A New Adventure

It's been an embarrassingly long time since I last posted - but this is now hopefully going to change!   I've changed the title of the blog, which used to be Naïve-Freda to A New Adventure because it reflects what I will be embarking upon.  I feel that reading back over a few of my previous posts has been fairly cathartic, but also enlightening - and quite often than not it has been both negative and positive.  The positive aspects are having the ability to look at where my journey has taken me from to where I am now - I have felt like I have finally been able to leave the past where it is and move on in my life.  I have also gained independence in learning how to drive (last year) and myself and Craig are looking to buy a house rather than be in rented accommodation.  I see these milestones as things that I can tick off my list, and I feel like I am growing.  Hence the definition of growth underneath my new blog title.

We've also gained a lovely cat called Henrietta, I've become an Aunty again, having the joy of holding my niece and am anticipating a new arrival in January of another one!  I also have a gorgeous nephew who is only 5 but is as tall as a 7 year old! 

Another side to my returning to blogging is in writing about our journey of adding an addition to our little family.  I want to chronicle the story as an online journal/ diary (although I will not be writing every day!) It will serve as a time capsule for me to keep, and, if others are interested, to read!

So, here's to our new home and our next set of exciting adventures!

Thoughts and musings

Today me and Craig went to the Trafford Centre and we spent our hard earned cash on some much needed items of clothing! I bought some red skinny trousers, a lovely lacy see-through top and a berry cardi :) very autumnal and lovely. I love all the knitted items, scarves and rich colours that come out in the shops (I am a sucker for boots too) and nearly bought a pair from Clarks, but hesitated due to the cost. I might get them in the sale, or wait until it is snowing to see if my current boots are up to the job or not.

This is such a random post, but I felt like writing, so I am!

Ephiphany

If I think about what I really want to do in life it is this:
- I want to write.

There, I've said it.

I can't take it back now, it's published online(!)

I would love to write a book, but I would be happy working at a publishers.

Maybe in my quest to not be selfish, but to give something back to society, I have never followed this dream far enough from it being a mere whim in my mind to an actual reality.

Maybe my fear was that I would fail which can be paralysing. But at the moment, in my job at UCB I am writing, and I am loving it!

I would love to move into copywriting or working on the publications that go out. I would just love to write and publish.

I have had this blog for (wow) 7 years now and I love writing random things in it. But I've always thought of it as a hobby and a pasttime that I enjoy, but for some reason I've never considered it as an actual career.

If I could talk to myself when I was 16 I would suggest to go into publishing.

I completed an English degree at university and my best marks were when I completed my poetry module. But for some reason this didn't resonate with me or translate (pardon the pun) into a viable career choice. Maybe there was little opportunity to harness this skill and go into the field of writing?

I have rarely considered it, and this is the first time I have fully realised it may be what I would want to do.

I could write, and then teach writing to others. Maybe that is what I would enjoy doing. But what I need to do is foster this desire, practice writing and meet up with other 'wanna be' writers.

I am in a really creative region of the country; I know lots of artists/graphic designers/writers etc. and maybe, just maybe, I am here for this very reason.

Wow, what an ephiphany!

confession

Here's a confession:

Maybe I have forgotten how to make true friends.

There, I've said it.

I have problems with making deep friendships. I think people just think I'm really ignorant or something as I find it difficult keeping up friendships when I've made them.

No longer living under fear

Recently we moved house. We are so much more happy with where we live now. It made me realise how fearful I can be. The house we now live in is a terrace, our front door goes straight from the path outside into our living room, so people can walk right outside our door. This can often be loud. As the houses are so close to one another and the walls are pretty thin, we can hear our next door neighbours as if they were in our kitchen. Whilst being on my own, in the evening I have often thought that there has been someone else in the house, due to the noise. I have walked around the house so fearful, calling out 'is anyone there?' (which is probably the most stupid thing you can do!) I used to be so skittish when it came to loud noises, but just now I've heard someone shout right outside our house, and I've not even flinched.
I think if you don't realise how fearful you are then it can take hold of your life and you can live with it without realising it's there.

But now I know I can take steps to fight against it, with God's help!

'I will fear no evil, for you are with me' Psalm 23.

Hard Decisions

It all began last November. It was during my best friend's birthday party. Basically for some reason I had thought that she was only inviting me and the hub and then a close mutual friend for an intimate party. Unbeknownst to me, she had invited about 4 other people who I had absolutely no idea who they were. At that moment an alarm went off in my head, and a slowlyticking timer had begun. I knew at the moment when I walked into the room, that our friendship was on it's last legs. It hurt to see. And all evening I was fighting against what I knew to be true, that our friendship would peter out, and the thing that I thought would last forever, had a sell by date on it. It took me a good few weeks after that party to get my head around what had happened. I had seen my best friend move on, and wow it hurt.
They came down for my birthday, my best friend and her hub. We had a lovely evening, I made a meal which was enjoyed and we played poker. There was an unnuttered conversation happening between me and my best friend that evening that was a slow realisation between us of what was happening. I knew things would never be the same after the birthday, but I think when it came round to my birthday, that's when it was realised by her.
And now we booked togo on holiday together. I have just sent the cheque in for the full deposit. It's mine and thehubs only real summer holiday this year, except for my brother's wedding which I am looking forward to immensely. Thing is, now that we both know what's going on, it's going to be difficult to be around each other and it not to come out. It won't be the same as last year, which I think is what Craig thinks it will be like. I have a feeling it's not only going to be truly awkward but that there's this big elephant in the room which none of us have talked about. We're both too polite to do it. We have hardly spoken since she came to visit. We used to meet up about once a week.
I think this will be our last holiday this year all together. And it is like breaking up with someone.
Thing is, we can't lie to each other, but are we going to carry on this farcical behaviour?

That's a tough decision.

Decisions Decisions

So now we live in BB and we're going to be looking at a terrace rental for nearly half the price of what we're paying now... which is potentially saving us an extra 3K a year. Only thing is now we have a garage, two gardens and although we live pretty away from civilisation, we live nearer the country, we have no pollution in the air (it is very fresh) and we can sit out in our garden, we have space between the houses, and we have a hallway. In this terrace house we're going to look at today it is closer to civilisation and closer to Sainsbury's which is nicer in our opinion that Tescos, it is also closer to the shops and in a nicer area which is close to the city centre and church. So we will be saving money on petrol too. It's just that we wont have as much room now. It would have been better to go from our 1 bedroom flat to this terrace house but we have been spoilt with the size of the one we're in. Our landlord doesn't know that we're looking to move, which is another problem. The terrace has the front door opening into the lounge, they already have sofa's there which will save us money once again because we wont need to buy any new ones. The terrace house is right next to our neighbours, there is no space in between. There are lots of things to think about. We are looking around it today and praying that it will meet our needs and we would be able to have people stay at our house still. I'm kinda ready to move though as BB hasn't been kind to us, but God is always good. He has blessed us during our difficult times and he has blessed us in the good times too. We are so thankful.

Lies that I have been told part 1

Here are three lies that I have been told:
- school is the best time of your life
- you can't learn anything from television
- you won't be able to do your A Level's, you should just get a job

These three sentences hold massive sway over who I was, what I do and what I am now. This is a huge realisation in my life, a moment of great clarity which will hopefully help me in seeing myself a bit clearer, because I have found that in life so far my biggest weak point is not knowing myself, namely how I feel/ think at the time and what my biggest ambition is in life. For some reason I have been waiting all this time for someone just to come up to me and to speak into my life, to tell me what I am supposed to be doing, because at the moment I am putting myself on hold, not living, but waiting to live, waiting for the 'green light' to be shone on my situation, telling me the next step and direction and letting me know that everything down that road is safe.
Yes, I am scared. I am not only scared of my past stopping me from being who God has designed me to be (which is the best version I can be of myself, living life to the fullest) and I am scared of failing, of trying something that doesn't fit and then facing the consequences of my poor decision (and this is due to past mistakes in judgment on my part).

I'm not going to tackle all three sentences, but just one tonight:
the lie that television can teach you nothing.

When I was growing up my mum was hard of hearing and so I think for a bit of a break she used to put me in front of the television screen. So my earliest memories consist of various television programmes and cartoons. It was my baby-sitter, and later it became my friend. It was there when I needed to believe I was elsewhere, outside of my own situation, making friends with the characters that were on tv, and learning, yes learning life lessons from storylines that they were given.

To date I think the most poignant life-lessons I've learnt are amazingly from a television series that is on at the moment called Being Erica. It's not really well known and it's normally on television at an annoying time (11pm) so I catch it on the internet and re-watch all the episodes that I inevitably miss. This gives me charge over when I want to watch them, making the name of the service 'on demand' quite fitting (which is what I'm sure it was supposed to be!)

I have always been fascinated in time travel and the chance and opportunity to change your own past, and the repercussions that happen from your changed decisions. The biggest question that I have asked in life had been 'what if'
Here are some examples from my past:
- what if I'd have chosen Art A level instead of Biology (which I got a 'U' in)?
- what if I hadn't had met my ex who messed me up and gave me lots of baggage to deal with?
- what if I hadn't gone to Northampton?
- what if I hadn't gone to Chester?
- what if I got a better degree mark than I did?
- what if I could truly realise my potential and use it?

All these what if's cloud me from doing and being in the present. When I'm having a hard day I dwell on these things, these questions, I think I'm better than what I am, what I'm doing at the moment, where I am in life etc... and these thoughts are dangerous as they paralyse me and stop me trying, because in my eyes trying is never as good as achieving, and man I want to achieve. I want to earn the accolades without putting in the work and time and effort, I want to arrive without having to go on the journey. I want everything handed to me on a golden plate, and I am unwilling to try anymore as I have done in the past and have failed, and it's been painful trying to pick up all the broken pieces and fit them back into my life. It just hasn't worked. And no wonder really, because I'm different now than what I was before. We're supposed to grow through situations and circumstances, things that are hard and difficult are supposed to mold you into being a better person, making you into a stronger person.

So, I'll get back to the main point of this blog- that tv can teach you something. Watching Being Erica is like having free therapy sessions. As I watch there is a Dr that always has these witty one liners and quotes that come from learned academics and forward thinkers and I take these on board and they soak into my mind as things that I can learn from. Tonight's episode was dealing with a person's biggest regret, how would it change their life if they went back and handled things differently? This character did go back and handle the situation differently and he woke up to 'the present' with a brand new house, new car, beautiful wife, and beautiful baby, and he was a self employed landscaper (which was his dream job). But he realised that none of this was real, he hadn't earned it, he didn't remember getting married or having his first child, it was just given to him and he was there to accept it. He went back into his reality of watching tv and being in a bit of a dead end job that related in a small way to what he wanted to do (which was gardening) and he couldn't see a way out. His past was holding him back so much that he thought he didn't have enough time to change the situation and to realise what he needed to do to better himself. So he wakes up to this realisation at last, and knows what he needs to do, and then goes for it. He's back in college studying to be a landscape gardener, and we applaud him for 'getting his life back on track' as it were.

The thing is I am that person. That character. I am letting my past get the better of me- all these lies at the beginning of this blog, I can directly link to different aspects of my life and psyche that hold me back from being who I truly am.

This is who I truly am:
A confident person who excels in everything she does. A person who is intelligent and kind, helpful, self sufficient, independent, wise, creative, beautiful, fashionable, a painter, a poet, a writer, a composer, an inventor. A person who sees injustice and does something about it. A person who wants for nothing but to help others. A kind and caring person who can change her little world, building friendships and challenging and encouraging others in their relationships.

This, I believe is a part of what God sees in me; the whole truth of how God sees me is so far from what I can even imagine that I could never grasp it enough or catch hold of it for long enough without it floating out of my mind and off of the page. As ' my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord, for as high as the heavens are above the earth so high are my ways above yours' (my paraphrase)

I am that person who is held back by their past, and I want to be released from it before it consumes my time so much that I am 80 and look back and realise I have not done the things that I was called to do in my life.

But where do I go from here?

Aparently I need to begin to climb my obstacles that I've put in the way/ or have been put in my way and from then on, one step by one step, I should conquer them.

This is what I would like to do:
- pass my driving test
- write a book
- change a life
- do some charity work
- live in another country
- have a family
- be a good wife
- be a good mum
- learn how to live life to the fullest and help others to do so
- learn how to reach the potential that God has placed within me, fulfilling dreams and ideas.

I want to be a tree bearing fruit.