is like having free therapy sessions. As I watch there is a Dr that always has these witty one liners and quotes that come from learned academics and forward thinkers and I take these on board and they soak into my mind as things that I can learn from. Tonight's episode was dealing with a person's biggest regret, how would it change their life if they went back and handled things differently? This character did go back and handle the situation differently and he woke up to 'the present' with a brand new house, new car, beautiful wife, and beautiful baby, and he was a self employed landscaper (which was his dream job). But he realised that none of this was real, he hadn't earned it, he didn't remember getting married or having his first child, it was just given to him and he was there to accept it. He went back into his reality of watching tv and being in a bit of a dead end job that related in a small way to what he wanted to do (which was gardening) and he couldn't see a way out. His past was holding him back so much that he thought he didn't have enough time to change the situation and to realise what he needed to do to better himself. So he wakes up to this realisation at last, and knows what he needs to do, and then goes for it. He's back in college studying to be a landscape gardener, and we applaud him for 'getting his life back on track' as it were.

The thing is I am that person. That character. I am letting my past get the better of me- all these lies at the beginning of this blog, I can directly link to different aspects of my life and psyche that hold me back from being who I truly am.

This is who I truly am:
A confident person who excels in everything she does. A person who is intelligent and kind, helpful, self sufficient, independent, wise, creative, beautiful, fashionable, a painter, a poet, a writer, a composer, an inventor. A person who sees injustice and does something about it. A person who wants for nothing but to help others. A kind and caring person who can change her little world, building friendships and challenging and encouraging others in their relationships.

This, I believe is a part of what God sees in me; the whole truth of how God sees me is so far from what I can even imagine that I could never grasp it enough or catch hold of it for long enough without it floating out of my mind and off of the page. As ' my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so high are my ways above yours' (my paraphrase)

I am that person who is held back by their past, and I want to be released from it before it consumes my time so much that I am 80 and look back and realise I have not done the things that I was called to do in my life.

But where do I go from here?

Aparently I need to begin to climb my obstacles that I've put in the way/ or have been put in my way and from then on, one step by one step, I should conquer them.

This is what I would like to do:
- pass my driving test
- write a book
- change a life
- do some charity work
- live in another country
- have a family
- be a good wife
- be a good mum
- learn how to live life to the fullest and help others to do so
- learn how to reach the potential that God has placed within me, fulfilling dreams and ideas.

I want to be a tree bearing fruit.

A short account of a self confessed book lover

You can always tell the sign of a good book; firstly, it is difficult to put it down and you want to read it whenever you have a spare moment, other things that you enjoy take a back seat as you are invited into another person's point of view, and ultimately their life. This first point is somewhat obvious, but nonetheless necessary to underline. The second is that you are constantly thinking about the book and it's characters, going over the story just to see if any crucial clues were left un-understood, you begin to turn the story over in your mind, looking for any clues as to where it will take you next, like being at the helm of a drifting boat in uncharted waters, there is excitement and anticipation around every corner, yet you must wait until the boat reaches these landmarks before you can see around the next bend or twist. Thirdly; the narrative and the way that the book is written seeps into your soul; the words and sentence structures of a good book can stay with you long after the story has ended. I have always noticed that after watching a film, I forget the story, (unless I engage with the thoughts and words of the film)and I will inevitably watch it a couple more times to be reminded of the whole story. I can watch the same film within a few years of each viewing, forgetting that I have seen the film previously; not so with a book. A book captures me and doesn't let me go until I've been satisfied with reading it to the end; the characters become friends and enemies, I inhabit their living space and watch as they go about their daily lives, I am the un-written character within the book, the by-stander, the 'audience' to the joyous ocassions and atrocities. The book itself holds you captive and that is why, after a single reading of a story, I will remember more of what I've read in that book than watching the same movie a few times. Fourthly, you become a silent on-looker in the book, and the book becomes a friend, a friend that divulges all their secrets and intimacies, not like a film, so that when you come to the end of the book you are saddened at the friend's departure. Your mind seeks to hold onto the story and to turn it over in your mind, and to tease out the meaning and value and worth of what was being relayed to you in this narrative. Books enlighten you into the nature of another's psyche, I think one person has said before that the eyes are the window to the soul, I believe that reading a book has the same affect as looking into someone's soul; into the way they think, move and breathe. As the reader you are the magician to some extent, you can conjure up faces of the various characters, you can also conjure up foreign lands that have been un-visited by you, of beaches, palms, coconuts and wars. Books are like the voices of those who were left behind, and we can still hear them now, like Austen, Dickens and Bronte; the classic authors are still telling their tales to us. When we read a book we have to believe it and imagine ourselves there. I think if you cannot do this then the book you are reading isn't one that is capturing your imagination, and therefore I would humbly suggest, that book will not be enjoyed as much as another, it might not even get finished by yourself, and might sit looking half read/half loved, with a bookmark that marks the place where you fell out of love with it. Now e-readers, a new invention (which I dislike)takes away the magic of being able to own books; not just to read them from the same lifeless black or white screen. To really enjoy a book you need to feel the softness of the cover, to smell the richness of the pages, some people will bend the books to their favourite places, and re-read them over and over again. Some books might be so loved that some of their pages are nearly falling out, and their owner might have to mend them. Books are a labour of love, and I believe that these e-readers and not as warm and friendly as holding a good book in your hands, feeling it's lightness and holding down the pages when the wind blows through them, of shielding it from the rain, of maybe accidentally squashing a bug between some of the pages, later finding it in years to come. With e-readers you cannot do this. Albeit they would be good for carrying a few books or even a whole library in one hand, they are not a satisfying as the act of holding a book in your hands. Imagine if we didn't have the books that we have in libraries today, some of these books are rare and priceless, the e-readers will take the value of books away, and this is sad. A book is like a piece of old jewellery, stay with me on this one; when you wear a piece of jewellery from someone you get a feel for the person who once owned it, depending on what the piece looks like, how it was cared for and the feeling that an object brings with it, a sense of history. Now this is similar to a book, you can tell how much the book was loved as to how read it looks, and whether the pages are slightly yellowed by age at the edges, whether the person has underlined any key passage that was their favourite or whether they graffitied their name on the opening page of the book. All these things would be missed.

Right, so there are my reasons for being a book lover!
The book I've just finished reading today was Mister Pip, a good read. Some of the language is beautiful in it, and it is a book about appreciating books/stories which I found interesting.
So, that was my very small treatise on why books are better than e-books!

sing with meaning

There are some songs that just take you back to a specific moment in your past, where the song pin points your exact mood, thoughts, emotions, feelings, wishes and desires, longings, remembrances and everythingin between which I havent mentioned. 'Gravity' by Embrace is one such song; I heard it at university when I was in my first or second year, and it spoke volumes to me. It was a feeling that I was in the right place at the right time, being in Chester was just where God wanted me to be, and the pants stuff that had happened to me before I came to uni was just beginning to ease off of me, like gravity weighs you down; this was just the beginning of the opposite; it was like weights were being lifted off me.

Stereophonics 'Dakota' are another tune that reminds me of a specific point in my past; this song reminds me so much of how I was feeling about Craig before we got together. It summed up my feelings and put them into words probably a lot better than I could have done, sure not all of the words and lyrics fit, but the general 'feel' of the song was so right at the time. I don't want to add anymore as it was such a personal time and emotions were so high that I don't want to let anyone else in, but if you listen to the song lyrics it just makes so much sense (to me anyway).

Keane's song called 'Better than this' helped me whilst I was working at Clarks to think of doing something better than this; literally when I heard this song at Clarks I was thinking: God you are talking directly to me through this song... the lyrics say it all.

Things are getting better, they're getting better all the time

So, it was my first day at my new job and it couldn't have been further from the last job I did. Here are the differences (be them small or big):
* Getting up earlier
* Working in an all Christian workplace
* Getting benefits (pension, healthcare and life assurance)
* Instead of 30 mins lunch break during a whole day I have 15 mins in the morning, 15 mins in the afternoon and my lunch is now 45 mins!!!
* The pace of work is so much slower than in Family Support Services
* A brand new role that can be created and moulded by myself :)

I can't give any more opinions as it was only my first day, but the expectations placed upon me were massive, because they knew me from before and had preconceptions of who I am and how I work. This has totally taken me out of my comfort zone, I normally like to show people what I'm like by coming in quietly and wowing them with the work that I do. Now I feel like I have to live up to a pre-created prototype of what they think I am like. It is a much bigger job to blow their ideas out of the water when they have preconceptions rather than just showing how talented I am by making my actions speak louder than words. But then this provides me with a challenge in itself, to make myself better than what they think about me, to supersede their preconceptions. This is not a big ego boost, as I'm pretty sure that this reads as an egotistical persons rantings (I can assure you, I am no such thing!) But it's my own thoughts on 'paper.'
Maybe this move out of my comfort zone will so challenge me to grow and improve on my own self belief.
In school when teacher's believed in me, I would perform better in exams than when teacher's didn't have faith in me. But in my working life I have never been like that for some reason.
I have never been in a job before that so looks after you and is so thorough in detail and support care that it is quite unnerving.
What I have noticed though is that I don't come back home dog tired. (And today was my first day which meant taking in new information etc, which should have left me quite tired!) - and I didn't even take my two 15 minute breaks!!! So coming back home, I have more energy which means I don't just want to sit and do nothing in front of the box. This is a bit of an ephiphany for me, as I thought I was just getting lazy, but maybe it was because I was just so tired from work and I didn't realise it, and now I am realising it because I can see the difference between then and now. And I like it. I hope and pray that this carries on (both the job enjoyment, the increased motivation and energy and 'zest'.) I want to begin writing now though.
At church on Sunday Phil (the preacher) said that it was time for people to show their talents, and to be what they were called to do and given as talents and gifts by God. I believe this word was partly for me; in writing, this new job and writing songs.
So, as the lyrics at the title of this particular post says: Things are getting better, they're getting better all the time!
Bring it on (with God's help and strength.) To Him be all the glory and praise. Amen!

u n m o t i v a t e d

When I'm at home here in BBridge, in a big, cold house that is far away from anything decent/civilised, and as I don't drive... you get the picture. So when I'm alone, I feel really alone, and therefore un-motivated. And my unmotivation begets unmotivation, sadness and laziness. So today I'm going to try and take one thing at a time. I know I need to go out later on, so I will try and eat something and then take the next step in showering, and then going out hopefully. And to top it off, I'm not feeling 100% today.
Wow, this sounds really wallowy. I think it's because normally on a day off I would go somewhere and do something.

WHOO HOO!

I have a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My testimony

Here's my testimony, nice and short :)



I was blessed to grow up in a Christian household where we sat down and read the bible together.


My grandmother taught me a lot about how to have a relationship with Christ through her own faith in Him.


Having grown up in this environment I never really doubted God's existence, and when I was 10 I prayed a prayer, a plea,


to God for forgiveness. After praying I felt such a warmth and energy and this made me want to tell everyone what God


had done for me, and what Jesus did on the cross, dying for my sins.


From that time to this I have been walking with Christ. He has blessed me, taught and disciplined me, and kept me through everything in life


with it's un-expectedness and my sinfulness.


When I went to University, God broadened my understanding of him and how to have a closer relationship. He taught me and showed me many gifts


that he had placed within me, of being able to tune my ear to hear God and to act upon what the spirit was telling me. He also taught me about the leadership


gifts that he has given me, and this was used when I became the small group leader, then co-ordinator of all small groups in the CU. I have been able to use this in my current church role of Youth group leader of a group called the Core.


In the past year I have had to lean and rely on God more through tough times of unemployment and moving to a new area, and also the UK's financial situation which has put a toll


on us all. I listen to UCB regularly and it has encouraged me to draw nearer to God, not to let guilt and sin keep me away from Him, for that's when we need Him most. This year is the first year I have committed to reading my bible all the way through and I am thoroughly enjoying it, God speaks to me and leads me daily and I am so blessed.


I draw upon his strength daily and Christ is in everything I do and because of him, he is everything I am.

Here's to another Saturday alone

Today's aim is to be inspired.
I have an unending desire to create. I want to write poetry, draw, paint, make something crafty, create a piece of writing, blog, bake and cook things, experiment, be proactive, be provocative.
I want to document these things. But the biggest problem with me, is not the ideas themselves, but the vastness of them, they are like swirling tendrills of smoke that if you don;t somehow catch and reign them in, they float away on the wind and are lost. Another barrier to creating things is a lack of materials and a propensity to begin something but never quite get around to finishing it.
For example at the beginning of the year I had this same urge and drive to create, so I made something out of some old material, I call it a 'something' not just because I am being lazy about the use of words in this blog, and can't be bothered to think of another word to use, but 'something' because it was the beginning of a small project that never
really took off.

Anywhoo, the lovely Fran has just rung me for about half an hour which was nice of her, and I need to head for a shower, so I might finish this later!!! lol!

I may not... ;)

Here's to another Saturday alone!

Update

Hey All,

Just a little update on what's been going on since the last time I blogged. Well, I've been working in the family support services in Bentilee since September last year, which has been really amazing. I've enjoyed every minute of it so far, but because of government cuts and spending restrictions and budgets, the project will no longer exist beyond March 2011. Well, government funding wise anyway, we don;t yet know what other funders there might be, and we will have to wait until later on this week to find out. It's been such a rollercoaster of emotions and fears and strains and tensions in work over the last 3-4 months that it's worn me out. I think that I definitely need a holiday after this job (well at some point whether this turns into something that runs for a bit longer into the year I will take some time out).
But I've always said, I'm happier to have such a happy marriage (even though sometimes it's difficult) and I wouldn't swap that for a moment for a career. Although I do enjoy doing a job full time and I get job satisfaction from doing a job well, and I do want to work, I wouldn't swap it for a good marriage.
Today has been hard, but I understand that in life and love there's going to be up's and down's, and there are more up's than down's so that's good. I just really want to get onto the next chapter of life, of being able to save for a deposit on a house and driving lessons and who knows what else for the future :)