I had a real 'student' afternoon today, with my good friend Sarah. We went out for a coffee at Starbucks, at 4, and we talked about lots of things, I lost track of time totally, looked at my phone to what I thought was about 20 minutes later...it was 6.30! I had missed tea! I was just so shocked that I just had no clue of the time...it was so cool chatting with her. Just working out a lot of things in my head.
Sarah thinks so differently to me... she is in constant deep thought, and this can really make her tired, and she doesnt get much sleep at times because it keeps her awake. I thought back to when I was smaller, and I remembered that I used to do the same thing. I used to be awake til the early hours of the mornings, just thinking; chaining things together. Then I realised that it made me stressed and upset to think so much, and it made me tired too, so I trained myself not to think as much, cos it meant that I could get sleep,, and be less stressed. I realise that I have just gone to the other extreme, and am seemingly so 'unthinking' that I seem to be apathetic towards people's problems. I trivialise things, and seem to know what my own opinion is on different subjects, but really I don't think as much as I should.
I am going to train myself to think more. It might take a while, but hopefuly I will be able to consider more things.
I think its helpful to think about things. I think God wants us to be thought-filled. Maybe this is something I'm being taught.
Tuesday, April 19
Monday, April 18
university 'life'
You might think that I am going to blog about the social aspect of uni life, but I'm not.
I suppose that I'm a bit surprised that its taken this long to 'get back into the swing of things' i.e. thinking again, and formulating my own ideas, kind of like independent thinking really... it's taken such a long time because of being out of academia for such a long time, I understand that...but I thought that it would be quicker than this really. It is a good thing; I know that. I've just been doing a lot of work recently, well a presentation and an essay within a week, and now i've stopped I wanted to write some more really!-weird I hear you say...!
Recently things have been slightly haunting me... I suppose its just taken a while to take stock of where I am now as to where I was last year... and I know you're probably thinking Oh no, she's harking back to that again.. but it takes a while to get over something like that and its weird sometimes being with people who know you..well.. who know the 'university' you. Its strange, i feel like I have about three different identities, a uni Maddy, home Madeline and Mads, I mean they are all me, all different aspects of me, but which one is the real me? Maybe its cos im listening to music which reminds me so much of the crap of last year that makes me talk about things, maybe I feel like I can't talk so freely to people about last year. I don't know. I suppose you can't be 'up' all the time. Feelings take over and are imposed from past memories etc... I just really want to know how he's getting on sometimes. I feel like i've given him a hard time by the way that i've talked about him to other people, I want to know how his mum and sister are too. I want to know whether he's going to uni this year or getting a job, whether he's at home again with his mum or somewhere else altogether. Maybe somethings happened that I will just not know. I was talking to Rebecca when I went back home at Easter about Matt and she noticed that I just had bad things to say about him, but he wasn't al bad. I've just painted that picture because it was easier to deal with. i mean I can go without wanting to find out about him etc.. I'm sure that this feeling will soon pass, but at the moment its consuming me a little bit. I just want to be able to remember some good times that we had, some fun times. He taught me a lot. He gave me my self esteem and really encouraged me to look at the bible and pray too. It was so cool to have someone that I was so accountable to.
I suppose now that i'm a small group leader i'm expected to be ok and not need much help. I know that I have people that I can talk to, maybe thats what needs to be done. I don't know whats wrong.
My old wound is hurting I guess at the moment. Should die down soon.
I'll be ok folks!
I suppose that I'm a bit surprised that its taken this long to 'get back into the swing of things' i.e. thinking again, and formulating my own ideas, kind of like independent thinking really... it's taken such a long time because of being out of academia for such a long time, I understand that...but I thought that it would be quicker than this really. It is a good thing; I know that. I've just been doing a lot of work recently, well a presentation and an essay within a week, and now i've stopped I wanted to write some more really!-weird I hear you say...!
Recently things have been slightly haunting me... I suppose its just taken a while to take stock of where I am now as to where I was last year... and I know you're probably thinking Oh no, she's harking back to that again.. but it takes a while to get over something like that and its weird sometimes being with people who know you..well.. who know the 'university' you. Its strange, i feel like I have about three different identities, a uni Maddy, home Madeline and Mads, I mean they are all me, all different aspects of me, but which one is the real me? Maybe its cos im listening to music which reminds me so much of the crap of last year that makes me talk about things, maybe I feel like I can't talk so freely to people about last year. I don't know. I suppose you can't be 'up' all the time. Feelings take over and are imposed from past memories etc... I just really want to know how he's getting on sometimes. I feel like i've given him a hard time by the way that i've talked about him to other people, I want to know how his mum and sister are too. I want to know whether he's going to uni this year or getting a job, whether he's at home again with his mum or somewhere else altogether. Maybe somethings happened that I will just not know. I was talking to Rebecca when I went back home at Easter about Matt and she noticed that I just had bad things to say about him, but he wasn't al bad. I've just painted that picture because it was easier to deal with. i mean I can go without wanting to find out about him etc.. I'm sure that this feeling will soon pass, but at the moment its consuming me a little bit. I just want to be able to remember some good times that we had, some fun times. He taught me a lot. He gave me my self esteem and really encouraged me to look at the bible and pray too. It was so cool to have someone that I was so accountable to.
I suppose now that i'm a small group leader i'm expected to be ok and not need much help. I know that I have people that I can talk to, maybe thats what needs to be done. I don't know whats wrong.
My old wound is hurting I guess at the moment. Should die down soon.
I'll be ok folks!
Friday, April 8
strange coincidences (?)
I had a really refreshing, yet tiresome week this week, spent in Pwllheli. I was reminded of some of the basic things that I needed to get back into the habit of doing (or cultivate a habit in the first place to do!-you know how it can be!) I re-visited some older friendships, and learnt a bit about how God allows things to coincide with each other. A lot had happened since I last talked with one friend, and it was good to be able to reassure each other, from our experiences from the past year. I felt free to open up to her, and it was really nice that she felt able to do the same. We both had tough years last year, but seem to be getting back on track this year, which we both could glorify God in. It was amazing to be able to share that with someone, and see God working in both of our lives, and still maintaining our relationship with Him. I was so encouraged to have been able to share these deep things, and I really value her friendship. We ended up having a real sense of how God takes everything, good and bad and translates it into his will and its also really good that we can glorify Him, by making much of what he has done for us through the bad times, and hopefuly learn to rejoice in the good times too.
I love the fact that the more time goes on, I can begin to understand some small ways of how God was using last years experiences to shape things that are happening in my life now. Thinking about things, I really dont think I would have given up my job as a HCA to go to uni if things with Matt hadnt come to head last year, and then I wouldnt have been in the circumstance and situation that I am in now :) Which I really value. I love Chester still,and love the friendships i've made there.
So, going back to the title... strange...or mysterious, all I know is that it is God, and He is so good. We just have to see the blessings within our lives, giving the glory back to him.
I love the fact that the more time goes on, I can begin to understand some small ways of how God was using last years experiences to shape things that are happening in my life now. Thinking about things, I really dont think I would have given up my job as a HCA to go to uni if things with Matt hadnt come to head last year, and then I wouldnt have been in the circumstance and situation that I am in now :) Which I really value. I love Chester still,and love the friendships i've made there.
So, going back to the title... strange...or mysterious, all I know is that it is God, and He is so good. We just have to see the blessings within our lives, giving the glory back to him.
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