arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I don't actually know how much more I can take of this. I was given some work last week, had an interview last week (hearing from them in 2 weeks time) and had an interview today. It's not like I'm not trying, it's just that it's not working. Either I am doing something wrong, or they just don't like me. I'm still waiting to hear back from the one today, but I have absolutely no clue as to how I've got on. I could do the job, but the interview process was rigorous, you had to complete a task and present it back to the interview panel. I was actually quite calm about it, which was good, but I have no idea as to what they were looking for, and looking back I could have added so much more.
I am sick of not having a job or an income. I just want to go to work, come home and have an income so that we can save up for a mortgage/the future. I just don't want to keep worrying Craig, I am frustrated too, he doesn't want to see me sad, so at the moment it's a lose lose situation. I mean we're not struggling, but we're not flourishing either. It's totally frustrating (I know I've just said that, but I'm trying to underline this).
I think I can do this job, and it has enough to keep me interested. The only thing is that when I was there they knew the person that was going to be interviewed next, so that can be a downpoint, as they already know that person.
I have no idea as to how I got on though, it's 50-50 whether I get it or not. I would enjoy having the larger income for a bit and Craig would be more comfortable, leading to a better marriage. We can get onwards and upwards with our lives, at the moment we feel like our lives are on hold.
Totally frustrating.

Hissy fit over

Ok, so my hissy fit may be over. I get so frustrated sometimes that I cannot seem to find a decent enough outlet, that's healthy! So blogging is good, and also ranting a little bit. Craig has been amazing this week, so caring and supporting. He's learning! And he's also learning how to let go of the situation. This can only make us stronger. Next week I have some work, and I have an interview coming up and also some possible work at a school as a nursery nurse and also from my temp work - I have potential work in a council too coming up. It's looking a bit brighter.

I want off

So, just a little update on what's happened since the last post. Basically we had a gret time at Keswick in the Lake district, and we had a good time wth our friends and learning from the bible, and we had some good chats too. During that week, I had an interview that I spent a lot of money to go to, on the train, to be told that I hadn't been successful, and that I should probably go for a teaching assistant job (I didn't tell them that I had been trying to get a TA job for a while now), and that in the school as a receptionist I would probably experience some kind of career frustration, and that as I had to move with Craig's job that it was time for my own career. I was thinking please, just give me a job. I suppose at the moment we have no other responsibilities other than feeding and clothing ourselves, so taht's helpful. But we are living on a shoe string, with no financial savings to be saved. We are putting off our future day by day and month by month. We are missing out on opportunities to go on holidays without potential kids, and we're not taking them. I feel like at the moment we're putting life on hold till I get a job. This is not right, and not healthy surely to be living like this. Life should be fun, shouldn't it? And although Craig is putting a brave face on it, I know that he is worrying deep down, or there's stress there that I've caused. And it is putting a strain on us. I just really want a job now that I can have as a career, something that I would really enjoy and just want to do for years and years and want to get better at it, and work hard at it, and master it. This is what I really want to do. I want to achieve something in my life, and I feel that sitting around doing nothing but fill in application forms and go to interviews that tell me I didn't get the job are not heading in the right direction. I've tried most if not all things that I can think of to get a job, I've been called a 'strong candidate' and I've been told not to give up on my dream as being a teacher. When I think about being a teacher, I can see lesson plans and what kind of trips the class could be taken on etc etc, and I want a career. I want something that will be fulfilling in my lifetime, to look back and say that's what I've done, I've contributed to society, I've made a small difference. I just want the opportunity to do that.
I think my last option is coming up, and that is to get a crappy job during the week, and on saturday and then have one day in a school to keep up my experience and then apply for a PGCE for sept 2011. That's all that I can think of doing. If I don't get in, I don't know what else to do, and if I can't get a job out of the end of it, then I really don't know what to do. I will be qualified and be doing nothing, I think that is one of the fears that is holding me back.
I want to be proficient at something and then train others, or teach them in it. I am willing to take advice. I am sick of sitting at home doing didly squat and working my time around what I watch on tv and also doing the washing up before Craig comes home.
I understand that this is probably something that will help me to engage with other people later on in life, but I'm sick of it, I want out, I want off the ride please. I don't like rollercoasters, didn't I say?