Coming apart at the seams

I feel like I'm being slowly torn apart, I cannot contain everything I have inside of me, all of my gifts and talents, but I end up sitting here doing nothing, wasting time. I hate wasting time, I like to be busy and use it well, and I ind that when I use my time and I am busy I do more with my time as I know I haven't got much of it, but it's so depressing when you sit here and the hours go ticking by and you think what have I got to show for today? And you think to yourself, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Was I even here? Did I make a difference in my surroundings today? Did others notice me? Did anyone care? Does anyone actually care how I feel about things, I want to make a decision about my future and what I want to do, to take hold of it and form it and create something beautiful with it, but all I get is wait, wait, wait, stop not now, wait. I'm fed up with Wait, I'm sick and tired of no, not now. What is going on? I feel like I'm going slightly insane. I want to go to Cardiff, I don't actually want to live in Stoke. But is it the case that the grass is always greener? I don't want to get my own hopes up, but this is how I feel. I am beginning to feel slightly suffocated in this decision, there is so much at stake, so much that I need to think about. So much that I don't know about. I feel like I'm a  passenger in my own life, and I'd prefer to be the driver, or at least the map reader so I know which direction we're headed in. At the moment I'm just like a little child strapped into the back seat, no idea of where I'm going and my 'parents' aren't telling me, they're just expecting me to tag along, and I don't particularly want to do this tagging along business, I want to choose what I do and where I go. And I feel like i'm being torn apart at the seams, all my stuffing is beginning to fall out and I look tired and worn.
I want to travel, I want to make a difference in this life too. I want to be taken seriously and actually listened to and heard and respected by those around me that help me to make these decisions. (I temporarily forgot how to spell that last word, so sorry if it doesn't read properly) - see I am mad, I am talking to myself cos no one reads this anymore! If you do, let me know it may help!

Waiting

Waiting

Seems like the longest time
To reclaim what’s really mine.

My destiny, future and job all wrapped up in one.

Why has this become

Such a difficult time?

A time where I have a schedule of what to watch on telly.

Thinking that I could go for a coffee with a friend,

But none reply.

I feel slightly depressed, de-motivated, un-used, ‘un’

I would love to look at myself from God’s perspective,

See what He thinks and makes of this.

Of Chester, Cardiff, Stoke

Which of these is best, A, B or C?

Floating in this liminal land,

On the threshold but never knowing

With this limbo frame of mind

Which way we’re going.

Hopefully somewhat soon

A light will come to guide us

The direction will become clear,

We move and we are happy with where we are.

We are used well, and we fulfil that next step in our life.

We know what God sees in us and we can reach that potential.

We know the way to go.

But for now,

All I can do is wait.

So this is how I feel, I wrote it just now. It best explains what I'm going through at the moment.

These are the lyrics from Mumford and Sons The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart



The sun, it rises slowly as you walk


Away from all the fears


And all the faults you've left behind






The harvest left no food for you to eat


You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see


But I have seen the same


I know the shame in your defeat






But I will hold on hope


And I won't let you choke


On the noose around your neck






And I'll find strength in pain


And I will change my ways


I'll know my name as it's called again






Cause I have other things to fill my time


You take what is yours and I'll take mine


Now let me at the truth


Which will refresh my broken mind






So tie me to a post and block my ears


I can see widows and orphans through my tears


I know my call despite my faults


And despite my growing fears




But I will hold on hope


And I won't let you choke


On the noose around your neck






And I'll find strength in pain


And I will change my ways


I'll know my name as it's called again






So come out of your cave walking on your hands


And see the world hanging upside down


You can understand dependence


When you know the maker's hand






So make your siren's call


And sing all you want


I will not hear what you have to say






Cause I need freedom now


And I need to know how


To live my life as it's meant to be






And I will hold on hope


And I won't let you choke


On the noose around your neck






And I'll find strength in pain


And I will change my ways


I'll know my name as it's called again
 
Mumford & Sons The Cave lyrics found on http://www.hibeamlyrics.com/the-cave-lyrics-mumford-sons.html
 
This song is pretty apt for the period we're going through at the moment. I've felt that for a long while I've had to hold onto hope to get through tougher times. But I feel like I'm coming out of the cave now. But now is the time where I am craving freedom, and living my life as it is meant to be lived. The Maker's hand is surely a reference to the Creator God? I have found immense strength through the pain. There's so much linking this song to my life at the moment. Loving it!

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart Luke 2:19

Just listening to 'These are the days of Elijah' and thinking about a friend who might have lost his way in the faith, and praying that he will stick close to God, as he brings such a fresh insight from the Word.
And I'm so excited about the thought of going to Cardiff. I can't hold it in. It's like I feel that God has sealed this and stamped it with all that He has got and given us. I feel that my life has been leading up to this decision and moment to move. Me and Craig are so excited about this prospect, and as I've already stated in this blog, the amount of opportunities that we would have with heading in that direction would be so good. I could see that all of my gifts will be used to His glory and praise. For He has placed so much within me that I could live out so many lives potentially that would be juxtaposedly different but I believe that in some way they can all be brought together. It would just be so amazing.
Thank you father, you are so good to me. I believe that you gave me Craig to fulfil what you had placed within me (so many different things and longings) and you created me to be the visionary one but Craig to be the one that grounds me in reality and helps me to see things through to the end and helps me to see how things would play out.
Also, even thinking about Cardiff I am so enthused about it, it gives e creativity here and now, it gives me the words, thoughts and pictures about what could be. My life could be so much better there. Our lives would be so much more used there. It would be immense to think about all of the possibilities and outcomes that we could have there.
Father, may you help us to realise this dream and make it a reality for us. I want to glorify your Name for as long as I live here on earth, and I want our children and our children's children to glorify your Name also.
Just looking and considering this amazing verse in Luke 2:19 'But Mary treasured these things and pondered them in her heart.' - Go dhas said some of the most awesome things to me in the past couple of years, and I have treasured these things in my heart. If you know me and are reading this and thinking what are these things, feel free to ask me, I will let you know.
Right, I'm going to get back to worshipping God! (cheesy!) x

Soooooooooooooo Annoyed...

Right, so I should have maybe said something to my current employers about working in an agency, (the agency needed a reference just to see whether I had actually been working there) - but it wont affect my work there at the moment, and also they just need to write one and send it, they shouldn't have lied about sending it out last week. That is just wrong. Sorry but that has annoyed me so much, yeah maybe I should have talked to them, but they could have mentioned it to me/ or asked me? And now I have to bring up the subject and I'm not going to like doing this. Thing is the manager would have thought he sent it off, but it probably got 'intercepted' by the assistant manager, who thinks she rules the place(!)

I cannot wait to finish working here.

The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate Slow to Anger Abounding in Love

So, just as an aside, me and Craig are thinking of moving to Cardiff. This is a bit of a secret at the moment, so if you happen to know me and read this then please kind of keep it under your hat so to speak, but I feel the need to share it just to see if anything becomes clearer or changes as I write.
Basically me and Craig feel that Wales is where we've been drawn to, I have felt this from quite a young age and this has been something that keeps coming back to me every now and again. I am reminded of the part in the bible where Mary 'treasures these things in her heart' that's exactly how I feel about Wales. I have also heard that it has been prophesied over me that my son (who doesn't yet exist) will have a heart for Wales. Coincidence? I think not. The only thing is I can't remember who prophesied that over me. It could be one of two or possibly three people, but does that really matter? What matters is this: Craig saw a job posted on the internet that he liked and was in Cardiff, and he phoned me and asked me about moving to Cardiff - now this is VERY unlike Craig, he thinks about things and over-thinks them, he is not spur of the moment spontaneity man, but yet here he is expressing that he feels a weird sensation when he looked at this job, and he really wants it.
Another thing that I should mention is that when we visited Cardiff at one point Craig said that he could see us living here, or he could see himself living there again. I didn't know what to think at that point but I was open to it.
Ok, so the biggest draw for us to that place is the opportunities that would open up to us, here I will number them (not in priority order):

1.) There are a number of jobs that have come up for a teaching assistant, and we know someone who is involved in the schools over there so we would have a good contact.

2.) It is near the sea! - I love the sea, and this may sound like a bit of a rubbish point, but I feel that our quality of life would go up considerably: firstly I can meet with God quite easily on a beach (I love the surroundings, I love praising God and spending time in His presence in a place like that) Secondly as a sub point: I gain creative ideas from being in beautiful surroundings and when I am happy or sad that will be a good generation for writing/painting/drawing/ writing poetry etc... Thirdly as a sub point, I will so enjoy being near a beach it will be lovely to just go and spend time there, walking, reading, maybe taking a dog for a walk, praying etc.

3.) We have links with Ignite which is a Christian organisation that we have helped out at before, and Craig grew up with them basically. Nigel J is a travelling pastor with Third Day and he has opportunities galore to go on mission trips, and in the past he has suggested that me and Craig could lead some trips in the future, which would be so good. Also we could help out at the Ignite Hope and any youth events that they put on in Cardiff.

4.) We know a lot of people already who live there and who we like a lot so we have friends there already- and funnily enough it is closer to my parents than it was when we were in Chester (I'm already talking as though Chester was in the past tense!)

So, all in all there are massive reasons to go there. Also it would be fulfilling a prophetic word that someone once brought to me, and which I valued at the time. Also, I want to accomplish much more than just a 9-5 job mon -fri; I want to write, to paint, to travel and to spread the word of God. I want to help the needy and speak for the voiceless.

Dear Father may you give us discerning hearts and minds to see whether we would benefit from going here, and also may we have your full and total blessing on this if you will this to be, Father we are so excited to follow what plans you have for us. Dear Lord would you come and pour out your blessing on us, and help us to have the wisdom to deal with this in a sensitive way. May it be that Craig gets this new job, and that when we tell people they will understand and send us with their good wishes and blessings. Father God, you have been faithful to us in the walk so far, and we ask you to carry on with us in our journey. In Jesus' Almighty Name which formed the heavens and the earth, Amen.x

all good things come to those who wait

... it's corny but it's true... and as a Christian I believe that everything works for the good of those that love God. (Romans 8:28) - and I feel that a change is coming.
On Thursday or Good Friday last week, something told me to have a look on the job centre plus website, and I was like ok, yeah I'll do that, and I found a job advert taht was perfect for me, so I phoned up on Tuesday and she's given me an interview for this Friday!

Now even if you don't believe in God that is some cool coincidences - how on earth did I just think I would go on this website... I didn't even know it existed, yet I believe that God gave me the web address, and it was on my head to follow it up from there!

It is scary for many reasons:
1. I may not get the job and will have to keep on at Clarks an the support work (which is ok, but more of a stop gap job)
2. If I do get it then I will have to learn more about looking after my finances and actually organise having a salary!
3. What if I get there, start doing the job and either a) begin to dislike it or b) find out that I'm not as happy as I thought I was going to be and it was all a case of the grass is greener on the other side scenario.

But....
what if I said no to all of these fearful ideas and just go for it? What would come of it?

Another 'coincidence' is that it is really easy to get to the interview this Friday, and that I only have to get a train for 20 mins and then walk for a bit!

I think that the opportunities far outweigh the fears and these are:

1. I may love the job (as I think I would) feel fulfilled and begin to feel happier
2. Having a salary will be great for me and the hub- for example we can look for a bigger house!
3. It will mean that I will be able to get on the career ladder as a teacher :O)
4. If we plan to have children in the near future then we will have a stable income and we can actually save!
5. We can go on holidays and have a greater social life!
6. I will have more time to do things that I enjoy- and actually have weekends and holidays again!!!!

So there you go, the opportunities far outweigh the fears, and therefore there is no reason to fear!


WHoo hoo! - will let you know how it goes :O)